When people hear that my husband is a sex addict, they often wonder why I am still here with him. Some people think that I ought to leave and find someone "better." They think I was duped, that this marriage was bad luck, an aberration. Surely, they think, if I went out looking again, I wouldn't be so unlucky; the next time around, I would find a really good, honest, healthy man. Or they think that I have low self-esteem, that I am clinging to this flawed man because I'm insecure and don't think I deserve any better. They assume that my husband is a bad person, and that loving him must be a sickness. They assume that I cannot recover from the blows of the past: that those past hurts will cause constant pain, that they will stunt me...
When my son was a baby, he used to cry all the time and his only comfort seemed to be breastfeeding. I'd be up every hour all night breastfeeding him, and before long, I was beyond exhausted. One night, Mark got up with me. "Go back to bed," I said, "You have to work in the morning." "So do you," he replied, "and your job is taking care of our son, which is much more important than mine. Let me help, even if I just sit with you." And I... Well, I did what any exhausted, frazzled, breastfeeding, new mother would do: I burst into tears. He got up with me every night after that: to change diapers or get me water or just doze next to me.
A few years later, when I found out about his sex addiction, I couldn't believe how much he had lied and cheated through all of our years together. He seemed more like a monster than the good man I thought I knew. But when I stopped and held all the lies in a balance with his one simple act of love and tenderness for me, and for our son, I was able to look into the face of the abyss, and say, "This is a good man. It doesn't matter what wrong he has done; it can't hold up in the face of that proof of goodness and great love."
I know that Mark stood in the hospital room holding our son on the day of his birth and made him a great promise. He renewed the promise he made but couldn't keep when we started dating, when we got engaged, when we got married. As he looked down at that fragile baby in his arms, he silently swore to himself and his son that things would really be different this time: he would change, he would never do those horrible things again, he would never bring hurt or pain into our family, he would protect us from himself. He couldn't keep that promise: not a year, not a month, not a day. He is a good man and a strong man, and he meant well; he wanted passionately to keep that promise, but he didn't know how.
Now recovery is lighting his way. Recovery is bringing the change, not in a single life-shattering instant, but one day at a time. Recovery has helped me to grow, to hold to the beauty and leave the pain. I know that the hurt to me was unintentional; it was the way that good man, who stayed awake with me all those nights, dealt with his deep pain. I know the things he's done are not who he wants to be; I know they don't define him, they don't define me, and they don't define our marriage.
that was beautifully written, for in the end it is you that are holding his hand now and supporting his struggle. I wih you both well together. Thank you for writing that.
Many think recovery means meetings and sacrifice, but for me you just nailed what recovery is: Hope.
Take care,
TDA
Invisible hearts are flying from my chest.
So many times the human side of addiction is lost and so many people only see what is there, the shell of the person. Hope is a wonderful thing and recovery is hope getting bigger, stonger and healthier. I think you have a beautiful relationship and it has been my experience with "normal people" that there is always something. If it isn't addiction it will be something else just as horrifying. At least you have a good man!
I would rather take my chances with the person I know is there (as long as they are actively recovering) then a shot in the dark with someone new. Addicts aren't demons. They are people under attack by demons.
To be honest, when I first discovered your blog, I also wondered why you stayed with Mark. I didn't really think that you were lacking in self-esteem or self-awareness (as your posts show just how strong you were) but I just didn't understand why you would stay with someone who had lied and cheated so much. Lies (whether blatant or those little "half-truths" people convince themselves are not lies) freak me out entirely. More often than not, though, it's not the lies themselves, but the way the other person convinces you that they aren't lying, that really it's all "in your head" when all along you just know that there's something wrong. Ugh! It's such a head fuck!
However - and this is a big however - Mark really seems to be doing so much work on himself and his demons. I can see how if somebody confesses their wrongdoings and actively tries to make amends that it would be possible to have faith in them and the relationship again.
I still think it's quite amazing, though, that you've stayed in your relationship and have supported Mark so much. I'm not sure that I could be as generous and forgiving a spirit as you.
Another beautiful post written my a fabulous woman.
I have always known why you stay (and why J-wife stays, too.)Thanks for posting about love the way love was meant to be.
Peace and more love,
Scout
Oh MJP you sound just like my momma!!! And my momma's brilliant when she ain't making me crazy.
I just want to give you a big hug!
This is where I am unlike you...I couldn't stay...the betrayal and deceit were too much for me to bear...he hid his addiction well for ten years though...so those ten years, when looking through a distorted lens, were quite happy for me...until I focused the lens..and then I was devasted. I admire you.
P.S. I am thinking about writing about this part of my life on my blog....would it be alright if I referenced you and A Room of Mama's Own??
This reminds me ... I saw a book you probably have read called, The Other Woman." You might check it out if you haven't already ... various essays on the topic.
Great post!
I came back to read this again.
I LOVE this post.
More Love,
Scout
Thank you for this post... I needed it. My wife thinks I'm a monster. I hope that someday she can see me for who she's known me to be... the man I want to be.
Thank you so very much for this post. It is exactly what I needed to read today. Sometimes when my addiction gets the best of me and I "go back out there" ... all I can think is what a horrible person I am. I'm not a horrible person ... this much I know. I don't mean to hurt anyone, but I hurt them nonetheless. Thank you, beyond words.
Wow! This was exactly what I needed to hear right now. Thank you. Finding your blog tonight was truly a God-send.
broken, I'm so glad sharing my experience has helped. My best to you.
Thank you so much for the beautifully written piece. I just yesterday found out that my boyfriend...a man I love more deeply than I've loved any man...is a sex addict. He's not a monster, and you confirmed my belief that it doesn't define him. It's a part of him that needs help. I will help him and love him, without being codependent. You are living, breathing, blogging proof there is love and hope. Thank you from the bottom of my tear-soaked heart.
I think I've read this post a dozen times, literally, in the last week. And promised my husband that I will work on achieving this point of view.
You really are amazing to have gone through such hell and still be able to see this man - truly as God see's us - infinite potential, burdened by physical limitations.
Best of best of luck, forever.
Wow, I admire your courage, and it is a pleasure to read, to be in there and comforted by your voice.
Should I stay or should I go is a constant theme in COSA meetings. If my husband would acknowledge his acting out, the affairs, I might have more compassion for him. To make me the crazy one is, in my mind, worse than sleeping with other women. But in the end, it's all bad.
Thanks for being here and putting it all out there.
That was a beautiful post. My husband is an alcoholic-addict and people often ask me why I stay as well. After reading your post, I can't think why I do. My husband doesn't share any of those qualities. Thank you for the eye-opener. It's one thing to stay when there is a good man behind the addiction, and another to stay when you want there to be.