There used to be times when I would see certain women and feel an intense, irrational hatred toward them. I wasn't sure where the feeling came from, but I knew it had something to do with sex. Some were women I knew personally, like coworkers or acquaintances or even retail clerks. Some were women I'd never met at all, like celebrities or unseen Internet friends of my husband's or strangers I'd pass on the street.
I'd feel a wave of aggressive sexuality coming from these women that would make my chest tight with rage. Everything about them screamed sex and seemed to say, "I want every man to desire me, and when a man desires me, nothing will prevent me from trying to get him to act on that, if he is what I want."
In the days immediately following my husband's revelation that he was a sex addict, I pressed him for details with sleepless fury. I wanted to know everything: to break the bond of secrecy he had with these other women, to reclaim my reality, and to try to make sense of what had happened and what was happening. I would make lists of tens questions as they popped into my mind during the day, so that I wouldn't forget a thing, and I would keep him up far into the night answering them, not letting either of us rest until I knew every word, every thought, every name, every touch.
I know this wasn't a unique desire; the first impulse of many wounded and betrayed partners is to want to know everything. And I know that many of them regret it; that knowledge stays with them and the images haunt them. But while it's true that those details did (and sometimes still do) bring a deep, piercing pain, they also did bring me some of that insight I craved and some of my first real moments of empathy: for my husband and the women he was with.
In one of those very early days, my husband was telling me about a sexual encounter. The woman he described was very sexual, very eager and willing to become intimate quickly. And yet, although they had sex, she refused to touch him. As she took shape through his words, I saw her arranging a casual sexual encounter with a married man whose body she wanted and shuddered at, to whom she revealed herself and from whom she wanted to hide. And the realization of her pain went through me like an electric shock. I shook with rage, locked for that one moment in a furious solidarity with the woman whose actions tortured me, as I hissed at my husband, "My God! That woman was sexually abused! How could you not see that? How could you use her like that?"
I started to see, slowly, that she wasn't the only one. The women my husband acted out with were, each in their own way, deeply hurt and damaged. In trying to understand the other side of my husband's story, I read books (because I'm a nerd like that) on female sex addiction. I read the personal stories of women like former porn star Shelley Luben. I got to know courageous, inspiring women bloggers who struggle with their own compulsive sexual behavior.
I learned how abuse, particularly sexual abuse, can lead women to seek out love in the only way it has ever been shown to them, through sex. I saw how sex could be used to medicate feelings created by the abuse: that they were unworthy, undesirable and unlovable. I saw how that aggressive sexuality that threatened me was a woman's way of seeking power over her abuser. And I started to recognize that when a woman made me feel uncomfortable and threatened with her sexuality, it was a sign, not of her desirability or confidence, but of some deep, past hurt to her body, mind and spirit.
A few days ago, I was chatting with some friends in recovery about celebrities when the topic of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie came up. And I said, "Oh, I hate Angelina Jolie!" It wasn't one of those dramatic uses of the word hate either. I thought about her and felt a sickness like a punch in the stomach. I've never met the woman, I know nothing about her other than her on-screen persona and the headlines I've seen on tabloids in line for the supermarket checkout. But I have truly always felt a tight, burning rage and disgust at the sight of her.
"Ugh! So do I," said one of my friends, who is also the partner of a sex addict.
"That's because you're both with sex addicts," said another. "She's sexy and you're threatened by her."
Duh. I hadn't thought about it lately, my hatred for Angelina Jolie was so long standing and unspoken that I'd virtually forgotten about it. But why had I always had such passionate negative feelings about her? What had she ever done to inspire irrational loathing in me? She was sexy. Sexy in the same distinctive, fierce way that always made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.
