My husband arrived home this week, carrying his father's ashes. They are sitting now in a plain brown cardboard package on a shelf in our living room, unobtrusive and mysterious. As I held the box in my hands today, I found it was heavier than it looked, and yet too light to have once been a whole person.
The day after my husband arrived, my niece was born, arriving two weeks late and after more than 24 hours of labor: a very long anticipated arrival. Her real name is not Ziggimags after all, but it is so beautiful that I'm sorry I can't share it here.
The kids and I drove to the hospital to meet her today. My daughter was a little scared of her and wouldn't speak; she was struck dumb by the tininess and the crying, and she was disappointed (I suspect) in spite of my many reminders, that the baby was not an instant playmate. My son was a little chatterbox, telling everyone in the room (including my sister-in-law's mother, an entirely new person) all about how many floors the hospital had (he asked an employee when we got into the elevator, because the number of floors and going to the top floor of any building we enter, is a current obsession), how many floors the parking garage had (we parked at the top to avoid a trip up there later anyway), what the special attributes of his favorite cartoon character are, and what an old hand he is at this whole baby thing, having a little sister himself and all.
And I held my little niece for the first time. I washed my hands a thousand times, because I could not make it from sink to baby without touching or being touched by some germ-ridden part of one of my own two children. And I know that new parents, who don't have a germ-ridden older sibling waiting to infect their newborn, care about such things. My hands were cold and damp, and she woke and cried when I touched her. So, much for my expert mama thing. She calmed down when her daddy, my baby brother (how strange), put her next to her mama and fixed her diaper.
Babies grow so quickly, and I always forget so quickly how tiny they are when they are born: how their heads fit in the palm of one's hand, how their tiny legs are bowed from being cramped inside the womb, how every part of them is there in perfect detailed miniature. As I held her, it seemed hard to believe that something so tiny, so light, could be a whole person.
I remember when LLB was born. #1 had a list of things he told people: "Wanna see my baby. My baby is very little. You need to be careful with my baby. You hold her head, k? I yuv my baby. That's my baby. You no touch my baby, k?"
I am fearful of the utter fragility of a newborn and do not relish the thought of holding the life of one so near and dear to others in my hands.
Like your daughter, I remain a little timid until they grow into the more familiar giggling gurgler of my stereotype.
"As I held her, it seemed hard to believe that something so tiny, so light, could be a whole person."
This quote took me back to when my babies were little. I look at them now and it baffles me.
Hi...thanks for checking out my blog...
It's amazing the potential the little one's hold. Angels they are...
yes, you are right...every person serves a purpose in the "grand plan"...I regret nothing.
I'll enjoy reading more...
Ahh, I loved hearing about your niece, so tiny, and being reminded that when one soul passes, another comes to take its place in the world.
I'm sorry for your husband's loss of his father. And thank you for your condolences about my brother. You are kind.
So sorry to hear about Marks father.
And yes you do forget how tiny babies are, and yes they do grow so fast.
I've never held a newborn before. The smallest baby I've ever held was my one month old cousin (he's six now) and it was very uncomfortable for me because his mother was hovering over me and staring at me the entire time.
When I was younger, I was much comfortable with the bigger and sturdier babies that my mom baby-sat. However, I'm really excited to hold my own newborns one day!
The great circle of life at work in your life ... blessed be.
A box of ashes, light and heavy both. A brand new person, so tiny it is hard to feel them a whole person.
These are such vivid images. Stunning and stinging.
I know what you mean about how you can;t believe they are real when they first come out. I work as a doula and every time I see a newborn, it crosses my mind -they have all the same organs I do, just tiny size. It blows my mind.
I'm so excited for you with this new baby. I know it's different from being a mom, and maybe it won't be so fun being a crazy aunt when you're already a crazy mama...but I can't say enough times how awesome it is being a crazy aunt.
i'm glad you came to visit. i hope you come back to my blog often, i will be back to your many blogs!
take care!!
melissa
oh i remember the days! my oldest turned 16 last week and i cried a little. i love the man he's becoming and having teen boys is actually very cool and much less work, but at 6 feet tall, all manly and stuff i miss that little baby boy i brought home....i actually remember rocking with him while he nursed thinking that i had to really cherish that time 'cause it wouldn't last long. it didn't. he's a 'whole human being' now.
How sweet! I'm so glad she made it into the world safely and that you were able to hold her! I miss having a baby in my arms. They have such an effect on you at birth. I was so afraid of hurting one of my own or the newborn of a friend. Then they grow up to be walking, talking little people. It's amazing and wonderful!
There are few words for the experience of holding someone's ashes one day and to hold a newborn the next. And yet you brought it to life (no pun intended) with crystal clarity. Well done.
It reminds me once again that all things in life are impermanent.
Thank you for sharing these precious moments!
Peace out!
Dharma