Dear Mom,
If you are reading this, you have somehow found yourself at my blog. I always knew there was the potential for you to end up here, but I figured the odds were against it, and the work I've been doing is important enough that it seemed worth that small risk. Now that you are here, I'm going to have to come clean and tell you the things that have been going on in my life, things I haven't wanted to share. I can't hide them now: they're all over the blog; they're in my greatest hits; they're even right there in the header. I hope you're sitting down when you read this, and now is probably the time to look away, run away, if you need to. In a few sentences, it will be too late. It may be too late already if you're skimming ahead like I would.
I have not told you some very big things that have gone on or are going on in my life and in my mind. I have not told you that:
- My husband is a sex addict
- I had an abortion
- I am in serious financial trouble
- I've had some of my writing published
I've really wanted to share some of these things, especially about my writing being published, because I know you would be so proud of me and so happy for me. But all of these things are so intertwined in my mind right now that I felt I couldn't share any one of them without sharing all of them, and I haven't been in a place yet where I have felt able to deal with your emotions of confusion and grief and loss and anger and worry in addition to my own.
You're my mother. I know you love me more than your own life and always will, just the way I love my kids. I know that you want me to be happy, not to suffer; I know you want to spare me from pain, the way I want to spare my children. I know that what you will feel when you hear what I have been through will be as intense and powerful as a tidal wave. I've been struggling to keep my head above water and I fear that if that wave hits me, I'll drown in it. But that's the risk I've been willing to take in doing this writing. I don't want to feel that hurt coming down on me, but it's been important to me to write, just like it always has been, and it's important to me to share that writing.
Know that I love you very much. I'm sorry if I've hurt you by hiding things from you that I'm now sharing with some odd combinations of friends and strangers. It's what I have needed to do for myself. Know that I am building a life where I am genuinely happy. I know everything is going to be ok. I know it with a faith I've never felt before. I love my husband. I love doing this writing. And I do love you.
~Your daughter
God bless you. I know that must have been horribly hard to write. I hope it was cleansing as well. Amidst all that shame and guilt and fear, I read so very much love, and I hope in writing it you could feel forgiveness.
Thank you for being a part of my world.
That was beautiful, thank you for letting me peek in your window. I was moved.
Wow, you are a very brave women. You have my admiration and my blessings that things will work out.
I hope your mother reads your letter and offers understanding. And I hope the act of writing this, getting the words out, has brought you peace.
I should probably make it clear that I am not telling my mom about the blog. I sincerely hope that she never, ever reads this blog or, by extension, this letter. (Sorry, Mom, but I'm still not ready for it.) But if she does find her way here by some strange accident or quirk of fate, I do want this letter here to greet and reassure her.
My mom reads my blog...but there really are no secrets there. I'm a terrible secret keeper when it comes to things that are happening to me. I tell my mom because she's so supportive and reassuring. I tell her for selfish reasons...because I want her support and assurance.
Maybe one day you'll talk with your mom about some of the things on your blog. Maybe not. Either way, that was a great letter, very powerful and moving.
Disclosing the sa part of my life to my mom was so freeing to me. I had to do it in writing though as well. And while she doesn't know the whole story by a long shot, she knows enough. Enough to be dangerous on some days & supportive more than you can imagine on most.
Thank you so much for sharing yourself with us.
Thanks, mpj.I have a letter like this to write to my mother sometime. Thank you.
Wow, that is beautiful. Really inspiring. I am thinking about writing something similar now, if you don't mind?
I do hope your mother will never read your blog... I know there are some things I don't want my mother to know.
I know she loves me too much, and couldn't deal with many details of my life. It would crush her, leaving her helpless and worried. I am already glossing over some things, because I know that when I accidentally did not, I had her worried and fretting for days.
She has too much stuff to worry about already... I don't want her to deal with more than she can handle.
Very brave letter - whether she reads it or not.
Amazing letter ... filled with love and honesty ... and one I hope your mother WILL discover and read (or that you'll decide to share with her when you're ready). I'm eternally grateful I came clean with MY mom in my mid-30s so that we had time to create the kind of relationship we both longed for before she died suddenly when I was 44. We had a few difficult years initially, but the years that followed were well worth any discomfort either of us felt. The seeker in me bows to the seeker in you.
Namaste ... and, of course,
Hugs and blessings,
That was a wonderful letter, and I'm sure your mom would understand should she come across this blog.
A lot of love there it seems.
Very interested in your next letter
No matter how old we are, we still live in "fear" of our mothers knowing our "true" selves. What our lives are.
Blogging, even anonymously, there is the feeling that those who know us IRL, especially our families, those who are closest to us, are somehow reading our diaries.
Mothers somehow find diaries (so do sisters!) and if they are not locked...they can be read. And often we read things we weren't meant to know.
This is a heartfelt letter.
And now we breathe. I think we mothers manage to handle a lot, considering that even when we don't know, we know.
It's a beautiful letter.
Everyone needs a safe place to "get it all out" and this is it for you. If your family finds your blog - so be it. These are your thoughts and your feelings. You can't change them.. it is what it is.
xo
LBC
I keep thinking about this letter. How beautiful the writing, how difficult to write. And I started thinking about the mother and how she probably could write a letter too, saying things that she's kept hidden, things she may hope you never learn.
We're all the same, I think, in having secrets. The nature of the secrets may differ but the pain's the same.
Just wanted to let you know that your writing creates ripples inside my brain. It's all good.
Word.
I sometimes think we work as hard to protect our mothers as they once worked to protect us.
To be happy is maybe the best gift to give to a mother.
May you feel that even though she is likely not reading your words here, she is wishing you well.
Thank you so much mpj. You have all the words I need right in this letter. Thank you.
Beautiful letter. I realized years ago that I have a huge wall around me when it comes to my mom. She loves me desperately, but she KNOWS what's right for me. And in my mid 40's, when my path is different than her path for me, she still sees me as a rebellious adolescent. She knows nothing about the addiction in my life. The mom stuff is something I'm looking forward to exploring. But I'm not sure that it will ever be safe to explore it WITH her. Thanks for sharing.
Should she find herself here, some day, this letter will lighten the blows, I"m sure. I agree with Moanna and Bella ... we do try so hard to protect our mothers and yet they have so many of their own secrets.
Awww... I would turn to stone if my mother got a glimpse at my blog. I feel guilty for writing about her without her permission and for being what she would call an exhibitionist. She probably wouldn't understand that urge to share with the Internet what cannot be spoken out loud. But then again I keep thinking, it would be an unpleasant experience, but she's my mother and she loves me and this too will pass, right?
So, I don't know... it might actually be a blessing and a huge relief if your mum showed up here and read this letter. Cause nothing in this world feels better than truth and honesty, believe me.