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Four years ago, before Mark came clean and started his recovery, I would have told you that he never lied. I lied, but he didn't. I'd call in sick to work when I wasn't really sick (I called those "mental health days"). I'd say the baby was ill when I didn't wantto go out to some event. I'd say I had to run to an appointment to get out of a conversation. I'd say the gifts under the tree were from Santa. I'd say "I'll be right home" and stop on the way. I'd say "you're so sweet" and "you look lovely" and "your baby is adorable." Mark didn't. He hated lying; he hated when I lied. He would honor his commitments and not stretch the truth to get out of them. We didn't do Santa because he didn't want to deceive the kids. He always called before he came home and was always home when he said he would be, to the minute. And if he didn't have something nice to say, he didn't say it at all.
So, when I found a receipt for drinks for two in his pocket while doing the laundry, I thought it was odd that he hadn't mentioned being out with anyone, but I knew he would tell me the truth when I asked about it. I trusted him, absolutely. "That's a mistake. I wasn't there with anyone. I ordered two drinks myself." Well, that's still odd. But who am I going to believe, the man who won't ever lie or the fingers of a busy waiter, who could have miskeyed the order? Still, the doubt stayed there, irritating me, like (to quote The Matrix) a splinter in my mind.
There were more of these little moments, these little discrepancies, and they accumulated until I had to bring the pile of them and lay them at his feet. Something wasn't right, and the way that I looked at the world wouldn't let me understand what that was. It seems easy now, change the assumption that he must be telling the truth, assume instead that he is lying, and everything falls into place. But I couldn't conceive of that; I would just as soon have believed that the Earth was flat, and I was about to fall off the edge...
When I brought my pile of tiny doubts to Mark one night, something finally broke and he came clean, to me and to himself, about his sex addiction. The only thing that kept me from walking out the door that moment was the thought of my son, who loved his Daddy so much, sleeping in the next room. I knew that addicts often slipped; I knew that rarely, if ever, did they admit to a problem and then stay sober from that moment on, for the rest of their lives. But I was so wounded, so reeling and blinded by pain, that a mental defense mechanism kicked in; the only thing that kept me functioning was believing that Mark would be different, believing that he was somehow stronger and smarter than other people. I had to believe that now that he knew what was wrong, and had a way to treat it, he would be healed and all the lies and the fear would end. I had to believe that he wouldn't ever slip, because I knew I couldn't ever take it. I couldn't trust him anymore, but I had to trust that he would get better, and I would be able to again someday.
We worked, and went to meetings and went to therapy, and got scared and angry and hurt, and talked and shared and listened, for nearly three years. And I can understand and accept now what I couldn't then: my husband is a sex addict and for the rest of our lives, we'll both have to live with the real potential for slipping back into fantasy and lies.
About a year ago, things were tense, he was losing his job, and he slipped and acted out. And when he told me, I found in myself, not anger, but acceptance and a new kind of trust. I don't trust him anymore not to do things that are going to hurt me, or himself, or us. But I trust that when he does those things, they are not what he wants to do or who he wants to be. I trust that he is using these experiences to learn and grow stronger. I trust that he is trying to be honest with himself and with me. I trust that he will share with me when he feels ready. All of those things I can trust, and that trust has not been broken.
I hope I get to that place one day...I envy your acceptance.
beautifully written. from my perspective as an addict, i think that while i don't expect this from my g/f, this is a place that i hope someday she can be.
Your experience is eerily similar to mine. The husband who would never lie, the son who kept me from walking out the door, even the connection to the Matrix and Fight Club.
I found out about my husband's sex addiction on June 1st of this year. I hope to have the peace you seem to have. I just don't quite understand how to get there yet.
Thanks for sharing yourself. It helps me to have faith in what's possible.
It's all me. Reading this is like looking at my life . It's been a year since my husands sex addiction came out, i still have a hard time gettig out of bed . I hope to be were you are some day.
a new kind of trust? will that make me able to talk to him again? ever?
Your words give me hope. Presently, I live in fear that he will slip one day and it will destroy me. I survived the initial discovery of his addiction, but can I survive him acting out again? I don't see how it's possible. But you made it, so at least it's possible.
