When I posted a few months ago (starting here) about how I came to discover my husband's sex addiction, I wrote a post about his porn use and promised to follow up with a post about my own complicated feelings about and relationship with porn. But it's only been recently that I've gotten my mind wrapped around the subject to a degree where I felt I could begin to write about it. This (Velvet Verbosity is sighing in relief) is the long awaited, can't-possibly-live-up-to-expectations porn post.
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| Photo credit: Photo by *nathan |
I can't remember when I was first introduced to Porn. I know I'd heard about Porn before we actually met, and I was intrigued. Sure, there were folks who told me to stay away, who said that Porn was bad, or more than bad: evil. I heard all kinds of claims about the bad things Porn had done: Porn was nasty, Porn abused women, Porn was Satan's bitch.
But I thought Porn seemed sexy, exciting, fun; Porn was harmless and misunderstood; Porn was discriminated against by hopelessly dull and uptight women who were threatened by sex or by hypocritical men who sought to control women's sexuality while themselves secretly partying with Porn. Porn's friends and lovers were grown men and women, who were capable of wearing big boy and big girl underwear, but chose to forsake those for big boy and big girl thongs and crotchless panties instead.
So, Porn and I started hanging out; we had fun. I found Porn funny and entertaining. Porn liked to date bad actors who made me giggle. I didn't feel threatened by Porn. Porn kept my secrets and let me explore fantasies in a safe solo environment where no one was going to hurt or pressure or judge me. And I defended Porn from all attackers:
Ms. Anti-Porn: "Porn is immoral and people who hang out with Porn are bad people."Me: "I don't think Porn is immoral."
Ms. A-P: "But God hates Porn."
Me: "But I don't believe in God."
Ms. A-P: "You are bad and going to hell."
Me: "Well, then I might as well kick back and enjoy myself with Porn in the meantime."
Ms. A-P: "But wait, Porn is degrading to women. I thought you were a feminist."
Me: "The women who get involved with Porn are adults who are making their own choices about their bodies and careers. The problem is not Porn but society's double standard."
Ms. A-P: "Their actions contribute to that double standard and drag all women down. You've been brainwashed by the patriarchy and are not really a feminist."
Me: "I think you're the one who's not really a feminist for not respecting women's choices."
Ms. A-P: "You're wrong."
Me: "No, you're wrong."
Ms. A-P: "No, you're wrong."
Me: "Whatever, you are boring and uptight. I'm going to go hang out with Porn now and have some fun."
So, I did. I hung out with Porn from time to time, alone or with my husband, with not a care in the world. Sometimes my husband hung out with Porn alone, and that was ok too. After all, Porn was a mutual friend. But then he started to get really serious about Porn, he was spending more and more time with Porn. He'd spend time away from me and our baby, out with Porn instead. And eventually, he met some people through Porn and got involved with them: sexual online chats, sexual e-mails, lap dances, sexual encounters.
It didn't bother me when we were casually hanging out with Porn, together or alone, but it did bother me when he craved Porn more often than the occasional fun evening together, when Porn usurped his life and mind to the point where he was obsessed with Porn to the exclusion of his own family, when he needed more than what Porn alone could give him, when Porn introduced him to other people.
And I started to see Porn differently. I wasn't angry at Porn. I still didn't think Porn was morally wrong, but I could see now that Porn was spiritually damaging and that the people who were involved with Porn were damaged people. Porn didn't seem fun and sexy anymore, Porn seemed hurt and lonely. Porn was laughing and carousing and spinning in wild hedonism to hide a deep pain. And the people involved with Porn were pretending to have fun, but I could suddenly see in so many of their eyes how degraded and ashamed they felt. I saw women who had been sexually abused hanging on Porn's arm, looking for reassurance and love. I saw men who had been molested strutting by Porn's side, trying to make it ok. I saw eyes glazed over with drugs. I saw lonely, aching emptiness. I hadn't been a voyeur to people's pleasure, I had been a voyeur to their suffering.
I was out of the Matrix; Porn was still inside it. And it just wasn't fun or entertaining anymore. It was painful and sad.
