This is Part 2 in a 5 part interview of me, by Aphra Behn.
If you missed it, you can read Part 1 here.

2) Your first blog post says that you are blogging in order to write; is that still true or has an increasing and communicative audience changed your blog into a more social space?

The single most surprising aspect of blogging for me has been the way in which an interactive audience has affected my writing. I didn't start reading blogs until I started writing one. And when I did start reading, I noticed that sometimes it was uncomfortably like listening in on someone's conversation instead of reading someone's writing. At the time, I mistakenly attributed that to the individual bloggers, not the medium. I thought that I would establish a different style, that my blog would be more like a series of essays or columns, that I would be blogging about my past, rather than my present. Yet, before long, I built this group of loyal readers, group of friends, and they were speaking to me, and I found myself wanting and needing to speak back.

I find that blogging, discovering these wonderful readers and having them discover me, is like the words of wisdom I share with expectant new parents: "Having children is more of everything than you think it will be: more rewarding and more wonderful and more beautiful and more magical, but also more painful and more frustrating and more exhausting and more infuriating." And I find this particularly true in blogging because I am codependent. I want every single person who clicks their way here to fall in love with me instantly, keep reading, never leave, and love me forever.

Yet, I fear that my readers' love for me is tenuous, that I'm not worthy of it, that I must constantly win it and re-win it. I feel responsible for providing beautiful, well-written, interesting, engaging writing every single day. (Hey, this is about me and my issues, people, not about you!) One bad post, and that's it: long-time readers will get tire of me and first-time readers stay only long enough to see that day's bad post before they run screaming away.

I also worry about the content of my posts, not just the quality of my writing. Will my recovery readers get bored with the stories about my kids? Will the autism readers get tired of my spiritual musings? Will the mama bloggers recoil at hearing about my husband's struggles with sex addiction? I fret that people read my writing for some aspect of my life that they find engaging or identify with, rather than the whole package: like when a novel follows multiple storylines and you skip ahead to read about the character you really care about rather than slogging through the intervening chapters about all the rest. Or am I the only one who does that?

And of course, having an interactive group of readers has simply made the tone of my writing more conversational. I feel I want to do things I never intended to do like: let my readers know when I'm leaving on vacation or acknowledge that I will get to the meme I was tagged in or point out that I've updated my blogroll or even (parenthetically) reassure folks that I know they don't expect me to produce a stellar piece of work for them every day (but I still want to do it for you, damn it!).

I have mixed feelings about those conversational aspects and administrative details. Sometimes I think, "It's frustrating and distracting to think about this" or "Damn! I have to deal with some administrativia [yes, I think I just coined that term] when I'd rather be doing real writing." Sometimes I think, "I can't wait to let everyone know about this" or "Thank goodness! I can post some administrativia today because I don't have the energy to do any real writing." But again, that's all me and my mood baggage, right?

But in the end, it is still about the writing. If I weren't blogging, I know I'd find other ways to keep up with the friends I've made, so although my blog is more of a social space than it was or than I expected, in the end, I'm still writing for me. (But I still do love you all and I won't leave. Please don't leave me! You don't hate me for writing for me, do you?)