And the proverbial light bulb clicked on, right over my head, and flooded every cobwebby room in my mind with light. Angelina Jolie must have been sexually abused. I just knew it, felt it, there in the aggressive sexual energy that was beating against me. And I experienced one of those moments where faces and images and sound fired at me in a rapid barrage, like a movie time traveler. The women my husband was with were abused. Prostitutes and porn stars overwhelmingly come from abusive backgrounds. Marilyn Monroe, the queen of sexy herself, the woman on whom so many women from whom that same threatening sexuality radiates have modeled their own image: Marilyn Monroe, was sexually abused as a child.*
And I sat there like some slapstick cartoon character, with stars dancing around my head, knocked to the ground by that falling anvil. What we call sexy, what we hold up as the standard of female sexuality as a culture, the sexiness we aspire to and celebrate, is the sexuality of abuse. In looking for feminine power in movie stars and models, in porn stars and pole dancers, we're aspiring to be victimized girls grown up, fiercely pretending to revel in our shame. We are modeling our behavior on a sexuality born of violence against women, of abuse, of molestation, of rape.
And I thought, my God. My God. What are we doing?
*Biographies of Marilyn Monroe document her sexual abuse, and while she exudes sexy, I've always adored her. I think it's the codie in me reacting to that vulnerability that needs taking care of.
I am feeling like that slapstick character myself.
What a thought. That's really disturbing and I'm going to have to chew on it, because it kind of grosses me out. The fact that it smells of Truth only makes it more repugnant.
Very brave of you to even explore this thread of addiction.
There is something in here that overlaps with my addiction post. I remember Neil saying his encounters with his F*** buddies always started with them giving him a blow job, did he give one back? No! of course not! Who are these otherwise acomplished intelligent women who will give themselves over to the "service" of an unworthy recipient? The abused is who. He also said I did some atrocious demeaning things with them (didn't expand on this really) and still convinced them to be "my friend" the next day. What the? reminds me of something bizylizy wrote about. Thanks for the insight, it may be more complex, but this explanation fits.
I'd have to agree for the most part. I've always sensed the celebrities who were abused, and then later, I'd be validated by their public announcement of it. But I don't get that vibe with Angelina, at all. Has she admitted to being abused?
Like the blog, btw.
msshad, welcome! I did a little poking around before I wrote the post to see if I could find anything to validate my gut feeling on Angelina Jolie. And she has definitely not admitted to being sexually abused.
However, she has admitted to being sexual at an early age (taking her clothes off for boys in kindergarten) and to cutting herself, both of which point to sexual abuse. And I found a few things that led me to believe she has admitted to suffering some type of physical or emotional abuse or neglect as a child -- just not sexual abuse in particular.
You've touched upon something I've long suspected, but could never quite validate in my mind.
Having worked years in the sex industry, I've seen the correlation between abusive childhood histories, and the decided career paths of these victims.
Like you, I can spot them, sense them, smell them a mile away.
Our society seems to thrive on exploitation, yes? Whether it be child labor in third world countries, or a piece of flesh that offers up sexuality for any price...who cares how they get there. As long as we get what we want.
I understand the hatred for "sexy" women - I used to feel that way, like a gut reaction to someone powerfully sexy. That was in high school and came from my own insecurities and desires to be seen as sexy and powerful. I don't remember when I stopped feeling that way. Nowadays I usually feel some sort of pity for an aggressively sexy woman. Maybe I'm sensing some sort of abuse there like you do.
But alas...I love Angelina, haha
Oh yeah, and I meant to say, very powerful post...awesome
Fascinating, fascinating theory, that I find scarily likely to be absolutely true.
I have always felt great sadness for women who work in the porn industry and this makes so much sense of it.
Oh my, I need to write now... not sure if for my blog, but for something. Thank you.
At a 12-step conference I attended a few years ago I noticed that the women married to sex addicts were gorgeous while the women like me were looked a bit dumpy.
Strange.
Since then I've wondered if my desire to look nice is reflective of my recovery.
thegentlepath, I've definitely noticed a correlation between how I feel about my body and my appearance and recovery. I don't know if I'll get around to it this week, but it's something I've been meaning to write about.
Word.
This is so scary. But now that I think about it, it certainly feels related based on my experiences and the women I've known.
