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| Image credit: Photo by MFinChina on Flickr |
The Codependent language is one with which many of you are already familiar. While there are numerous variations and dialects, the lyrical nuances of Codependent itself are preferred by many in the Codependent tribe. Derived from the ancient Passive-Aggressive, it contains elements of Veiled Criticism, Judgmental Subtext, Implied Requests and Ritualistic Inducement of Guilt, and is spoken by millions of Codies every day.
Codependent uses context and shared emotional understanding in much the same way that tonal languages, such as Chinese, use intonation; Codependent words may share a phonetic sound with common English words but have a vastly different meaning. Unfortunately, confusion and miscommunication can arise when native speakers of this language assume that everyone is, in fact, speaking the same language.
For a better understanding of the intricacies of this language, I present two hypothetical conversations, with my translation in italics:
TWO CODIES IN FRIENDLY CONVERSATION IN THEIR NATIVE TONGUE
Joan: Hi, Jane. I just thought I'd call because I haven't heard from you in a while.
I think you don't love me any more. If you really loved me, you would have called sooner.
Jane: I'm so sorry. I know I should have called sooner. How are you?
My house burned to the ground. My car was stolen. I responded to one of those Nigerian e-mail scams and now the FBI has a hold on my life savings because I am under suspicion for funding terrorists. I have been making calls to the insurance company and my lawyer by walking 3 miles to the nearest pay phone and licking people's shoes clean for quarters to pay for the calls. But I know that if I really loved you, I should have worked harder and done better. I'm ashamed that I haven't done more to take care of you. I'm selfish. I promise I'll work harder and do better. Please love me!*
Joan: I'm doing ok. How about you?
Things have been terrible. Why don't you love me more? Where were you? Why did you abandon me? Maybe it's because I haven't been working hard enough and doing well enough. I'll work harder and do better! Please love me!
Jane: Things are ok.
Terrible, but I don't want to upset you. I'm so ashamed by how selfish I've been so far. I need to work harder and do better. Please love me!
Joan: Well, I should let you go now.
I needed to have left five minutes ago but didn't want to hurt your feelings. Now I will make it seem like, in leaving, I'm still taking care of your needs, because I know mine aren't important.
Jane: I'm so glad you called. It's been so nice talking to you.
I'm still ashamed. I promise I will walk 3 miles to the pay phone tomorrow and lick someone's shoes just to call you.
Joan: You too. Keep in touch.
I'll be really hurt if you don't call and will know you don't love me enough. I know I've done a terrible job as a friend, but at least I made this phone call, which puts me one up on you and should induce the guilt necessary to get you to call.
A CODIE ATTEMPTING TO GET HER NEEDS MET**
Joan: Wow, the trash sure is full. Are there any more trash bags?
You sloppy pig. I can't believe you didn't already take the trash out. I bet you're going to use the "there are no more trash bags" excuse again. You could damn well go to the store for once and get some. But no, I have to do freaking everything. I want you to take the trash out NOW and if we're out of trash bags, I want you to go get them.
Jean: I don't know.
Joan: I guess I'll check. Oh, here they are.
Ok, here are the trash bags. I checked, even though you were supposed to. I'm doing all your freaking work for you again. Now I've said the trash bags are here, take out the trash like you're supposed to!
Jean: Great.
Joan: Well, I guess I'll just take the trash out now.
I can't believe I have to take the trash out again. I can't believe I ask Jean for help all the time and I still have to do everything.
Jean: Ok.
[Note: Joan believes that she did ask in English when in fact she was speaking Codependent, leading Jean to misunderstand her intent.]
* Thanks to my CF crew for the codie battle cry "I'll work harder. I'll do better. Please love me."
** Conversation where a codie tries to get her needs met was inspired by watching a video tape of myself in which I was really angry and thought I was stating my wants and needs forcefully enough to be rude. Ha!
This is the best laugh I've had all day. This post had me rolling in laughter. Sooo true.
Ever since my husband and I have been together he always says "Sweet dreams", before we go to sleep. He says he is codependent on top of his addictions. When the sh*t hit the fan over the porn and things were wretched that man would still say "Sweet dreams" at night but I could swear I really heard him say, "STF up about the porn already, you b*tch". I have always responded with "You too" and so I continued you do so but my mind was saying, "You have made my life a living nightmare, you b*stard"!
Ack, Willow! You made me laugh too now.
MPJ,
In my house, when Tigerdad and I have the trash conversation, I say the things in parentheses aloud. Everyone knows where I stand.
Does that make me a codie? Or just out there?
Tigermom
It's a good thing no one's taping me!
I ordered some books from the CODA web site, from the link you posted. Will let you know if I learn something.
Sadly, perfect. Laughing & cringing at the same time. But if we can't laugh at ourselves, who we gonna laugh at?
Ouch!!!
It's like you have bugged my home...
I love it! Great post!!!
It is nice to know I am not the only one...haha!
Too friggin' funny. I liked the part about the lyrical nuances the best.
I don't know anything about codependency, but I do know about this training we as women receive from day one. The training to be nice, to never show anger or other negative emotions, to be non-confrontational, to put everyone else first, to say yes when we desperately want to say no, to never ask for or demand right out what we need or want, to never nag or do anything that might be perceived as nagging, to protect these fragile men-creatures that choose to live with us but might be frightened off by our unreasonable demands. We are deathly afraid to be called a bitch, so we pander and pussyfoot around the issues to keep from offending anyone, but most especially our delicate men-folk. So maybe every single one of our gender is codependent.
omg -- I had this conversation last night! The exact one
That was very funny. Good job.
I was wondering where the conversation displaying the sub-dialect If You Really Loved Me You Would Know What I Am Thinking was, but on reflection, this dialect (at which I am very proficient) is almost completely silent and largely involves repetitions of the word "Yes." Maybe I'll write it up into a post....
burning prairie--I agree! It's like a supercharged femininity, which is probably why most codies are women.
I don't know if that last conversation was codie or just living with someone... i have had the conversation with my husband and old roommates (girls even).
But what made me laugh more was the image i had in my head of a nature show... Look we have come across two baboons mating... let's watch and see their particular mating habits.. hehe. I SOO want to see this as a sketch. Too funny...
Great post--this cracked me up. I've decided "I'll work harder. I'll do better. Please love me" is going to be my next tattoo (a tramp stamp perhaps?)
Burning Prairie, you reminded me. I need to do a post on what codependency is!
Oh, Margaux, that would be hilarious!
That would be appreciated. I, like most lay-people, know what an addict is, heck, even old cartoons make use of the drunken bum stereotype! How would you distinguish someone who is codependent? Your example (trash) sounded just like every request I used to make of my husband until I stopped tip-toeing around his delicate, widdle feelings! At his request, btw! I often think that when people have been friends or partners for so long, they each just expect the other to know!
And I still think that women as a whole are trained to be as inoffensive as possible. So I guess I can't see the distinction.
Really interesting!!
Oh this is priceless!!! I want to copy it to email my family and friends - you are wonderful!!
Cat, as long as you give them a link to my blog along with it, you go for it.
Holy crap, you just described my wife to the T. I guess you are all the same, and that's a Good thing for us addicts.
Funny, but painful, you know? Listening in to that.
Ha ha! You're a genius
I actually just blogged about codependency today...
Guilty, I haven't done my blog reading yet today. I'm looking forward to getting to yours!
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