So, Porn and I, we don't hang out anymore. But we're both ok with that. Porn has lots of other friends, and so do I.
Oh wow - what are the odds of that happening?! I agree - I like that we both (whatever that big word you used on my blog) addictions as well today.
It is complex, because there are so many different issues that come into play, so many misunderstandings, so much righteousness, etc.
But when all is said and done...I completely agree: Porn is a window on suffering, not sexuality.
Really thought provoking post, especially when viewed as a companion piece to your "Sexy" post. Quite brave of you to be so honest, and talented of you to not make it TMI. =)
One question though: Porn really doesn't anger you? I'm just curious, because I think "porn" and I shake with rage. Pity does not even enter the picture. The emotional reaction of others to this subject always intrigues me, just cuz' mine is so visceral and deep-seated.
I really wish my ex could read this series. I don't know if it would do any good, as he seems to still be in denial. Your observations of sexually abused women who seem to gravitate towards people who will use them, or an entire industry that will, is so dead-on.
I am curious to know if these revelations would make any difference to the sex addicted men whose fix depends on abused women...? Or does denial continue to cloud their minds?
My mother told me that while as my mom she didn't really want to think about me ever watching porn, if was going to watch, I ought to wait until after I had sex, because watching before I ever had sex would probably scare me half to death or give me the wrong idea about how things should really go.
Well, I couldn't resist sending this on.
http://www.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUSN1519887520080516?feedType=RSS&feedName=oddlyEnoughNews&rpc=69&pageNumber=1&virtualBrandChannel=0
Hope the link works--would hate for you to miss out on the penis museum.
I read this on two levels, understanding and agreeing with what you said about porm, and then enjoying the way you wrote about it as if Porn were a person. It reminds me of how I think about Alcohol, the other woman in My Guy's life.
MPJ, this was beautifully written and I completely agree. Like Sophie though, my response is more visceral, if only because I think of larger issues like how human trafficking is now the third most lucrative crime in the world, and a large percentage of those trafficked are women and children who, if not sold directly into the sex trade, are still often used for sex by their owners.
Everytime we objectify women for pleasure, they become less and less human in the viewer's subconscious. There are deep ways pornography and the acceptance of it in our culture affects many people.
I could go on and on, but you've read some of my posts on the matter so I think you know the other issues it raises in my mind.
great post.
i think it is rare to find someone who does not judge porn but is still willing to see all the way through it, see inside it, and be honest with what is found there.
So I'm with you on this one.
and thanks for your own honesty.
Sophie and VV, I think the feelings are complicated. I definitely didn't feel angry about my husband's porn use, even after the fact. I guess that says something about me that I didn't mind fantasy and objectification, but I was threatened by emotional attachments.
As for the broader social implications -- I'll get to those.
But maybe not today; I'm pretty freaking tired.
bizylizy, I don't think it makes a difference, except when they are ready to see it (which is one of the reasons I think I get more sad than angry), but I may ask my husband chime in on this too.
Mary Ann,
The funny thing is that Catherine at Wait. What? wrote a similar post on the same day. She wrote about going out with her husband's friend Drink.
loved it!
I guess I've always been able to see the exploited-women side of it, but I still managed to look the other way when the Ex got involved. Following his candy trail gave me more of an education than I ever wanted in suffering confused as sexuality.
This was a well-written post, as usual, but I find it troubling that your attitude towards porn has shifted so dramatically. I take exception to your earlier view that women in porn are just making informed life choices (the reality is more complicated than that) but I also take exception to your new opinion that they are all damaged and fucked-up (the reality is more complicated than that, too!).
As a sex worker (which, I guess, is kind of related to porn) I don't feel particularly empowered by my work, but I sure as hell don't feel damaged either. And I really don't like it when other women insist on seeing me as damaged, or a victim of false consciousness. In fact, attitudes like that actually make me feel worse than the actual experience of sex work ever could. When other women say things like that, it's immensely hurtful, as I feel that I'm being pigeon-holed and talked over.
My comment here sounds like I'm angry, but I'm really not. I just wanted to say that the reality of porn (and sex work) is incredibly grey, murky and ambivalent.
