In the original movie version of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Buffy's super power was menstrual cramps: she could detect the presence of vampires with them. I have my own super power (ok, it's one of many, but I haven't mentioned it specifically before): I am attracted to addicts. (Yes, I am! Go figure!) I date them, I marry them, I love them. Addicts, addicts, addicts! All my life, I have never been able to get enough. So, you know what that means, right? If I'm attracted to you, whether you know it or not, you're an addict. That said, I'm concerned about the following celebrities. Those who are not already in recovery might want to consider attending 12 step meetings just as a precaution:
- Stephen Colbert. No one gets to be that funny without being seriously messed up, and he looks disturbingly like an ex-boyfriend of mine, in spite of which, I still find him attractive. You are on notice, Colbert!
- Will Smith. Good lord! Only an addict can ooze that much intelligence and charm and sexy, sexy, sexiness. There is no healthy way to be as sexy as Will Smith.
- Malcolm Gladwell. He's so intellectually surprising that he always keeps me guessing. It's a huge turn on. The first thing I do when I get the New Yorker is flip to the table of contents and scan for his name. No, Malcolm Gladwell means you get tossed ignominiously onto the back of the toilet, New Yorker.
- Melissa Etheridge. She keeps writing songs about me and my relationships. It's like she knows me and she's been there and we should run away and live out a life of passionate poetic recovery together. I would invite her to come live on the lesbian llama farm of destiny, but Junky's Wife and Scout will combine forces to slash her tires.
- James Taylor. He's beautiful to listen to. He can croon one bar of anything in that lovely, mellow voice and I'll be throwing my panties on the stage. And have you looked at that man? Mmm! JT, keep coming back, it works...
- The young Harrison Ford. There's nothing Mark hates more than watching an old Indiana Jones movie with me. He's got that killer half-smile, those stunning eyes, and that roguish air only an addict could have. However, the current, old Harrison Ford is no longer sexy. He is clearly the first person ever to have fully recovered from addiction.
- Sting. I have had to cut Sting's image out of my life. I saw him in concert at Madison Square Garden back in the late 80's and the sexiness exuded from the stage made me unable to function at all the next day. There is super addiction power in those eyes.
Ok, that's the short list. Those are the folks that are in the most desperate danger of overdosing, losing their life savings to gambling, getting caught having sex with a prostitute in public or just plain relapsing.
I love Sting...I can name all kinds of men I find sexy, too. Can I play?
Oo, both recovering alcoholics and recovering codies are attracted to Sting. He clearly has a lot of problems.
And yes, everyone can play!
I am pretty sure that James Taylor has already done the whole heroin or opiate or cocaine thing...hasn't he? If he hasn't, I sure hope he does. Clearly a junky.
I like it that you put Colbert on notice. You'll probably be on his show now. He does have those sexy addict madman eyes.
I like to refer to that weird addict sexuality as the "demon blood." It may or may not be activated, but it's there, and I can smell it even when it's not activated. I want to sit next to it when I smell it. When it's activated, I want to fix it. It's a very sexy dance.
Here's my short list:
Johnny Knoxville
Johnny Depp
Jay Z
Brangelina (But that might just be my affinity for crazy ass hos. Crazy ass hos don't have to be addicts to be my BFFs...just crazy ass hos, like yourself. I also like couples that develop from affairs, especially in this particular trope where each were involved with somewhat soul-less others and found soul-mates in each other and had to fight and lie in public while clearly being hopelessly in love in front of everyone...good stuff. But they are hot, separately, of course, but even more together. Cf. Beyonce "Upgrade You.")
There are various tattoo artists as well, but I probably shouldn't list them. I'll have to list them in Cuntface one day.
That was fun!
Yes, James Taylor is a heroin addict. He just needs to watch himself and keep going to meetings -- unlike Harrison Ford, he is not fully recovered yet.
I'll throw in KD Lang because she's talented enough to make me want to know if there is a story behind the song. Even if there is not, she sings it as if it were the gospel.
How about Rufus Sewell? Those flashing eyes! That floating hair!
Ah,yes. The young Harrison Ford. Fuck, even Harrison today, he's still hot. Remember when Indiana Jones came out and he was on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine? I carried that rag around with me for 2 years. To this day it's my ideal for what a man should look like. Since he's the only person in Jackson Hole, WY with a helcopter I've actually considered going on a trip there specifically to get lost and therefore require rescuing. Is that sick? Tell me you wouldn't do it too and I'll call you a liar. I've got to ditto Johnny Knoxsville. I also have to add Clive Owen to the list. That man could grudge fuck me any day of the week. So could Matthew MacFayden. In 'Pride & Prejudice' when he looks at Keira Knightley and says, "you have bewitched me body and soul and I cannot live another day without you" I just melt. Well, actually I quiver like a blob of Jell-O on top of a washing machine, but...
Good to see you, mama!
This is all good. We're performing a public service. Are you listening, celebrities? There are many of you who are sexy enough to need help!
That's right. Don't make me and MPJ have to throw the magic pussy at you.
Joaquin and River (but he died before I was able to get JW to throw the pussy at him)Phoenix
Sting
Johnny Depp
Clive Owen
Brad
Ditto Johnny Depp. I love this list!
oh terence trent d'arby too!
I used to love him.
Ok, ok. Brad Pitt may officially have to go on my list too. I really have problems with the whole Angelina Jolie thing, so I am trying to hate him now, but it's really no use. He's hot. He is. I know it. Brad, go check into rehab, honey. Or stop by and see Junky's Wife and me. We may be able to cure you!
Yes on Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. They're just so BAD.
May I also add Jake Gyllenhall for being all intense and smouldery?