Yesterday, I posted about my understanding of addiction as a way of getting into why we so called codependents might stick with an addict, and I realized in reading comments (isn't blogging great?) that duh! I haven't ever articulated the number one reason I am with my husband. More important than the fact that he's a wonderful man, my best friend, a fantastic father, a loving partner; more important than the fact that I see his addiction as a disease, something that is not about me; the single most important reason I haven't left? He's in recovery. He's committed to growth. He's committed to healing. He's committed to living his life as the man he wants to be. And I'm committed to working on my own growth, healing and improvement. And that means that together our lives aren't stuck in pain and misery, our lives are getting better, richer, fuller, happier, beyond what we could ever have imagined.
It occurs to me that when people ask, "Why would anyone stay with an addict?" they're not asking about addicts in recovery. People don't really mean, "Why do you stay with your husband who goes to AA and hasn't had a drink in 15 years?" They don't mean, "Why are you with your wife, who has been clean and sober for 2 years and now works full-time for a drug treatment program?" They mean, "Why are you with the man who is currently draining your retirement fund to bet on horse races and refuses to stop?" or "Why are you with a woman who is leaving the kids locked in the bedroom every day while she snorts coke?" People may still wonder why one might stay with a partner who has (in the past) hurt them badly and who has the very real potential to hurt them again, but that is still less perplexing than watching someone stay in a relationship with someone who is actively self-destructive and shows no sign of stopping.
Because addicts are never cured, we tend to conflate the two, and I'll admit that I'm complicit in this myself. Addicts are always addicts; just like a diabetic is a diabetic whether they are carefully monitoring their glucose levels and managing their condition, or skipping meals and blacking out while they're driving. So, we often get fuzzy about the language. I admit, I tend to say "my husband is a sex addict" not "my husband is a recovering sex addict," even though there is a huge difference between the two.
I don't know that I (even as passionate as I am about writing) have words, have the ability, to describe how different it is to be in a relationship where both partners are in recovery, rather than one where one or both partners are active in their addiction or codependency. But of course, I'll try...
I don't know that I have the words because I'm describing an experience you either fully know yourself, or you don't. I want to describe what lies outside the Matrix. If you've been there you know, and if you haven't, well, "Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself." I can't fully describe the complexities and the depth and the harshness and the beauty of that reality. It's a little like becoming a parent (only you're coming in to an equal relationship): you know your life is going to change when that new person arrives, you may even think you know but you can't fully imagine in what ways and you can't really imagine the depth and complexity of that relationship until you get there yourself.
Think about yesterday's analogy: addiction as a nasty digestive disorder. An addict in recovery would be analogous to a patient who sees the doctor regularly, works hard every day and faithfully maintains a regimen that will keep the disease under control. And as time consuming, expensive and difficult as the treatment regimen for that disease might be, dealing with a chronic illness that remains largely asymptomatic can be manageable.
However, an active addict would be one who refuses to see a doctor, or even to admit that their symptoms are outside the realm of normal. This person will vomit on the bed and blame it on whatever was for dinner (and the spouse who cooked the dinner). This person will insist that it's normal for people to crap in their pants every day. This person will spend all of the money they have (or can steal) on food and activities that will make the problem worse. And this person will absolutely refuse to clean up the mess. And I'll agree. No one wants to live with that. Of course, some people still do, but we'll have to get to that later...
I'm going away this weekend and will be seeing Jay and hopefully meeting R! Yay! So, I may not post again until Monday. But I will continue musing addiction and codependency issues, and I guarantee I will have more to say when I do return. I'm loving all of the thought-provoking, insightful comments I've been receiving on this topic. Keep them coming.
Hi. I love your blog. I'd stopped by at Serizy's suggestion because she said some of my recent struggles with my male best friend reminded her of your situation with your friend Pat. I've also seen your comments on some of my other blog friend's places.
I'm in my 30s, married with a 12-year-old boy. I'm an alcoholic and been sober just over 2 years. I sometimes wonder why I stay with my non-addict husband. What gaping wounds did each of us have to begin with and now that I am working to heal mine, does he still have a place?
