Comments on: Aftermath (and Epilogue)

By: Mary P Jones

Mary P Jones — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 16:53:25 +0000

Lisa, I am going to e-mail you, but I wanted to post a quick response here because others might benefit from the same information.

I have a list of online resources for partners here:
http://aroomofmamasown.com/2008/04/online-groups-for-partners-of-sex-addicts/

And there is a list of different 12 Step groups on the sidebar. If S-Anon (or the particular meeting you went to) didn't offer support, COSA or CODA might. (Different groups have different feels and approaches.) Or you may be able to find a therapist led group in your area.

For some people the codependent label can help and be comforting. For others (myself included, at least early on) it can feel like victim blaming and can be further traumatizing. I really had to deal with the grief, anger and trauma before I could focus on anything else -- one therapist even recommended going to a grief support group instead of anything related to being a partner of a sex addict. I didn't end up feeling comfortable with that, but just the suggestion helped me see it as a grieving process.

And yes, it is lonely and isolating! I had a similar experience in my first 12 Step group, where many women were very stuck in bitterness, anger and hatred toward their partners. And I too had to stop going to meetings because they did more harm than good. I eventually found support and help that was a better fit, and I've found that what is a good fit can change with time as my needs change.

Help is out there, but it can be hard to find. And healing and joy are coming, they just take a lot longer to get here than any of us want.

By: lisa

lisa — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 15:44:57 +0000

I just found out six weeks ago, after over 30 years of what I thought was a happy (not perfect) marriage. Two grown wonderful kids. I can't even begin to describe the pain and despair. We've had counseling and he's attending SA meetings, but I have no one. I can't see my girlfriends because he obsessed about them and they trigger me. I ended up in the psych ward for three days. I just want out of this pain. The day I seriously considered ending my life was the day I found out I'm going to be a grandmother. He has his groups, his counselor, etc. but where do I go for support. My parents are dead and the rest of my family wouldn't understand. I tried SA Anon, but to me it's insulting to call me a co-dependent or co-addict. I had no idea of his addiction and I didn't cause it. The women there were grim even many years later. I want my joy back, but all I feel is despair and loneliness. Is there a site for people like me?

By: dynomitegirl

dynomitegirl — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 14:43:22 +0000

Thank you for sharing this, very brave, and you are a wonderful writer.

By: C. Christine @ battleofjoan

C. Christine @ battleofjoan — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 22:48:50 +0000

I found out the awful truth when I was pregnant, too. Got sent into preterm labor, but delivered her on time. There is always hope...

By: michelle

michelle — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 04:22:26 +0000

I just finished this series, and it's incredible.

By: Ava

Ava — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 00:58:42 +0000

I am struggling tonight with my partner's failed recovery; wondering when to drop the life raft for my own escape. The emotional events that you describe so honestly mirror mine so closely. Thank you. I have much to learn from a woman 20 years my junior.

By: K Scott

K Scott — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 21:23:23 +0000

NYTimes' Motherlode brought me to your site and I'm so glad. You have a wonderful & supportive community, and I just want to tell you how brave and giving I think you are for sharing this. You are a fabulous writer and an inspiration to me... something I did not expect to find as I sought out, originally, your entry on autism (a subject near and dear to my heart). You make me want to write, but more than that, you make me want to share b/c I see how you help others.

You also have shown me the complex layers of love. Thank you.

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 18:16:00 +0000

Close to tears. My heart aches. Your strength inspires and motivates me. Continued success, health & happiness to your family. Much love!
-T

By: Coby

Coby — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 18:34:00 +0000

Hello Mary, I can only say this: Your series and your brave writing style touched my heart. I have a few things very much in common with you. I have a beautiful 7 year old autistic son named Camron. I also have an ex wife that cheated. Your story riveted me. I am happy to see you and your husband worked your way out of that semmingly dark pit. I only wish I had your courage. I took the opposite path, and I must say I regret not trying to work it out. I was not strong enough. I have the deepest respect for you.

By: Mary P Jones (MPJ)

Mary P Jones (MPJ) — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 01:35:00 +0000

Anonymous, I'm so glad. One of the things my husband and I most felt at the beginning was alone -- as if we were the first and only people to ever go through all this. And it's been one of the gifts of reaching out and looking for help to find that we're not.