And I'm actually not particularly into porn. I find it such a turn-off that all the women have shaved off all their pubic hair, and have had boob jobs. Real women would turn me on much more.
Probably miss A-P had never even looked at Porn, pretty much like me, apart from the odds sneak peak at playboy in the 1970s (I think they had pubes in those days) so miss A-P was probably a babe-in-the-woods. A criticism levelled at me by my DH, but also the argument about respecting women's choices, he would love that. I was in the "its so wrong" camp, and then the "boys will be boys" camp to allow me to accept my DH. Anyway, for some reason
there is too much going on in my life to make a thorough study of porn, so I will respect your position.
I'm still making my mind up about this one!
I'm surprised actually at this post. I imagined you would have moved closer to a position of "porn is unacceptable" rather than "it's just not for me."
"I hadn't been a voyeur to people's pleasure, I had been a voyeur to their suffering." - this rang very true for me, and made me wonder why you don't feel more anti-porn now...?
Guilty and Slutty, I hope the next few posts will clarify.
I can understand why being seen as a victim is damaging. If someone is looking at me as a victim, they're not seeing me. I have no reality as an individual and no agency. It's another way of objectifying and demeaning other people instead of engaging with them in all their complexity.
I have more to say about free choice but that got so long it's turning into a post of my own!
"Porn is a window on suffering, not sexuality." woman anonymous 7
I could not agree more with this post or this comment. Having used pornography as a stepping stone, like your husband, it was a huge catalyst in my own addiction.
Thank you for the well thought out post!
I had never looked at porn either except to see a Playboy magazine a couple of times as a teen. Since discovering my husband was looking at porn I had watched it in an attempt to understand it. I saw very sad faces and not genuine pleasure. I read as much as I could, finding blogs and articles of people that had worked in the industry. The porn world is a very harsh world for the people living in it by the accounts of people that have gotten out of it. Something like 95% of them have been sexually abused in their past and suffer from post traumatic stress from their work. They also report experiencing very little pleasure in their personal sex lives. I don't think porn is sexy. I would rather be having luscious sensual sex of my own (not lately though) than veiwing others.
Well said, well said!
When I saw this post at the top, I actually stopped reading here for a while because every time I started to click over, I'd think, oh, but there's that post that I'm going to want to take time with and really think about and I don't have the time/mental energy right now . . .
which was a significant enough barrier to keep me away until late one Friday night when I should be sleeping.
#1 I love the way you wrote this. Wow it is beautifully written and well thought out. I want to add your post to my list but i don,t know how yet. New to this.
#2 now that i have said all of that I must agree with slutty mcwhore it is more complicated then that. I hated my job as a bartender but no one has ever called me damaged nor has anyone ever suggested that my profession mas ill moral or spiritually degrading this is despite the number of alcohol fatality's EVERY year. Porn is a thing and like most things it is not anything more then simply a thing. People attribute human emotion to things all the time but the things that get labeled never have the opportunity to defend themselves from the labels. Things can not DO such things.
I have to say this is one truly well written post. It was a pleasure to read and if i knew how to add you to my post I would(i am new to this blogging thing) now having said all of that I must agree with slutty mcwhore it is more complicated than that.
I hated my job as a bartender, however no one ever called me damaged . To the best of my knowledge nobody has ever called any bartender spiritually damaged for simply being a bartender nor has anyone ever called the bartending profession spiritually damaging, this is despite of the huge numbers of alcohol related fatality's each and EVERY year. People often attribute things with human emotional states. Guns are bad. Organism in women cause them to go crazy (histrionic) Porn is spiritually damaging. FACT: porn is a thing and like many things it does not have human attributes. People are the driving force in porn and it is to them and only them should we assign those very real tenants you so well express with your post . also to those who say porn is immoral let us not forget what has been morally acceptible in human histry with an understanding that moral are NOTHING more then what is CURRENTLY acceptable societal standards : slavery,rule of thumb (whipping women with a stick no wider than a males thumb), child labor, tar and feathering, stoning(still ok in some parts of the world),caining(see stoning). The point I hoped to make was just because something is in favor with society or out of favor with it does NOT make it right or wrong.