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| Photo credit: Image by Donna62 on Flickr |
During my time in S-Anon, I met a woman named Sue.** Sue began attending 12 Step after discovering that her husband, Mike, was a sex addict and had spent their twenty years of marriage enmeshed in a double life that included porn, strip clubs and prostitution.
Sue was angry about Mike's betrayal and the thousands of dollars he was spending every year on his addiction and the lies he told about himself. But more than that, she was exploding with anger at the lies he'd told her about herself, and that (worse) she'd believed. Mike had spent years berating her, judging her, blaming her, convincing her she was crazy, making her feel unworthy of love and affection, and by the time that Sue found her way to a 12 Step group for partners of sex addicts, she was bitter and aching from a lifetime of verbal and emotional abuse, both from Mike and her family of origin. With the relationship damaged beyond repair, Sue and Mike divorced.
Sue would spend her S-Anon shares focusing not on her own recovery, but venting about what a horrible person Mike was and detailing the many ways in which he'd selfishly hurt her. And she generalized her experiences with her husband to her understanding of all addicts, who were, in her mind, uniformly manipulative, controlling, self-centered, narcissistic, cold and emotionally distant. In spite of the fact that she had divorced Mike, she was still obsessed, not only with what he had done, but what he was currently doing: from what he was saying about her to who he was seeing.
The one source of joy and strength in her life was her relationship with God and her church. While she had been disappointed in her church community and her pastor for feeling that she should have been able to forgive Mike, stand by him and keep her marriage together, her faith and love of God transcended these hurts.
For me, Sue was like a human incarnation of those painful yoga poses, the ones that make you want to vomit, the ones you really need to work on, the ones that have something to teach you. She made me deeply uncomfortable; I was often frustrated or annoyed, and sometimes flat out angry. My experiences and relationships -- with my family of origin, my husband, the church and God -- were all vastly different from hers. Yet when I tried to share, again and again her bitter anger shut me down.
I couldn't share that I passionately loved my husband, that he was a good and caring man with a problem; Sue would tell me that he was bad and abusive and I was too deluded and weak to see it or leave. I couldn't share that I had different religious and moral beliefs, or was struggling with the concept of a higher power; Sue would say, "God is there for us whether we want Him to be or not, and one day you will come back to God and the church. It's the only way you can heal."
Her anger at her husband (and by extension mine) and her patronizing insistence that I'd come around, away from my own spiritual beliefs to find a real God, her God, grated on me, yet I'd be drawn back to her again and again. I couldn't seem to pull myself out of a relationship with her.
I was talking to Sue few months ago, and she began speculating yet again about my eventual return to the church. And I thought, "For crying out loud, woman! Jesus and I broke up. We signed the divorce papers. We're done. This relationship has been damaged beyond repair! I've got a new boyfriend, and Jesus and I are not getting back together!" And then it hit me: my relationship with a cold and abusive church is like Sue's with her cold and abusive husband, and my relationship with my loving but flawed husband is like Sue's with her loving but flawed church.
Like Sue, I am working through that toxic anger, although mine is directed not at my husband, but at the church. I am not looking to reconcile with the church, any more than Sue is looking to reconcile with her husband. But I am working, through the God of my own understanding, to find forgiveness and be able, not just to divorce the church, but to stop obsessing about what it is saying about me and who it is seeing now and how it verbally abused me and made me feel unloved when we were together.
* Actually, I'm a big fan of Jesus, but the title does capture the gist of things and is catchier than "the church is my ex" or "Christianity is my ex", so I ran with it.
** Sue is a composite of many of the stories I've heard from spouses of addicts over the years, including my own ,and none of the experiences I've attributed to Sue are unique to any one woman I've met. The narrative just worked better using a single person.
That was the funnest!
I think this oughta go on your greatest hits list. Oh, and now that you and Jesus are no longer an item, will you go steady with me?????
Great post. Don't you just love those moments of realisation? Thanks for sharing.
I hope you continue to feel less angry day by day.
I'm sure Jesus was a great guy too and divorced the church anyway... I like how you just went with that title
It sounds like you had a sudden emotional growth spurt! Funny how those often come from people who bother us.
On a different note - My husband tells me that there is a hurtful sense of being left out when we addicts are together, like before a meeting. So last week, with that in mind, I tried to say hello to two "wives" as I passed on my way to the ladies room. What a mistake! They looked at me as if I had two heads and didn't even say hello back.
I feel like telling them why I'm really there - and it has nothing to do with anybody's husband.