This essay seems to suggest a need to redefine marriage. Our vows center around fidelity, and in marriages like ours, fidelity is nothing more than a goal.
To cleave only unto her, for as long as ye both shall live... If this notion of fidelity takes a back seat to anything, even something as divine as "acceptance," or a different take on trust, then what then is marriage? Where is its unique place among relationships?
Betrayal after disclosure has to hurt so much. To know that your spouse felt the pain which leads to the pull, and chose to turn to a stranger instead of you...chose to pick up another person, instead of the phone. There it is. We are ready to be the salve, the sounding board, the loving listener. But they don't turn to us.
I dread the day. Perhaps you are divine. But I don't know that I want to ever be that good.
Thank you so much for your courage and honesty. I very much love a woman who is an addict. And sometimes the fear of a "slip" or other acting out behavior paralyzes me. I realized in reading your words that it is completely unfair and unrealistic to expect that we won't be lied to or hurt within the context of any relationship. That's what human do sometimes - they lie, they hurt each other. And it never has anything to do with the person who is lied to or hurt - it is always about the one taking the action. Our egos want everything to be about us, and it is not. I can trust that she wants to be different, I can trust that the experiences she has are the fulfillment of that intention. I was praying for a different perspective. Thank you.
What I will not do is accept that this is the new "norm". I am sorry but I am not a co-addict or co-dependent as most describe the partner of the addict. No, I was not aware of the sorted details, and I like you trusted my husband of 24 years, that when he said he viewed porn, that it was just that and he wouldn't do it anynore. I had NO REASON not to believe him. He hated liars and he never left late or early from our bed to go and view....he did it when I was away. So how is that because he lies and we suspect somethin isn't right that we are somehow at fault? First if they are aware that they are lying and make that choice so that we don't get hurt or find out ...then they have cognetive awareness of right and wrong and thier faculties are working correctly.... once they get into porn trance and their brain is transformed chemically, I understand that they have tunnel porn view and have no sense of right or wrong. Until after the orgasm and then somehow their brain returns to function with consequences of right and wrong..... Really!? No, no way is this to be tolerated!! I am sorry, but it is a choice at some point, once they realize and accept what their actions are and are aware ....that awarness doens't just get wipped away...no it is there they just have decide what is more important...and it can't be easy, but come on...at some point all the slip ups and relapses ....and we just are suppose to accept and say well honey I know your an addict and are trying and are sick so I will help you ....help him what?! Babysit him, no , what your doing is what I consider being a Co-addict/Codependent spouse!!! At what point is he going to not act out or slip? When does accountability come in? It doesn't ...if an addict has the least little bit to justify or give himself permission to act out ...calling it a slip or relapse....they will take it!!! It is habit and justification/permission to do it...and we by supporting this enable them to. What do they have to loose.....when the consequence is severe enough and important enough to them they will stop.....it boils down to THEY MUST WANT TO STOP AND MAKE THEMSELVES CHOOSE NOT TO ACT OUT!! They are lead by feelings and compulsions and after some period of time should never be allowed to continue with the slips. I am so over the whole disease addict can't help it thing.... Nope not this wife.....I have been going through this D day for about a year and two for trying to recover ...... I will not settle for this being the norm ...I won't be married to someone who has no sexual control and wants to act out ..... One slip and I am gone. That is not life and not what a marriage and healthy marriage is. It has nothing to do with not loving him, but everything to do with my emotional and health and well being. If he can't keep himself for me I need to move on. I will not live a life sharing my husband with his addiction and whoever else his addiction leads him to screw. No acceptance of the addiction but all the love and compassion for my husband, but there is no room for other women in my marriage or his bed!!! PERIOD!! So TRUST....it is earned.... just like respect ..... Only time and actions will promote Trust, Respect, and Healing...is not something given lightly it is treasured and nurtured and grows with a mutually loving healthy relationship between a man and women...not a man and WOMEN OF HIS ADDICTION'S CHOOSING!!! It's about accountability!!