I'm not sure I can jump from Point A -- "That woman was abused; how could you use her like that?" -- to Point B -- "Angelina Jolie feels the same way to me, she must have been abused." She certainly makes use of her unusual looks and has that aura of power around her. But could it also be that she is an ambitious, intelligent woman making use of what fate has given her? I'm always a bit nervous about diagnosing people, even in my own mind, that I don't know. I know that people who have been wounded, in any of many ways, sometimes use whatever they have to appear strong and invulnerable. As far as I know from the checkout line, Angelina has been on the outs with her father for many years, and he deserted her mother, so, that could be pretty wounding itself.
In sum, I think you are on to something here, but it could be a more nuanced thing you are seeing.
Sorry, that was from me, not Littlenora.
lookfar, I'm assuming you posted as uruviel?
In any case, I expected some folks would have a problem with that leap. It sounds crazy -- and unjustifiable, but it's my truth.
In recovery, I'm learning to trust that in a whole new way -- and I've found, to my surprise, a world that is both more and less nuanced than I ever would have believed before. Our stories are all unique, yet our stories are all the same.
A Haiku for you:
Wow...you blew my mind.
Every word in this post is
My absolute truth.
Yesterday I read your post, and right after that I read a post on Jezebel
about undergoing plastic surgery as a way to stay competitive in the workplace. How depressing.
I think your post is very interesting, and in terms of the theory I find myself nodding in agreement. But I am not sure I agree with the assumption that every hypersexualized, predatory female is a sexual abuse victim. Many are damaged, sure. But abuse has many manifestations. So I find myself agreeing with Uruviel.
Ingrid, thanks. I'll have to take a look at the Jezebel post.
And to clarify my post. I do believe that sexual abuse produces a distinctive and recognizable feel and pattern. And I believe that the particular women I mentioned were sexually abused.
But I actually agree that it doesn't necessarily follow that all sexy women, or women with issues about their sexuality, are victims of sexual abuse. I'm not myself a victim of sexual abuse, but I have exhibited some aggressive sexual behavior at times. The women I'm thinking of have problems and patterns of behavior that extend beyond just "sexiness."
And I am saying that when women act sexy, as our culture defines it, they are unknowingly mimicking the behavior of victims of sexual abuse.
Hope that makes sense and clarifies.
Yeah--I'm not sure either.
Mostly because I'm one of the women who other women see that way, sometimes, and I've never been a victim of sexual abuse. And for a while, it was intentional--but that was because for so long people told me I was ugly that when they started to say I was "hot" I completely fell for the power that's supposed to bring. And found it hollow, and stopped.
It's funny. I'm normally not about celebrity culture at all. I never read tabloids, never read People or Us or whatever, I just don't care. But Angelina Jolie reminds me of myself somehow (not that I look like her) and I feel very friendly towards her, even though I know practically nothing about her. And all of it filtered through media, so meaningless. But if my feeling about her is any guide, then she may very well have been abused--just not in the way you've assumed.
Even: little girls are supposed to bond with their fathers in order to prepare themselves for adult relationships, right? So if you've been deserted by your father and deprived of that, how does that warp the way you relate to men later on?
andrea, I think you've got a great point -- the way we feel about and react to celebrities reveals a lot about how we see the world and ourselves.
I had to stop listening to election coverage months ago because I'm way too emotionally close to Hillary.
Your post was great and may have some truth to it, but as a victim of sexual abuse myself, I can say that not all women are hypersexual after being abused. Some go the opposite route and do whatever it takes to be as nonsexual as possible so as not to attract the attention of men at all. Some go back and forth, and some just appear normal. It doesn't always manifest itself through appearance, but the damage can be stored away deep inside oneself only to be expressed in other strange and baffling ways.
SAWife, absolutely. Every woman, every person, responds differently to abuse. In some people, that response is hypersexual. And it's that particular sexuality that I find our culture values and that I, as a woman, have unconsciously tried to emulate.
True, true....It's also probable that women who are often threatened by other highly sexualized women have been abused..if not sexually, then emotionally (as many of us have been). Hence, the low self-esteem, "she is better than me", etc etc... just perusing though my thoughts...