I loved the Matrix (just the first movie, tho) and have used it to try to explain my reality to people. Most just think I'm high. Imagine that.
~Judith
Your posts are always thought-provoking, MPJ. I am glad you're around.
You just made me realize that I have a bias. When you asked that question, my mental image of an addict was the kind who is deep in denial. Kinda like my dad, who died without ever admitting he had a drinking problem
Your post has made me look at myself and my own codendency issues! But where does one go to take care of that? They have a lot of AA and NA meetings in town around here but Narcanon or AlAnon is nonexistent in these parts, do they have anything online?
I've realized I have a disease of my own in codependency, doesn't really help when I'm a recovering addict too!
Thank you for posting about this. My grandfather was an alcoholic and I have not really touched on that subject in my blog. He was not drunk all of the time, nor was he a mean drunk..but he was an alcoholic nonetheless. The addicts in my family would almost sell their soul to get that next high. That is what is so heartbreaking for those who love them. You feel so helpless, like I do with my brother. All I can tell him is I love him but I can't deal with his non stop CRAP. I have supported him when he was trying to get help and even when he wasn't. But you do get so exhausted trying to take care of everybody. After a while it just wears you down til' there's nothing left. And then all I can do is worry and pray. And of course, cry.
I come from a long line of alcoholics on my mom and dad's side. So I made sure to marry a man who doesn't drink. But I didn't make sure he wasn't a messed up freak. There isn't room for two messed up freaks, lol. Well, we made room. My dh is a recovering sex addict. (I do not put this on my blog because family reads it and I want them to keep loving him because we are through it. I only tell my close friends, and then people I can help.)
We had the best counselling, in three different places, but it was all worth it. God had the biggest impact in changing him, though. They could make him "see" things, but he never felt bad about how it hurt me.
We have made it through twice, but I would not go through it again. Because I don't want to die of AIDS, and my children lose me, too.
So, I only stay because he is recovering.
Not that I think anyone owes anyone else an explanation for who they choose to love, but you do explain it quite beautifully.
I heard a share not so long ago where the guy said he was a "recovered" addict as along as he was not in active addiction. He went on to state that The Big Book only says recovering addict once in the beginning and thereafter only uses the phrase recovered addict. (I didn't check or verify this claim.) Though I go to meetings I have never worked the steps so my view of things is a little skewed ion that regard. I like to think of myself as being a recovered addict but still recovering in terms of broader life issues.
Thanks for the post.
WS
Distinction well made.
I "got it" and I continue to appreciate the voice you are bringing to everyone out there listening.
Keep it up.
God - I can't believe you're writing about this right now because amidst all the craziness of trying to catch up at work this is one of the main topics that's been on my mind. But I've been too busy to think and process it - I've only been asking the questions. Why am I doing this again? Is it just that I have no self worth? Is it that deep inside I don't think I can do better? But that's not it at all. Husband is in recovery. While he'll always be an addict in recovery, he's a completely different person from the addict who lied and betrayed me and hurt me so deeply. And, like your husband, he's a magnificent person in many ways.
Thank you for this. It gave me peace. It reminded me that I'm not crazy. And I needed that today.
Thank you for your past couple of posts. As a recovering alcoholic/addict I still feel amazed that the relationship between my spouse and I is so alive and well. I've caused plenty of pain but your posts help me to understand whats doing on.
thanks again.
Thank you so much for the clarification. As someone who left an active sex addict, I always cringe when I hear the old "well, if he had cancer I wouldn't leave him" analogy used in COSA meetings. As if I chose to leave my husband in the midst of a chemo treatment or at first diagnosis.
I wanted us to make it. I craved recovery for our coupleship. Unfortunately he didn't feel the same way. I was willing to stay as long as he was at least pursuing recovery (even understood the concepts & high probability of relapses). As it stood & still stands though, he was/is smoking a cigarette thru a trach while hooked up to oxygen.
Thanks for an unbiased look at both sides.
~Kellee
http://crossingmybridge.blogspot.com/
I love the digestive disorder analogy. It just runs and runs, doesn't it?
I'm looking forward to reading more... hope you had a great time with Jay!