Comments on: A New Kind of Trust

By: Seriously

Seriously — Fri, 29 Apr 2011 06:19:34 +0000

What I will not do is accept that this is the new "norm". I am sorry but I am not a co-addict or co-dependent as most describe the partner of the addict. No, I was not aware of the sorted details, and I like you trusted my husband of 24 years, that when he said he viewed porn, that it was just that and he wouldn't do it anynore. I had NO REASON not to believe him. He hated liars and he never left late or early from our bed to go and view....he did it when I was away. So how is that because he lies and we suspect somethin isn't right that we are somehow at fault? First if they are aware that they are lying and make that choice so that we don't get hurt or find out ...then they have cognetive awareness of right and wrong and thier faculties are working correctly.... once they get into porn trance and their brain is transformed chemically, I understand that they have tunnel porn view and have no sense of right or wrong. Until after the orgasm and then somehow their brain returns to function with consequences of right and wrong..... Really!? No, no way is this to be tolerated!! I am sorry, but it is a choice at some point, once they realize and accept what their actions are and are aware ....that awarness doens't just get wipped away...no it is there they just have decide what is more important...and it can't be easy, but come on...at some point all the slip ups and relapses ....and we just are suppose to accept and say well honey I know your an addict and are trying and are sick so I will help you ....help him what?! Babysit him, no , what your doing is what I consider being a Co-addict/Codependent spouse!!! At what point is he going to not act out or slip? When does accountability come in? It doesn't ...if an addict has the least little bit to justify or give himself permission to act out ...calling it a slip or relapse....they will take it!!! It is habit and justification/permission to do it...and we by supporting this enable them to. What do they have to loose.....when the consequence is severe enough and important enough to them they will stop.....it boils down to THEY MUST WANT TO STOP AND MAKE THEMSELVES CHOOSE NOT TO ACT OUT!! They are lead by feelings and compulsions and after some period of time should never be allowed to continue with the slips. I am so over the whole disease addict can't help it thing.... Nope not this wife.....I have been going through this D day for about a year and two for trying to recover ...... I will not settle for this being the norm ...I won't be married to someone who has no sexual control and wants to act out ..... One slip and I am gone. That is not life and not what a marriage and healthy marriage is. It has nothing to do with not loving him, but everything to do with my emotional and health and well being. If he can't keep himself for me I need to move on. I will not live a life sharing my husband with his addiction and whoever else his addiction leads him to screw. No acceptance of the addiction but all the love and compassion for my husband, but there is no room for other women in my marriage or his bed!!! PERIOD!! So TRUST....it is earned.... just like respect ..... Only time and actions will promote Trust, Respect, and Healing...is not something given lightly it is treasured and nurtured and grows with a mutually loving healthy relationship between a man and women...not a man and WOMEN OF HIS ADDICTION'S CHOOSING!!! It's about accountability!!

By: Staci

Staci — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 16:31:32 +0000

Thank you so much for your courage and honesty. I very much love a woman who is an addict. And sometimes the fear of a "slip" or other acting out behavior paralyzes me. I realized in reading your words that it is completely unfair and unrealistic to expect that we won't be lied to or hurt within the context of any relationship. That's what human do sometimes - they lie, they hurt each other. And it never has anything to do with the person who is lied to or hurt - it is always about the one taking the action. Our egos want everything to be about us, and it is not. I can trust that she wants to be different, I can trust that the experiences she has are the fulfillment of that intention. I was praying for a different perspective. Thank you.

By: Mockingbird's Sorrow

Mockingbird's Sorrow — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 03:37:11 +0000

This essay seems to suggest a need to redefine marriage. Our vows center around fidelity, and in marriages like ours, fidelity is nothing more than a goal.

To cleave only unto her, for as long as ye both shall live... If this notion of fidelity takes a back seat to anything, even something as divine as "acceptance," or a different take on trust, then what then is marriage? Where is its unique place among relationships?

Betrayal after disclosure has to hurt so much. To know that your spouse felt the pain which leads to the pull, and chose to turn to a stranger instead of you...chose to pick up another person, instead of the phone. There it is. We are ready to be the salve, the sounding board, the loving listener. But they don't turn to us.

I dread the day. Perhaps you are divine. But I don't know that I want to ever be that good.

By: Dee

Dee — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 03:15:24 +0000

Your words give me hope. Presently, I live in fear that he will slip one day and it will destroy me. I survived the initial discovery of his addiction, but can I survive him acting out again? I don't see how it's possible. But you made it, so at least it's possible.

By: eliza

eliza — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 05:53:32 +0000

a new kind of trust? will that make me able to talk to him again? ever?

By: Teresa

Teresa — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 19:15:55 +0000

It's all me. Reading this is like looking at my life . It's been a year since my husands sex addiction came out, i still have a hard time gettig out of bed . I hope to be were you are some day.

By: woman.anonymous7

woman.anonymous7 — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 00:23:00 +0000

Your experience is eerily similar to mine. The husband who would never lie, the son who kept me from walking out the door, even the connection to the Matrix and Fight Club.

I found out about my husband's sex addiction on June 1st of this year. I hope to have the peace you seem to have. I just don't quite understand how to get there yet.

Thanks for sharing yourself. It helps me to have faith in what's possible.

By: E.

E. — Fri, 13 Jul 2007 20:10:00 +0000

beautifully written. from my perspective as an addict, i think that while i don't expect this from my g/f, this is a place that i hope someday she can be.

By: thejunkyswife

thejunkyswife — Wed, 18 Apr 2007 18:39:00 +0000

I hope I get to that place one day...I envy your acceptance.