I've believed this for a long time. I've read that there's also a correlation between sexual abuse and abortion, (I'm trying to find the article on this but can't at the moment) and I think there may something to it in being able to take yourself far away from the moment, if only in your mind. I think it's also true that the sexual abuser is often also a survivor of sexual abuse but that may be more commonly known.
Great posting, as usual.
Another stellar post, MPJ. This is some of what I have been struggling with in trying to understand my femininity and experience it in a positive versus having my sexuality be a response to negative history and/or outside expectations.
I love Angelina Jolie, btw. But I always saw her as damaged and I always saw her as a survivor in a way I often wished I could emulate.
I'm loving these posts. Thanks for sharing them.
I did the same thing when I found out about 18 women he had been with in our 9 year marriage. So many of them were abused. Some of them underage. Most of them married. He would look for ones in abusive relationships, who were overweight, who were stay at home moms...he used them.
I remember when he confessed sleeping with my friend of 22 years after our second child's baby shower. I was in shock because her child is 9 months younger than mine. He said no way because her eyes completely gazed over, so they didn't "do it long".
Abusers abusing the abused.
SAWife, I think that's totally true -- many of us partners of addicts have been abused in some way (sexually or otherwise as well) and struggle with our own issues around that. As a woman in one of my S-Anon meetings once said (at just the moment when I needed to hear it), "we're not with these men for no reason."
butterflie, my husband had a pattern of acting out with women who were very lost and insecure -- sometimes they were victims of abuse, sometimes women who felt physically unattractive, sometimes women of different races or cultures who felt out of place in their current environment.
The cycle of abuse makes me think of something W.H. Auden wrote, "Those to whom evil is done
Do evil in return."
"My God! That woman was sexually abused! How could you not see that? How could you use her like that?"
This was a huge shock for me in my early recovery. When I worked step 1 and read stories of other sex addicts (particularly the women) in the SAA basic text, I made this realization about many of my affair partners. I had no idea at the time. I didn't even understand my own pain; how could I understand theirs?
If you've read my post "former lovers", you've seen that realization already. I wish that I could give my gift of recovery to the women that I hurt. I wish that I could undo my part in their pain. ..
I have a problem with sex-positive feminists who think that sex workers are empowering themselves by selling their bodies or a sexual service; but I have to be honest and say that it also troubles me when you insist on seeing certain women as victims. Every time you write a post like this, I always feel sad that you've taken away these women's agency from them.
You may indeed be right that Angelina Jolie was sexually abused, but why the need to research online to see if she had ever referred to it? She definitely has an air of vulnerability to her, but there are also many things about her which are incredibly strong and intriguing. Why can't we focus on them instead?
As regards your former irrational jealousy towards sexy women, I can relate to that 100%. However, I tend to think it's because women (no matter how far we've come) still think of ourselves (subconsciously)as objects of male desire. Every time I see an attractive woman, I have this pathetic need to look at her, and look at her, to find some minor flaw, which will mean that I'm prettier. Disgusting, eh? But this has got nothing to do with her possible history of abuse - rather it's because I've been conditioned to need the male gaze to feel worthwhile. This is also why I HATE working exclusively with women, as the level of cattiness between them is horrendous. We always seem to be competing with each other for men. Of course, this sentiment is never out in the open, but I'm pretty sure that's what it is.
Amazing. "What we call sexy, what we hold up as the standard of female sexuality as a culture, the sexiness we aspire to and celebrate, is the sexuality of abuse." Wow.
As for the images ("the first impulse of many wounded and betrayed partners is to want to know everything. And I know that many of them regret it; that knowledge stays with them and the images haunt them."):
I too needed the images, and am still glad that I have them. And when I needed someplace to put them, I wrote them into stories. Because, if I write it well enough, honestly enough, clearly enough, some of the pain leaks out of the reality and onto the page. (I found the same to be true with writing honestly about my reactions to my daughter's prenatal diagnosis with T21 and a heart defect.)
In stories, the images don't threaten me anymore, because I control them. And they're safe to share with others I know, because it's fiction.
Everybody wins.