My sponsor says this is not a good idea and I'm inclined to agree but it still hurts.
So I want to say thank you for sharing your understanding here. I really appreciate it.
I think this is a very strong post. Too often we think finding a relationship with God has to happen through church. I really don't think that is the case. I have met people like Sue in regards to telling you what you just HAVE to do in order to live a better life. Sometimes those friendships just can't last because to me it feels like I am inflicting torture on myself if they make me that angry or upset all the time. I need that energy, I don't want them to have it. Does that make sense?
I have a buddy who used to hang out in the same degenerate bar scene as me who spent years in AA being angry and judging everybody. Then he had got saved or called or something like that as he was driving his big rig and quit AA and went to church. Now when he shows up to AA he's just looking to tell someone about Jesus. I have to say he is much happier these days. He doesnt preach in the meetings and respects AAs traditions so Im not going to say anything but I think its kinda chicken hawkish to hunt down the spiritually vulnerable AA newbies after the meetings. I do like talking to him and playing Devils advocate with him. But if he was abrasive with me I just might have to tell him what I really think which is that he came to AA so angry and hateful and spent so much time in AA hating everyone around him that his pride wouldnt let him find the spiritual solution that way so he had to go a different route. Im glad he has that route though. He is much better off and society is much better off without the old guy running around.
Writer's note: good decisions on both the title and the narrative antagonist.
Personal note: this story is exactly why I only went to a half dozen S-anon meetings. I could not deal with the bullshit of others- - not everyone, some were nice and had at least a basic understanding of the normal that they wanted in their relationships, but the religious fanatics telling me that it was my fault for being where I was because I didn't keep my commitment to keep Jesus in my heart as my personal Lord and Saviour (I'm the worst in the fundamentalist book, I'm a back-slider) and I couldn't take the women who STAYED with their 3rd degree sex addicts who were in and out of recovery and ogling their granddaughters. YUCK!! I left those meeting wanting to kill someone.
I've said all of that b4 in my really early posts, and I know that S-Anon works for so many partners who are struggling with the ravages of sex addiction in their lives. Perhaps I just didn't find a meeting that provided the synergy that I was looking for. It's all good. I think that diagnosing and recovering from bipolar disorder really tipped the health scales for all of us in my family. I learned what needed to be learned: take care of myself in a respectful, loving, and disciplined manner and the rest will come. I know that I can adore my husband and that I can also hold him to the same standard to which i hold myself: take care of your own shit and don't blame it on anyone else. Or, as Cloe says, put on your Big Boy/ Big Girl pants and deal with it.
Yet, your observation on dealing with the toxic anger and finding forgiveness in our hearts is spot on. Learning that it needs to be applied to more than just our S.O.'s and spread amongst our near and dears, our own selves and the plethora of other folks that we encounter in life... that takes a bit of time and a touch of enlightenment, both of which seem to have found you. Can you sprinkle some of that enlightenment fairy dust and blow it through your computer screen?
Amen, MPJ!!!!!
When I was in a Christian private school growing up, I walked out of an assembly where the outside speaker said that anyone who hadn't found Jesus was going straight to hell. Well, if that's true, then I'm going to have a lot of company there - cool folks I like.
My vision of the after life (if there is one) is that everyone is "out there" - not in a specific place like a heaven or a hell.
PS - Nice to see you online again Sophie!
Love this. The church is my ex, too.
This woman will never find peace unless she gives up the anger. As far as the church, maybe you should tell us a little more about what brought you to divorcing Jesus. I really do not feel people in general should push their beliefs on anyone else. It is an individual experience. That said, if I had to sit through a meeting with that woman, I think I would have had to walk out.
Never knew Jesus well enough for him to be an ex. I'll think of him more as the guy in school who travel in such radically different circles than I did that we barely knew of each other's existence--and were happy that way.
Awesome post! I agree that it should be in your greatest hits category.
THis really poked me, moved me, stirred me, made me sit up and open my eyes wide open and really think.
I had never heard it described in this way, but YES. I'm with you.
and hearing your interpretation, the way you captured this, I got it.
Where I am with church/Jesus/Christianity so often.
And that in some ways we are all working through the exact same things, just directed in different places.
Whether we want to or not, we are in relationship with life itself.
I almost missed this post. Awesome post. Lots of grist.
This post is making a lot of sense to me!
I’m so glad all of your posts remain in my reader. I’ve decided to take them on ‘randomly’ since no other way seems to make sense at the moment. It may take me a while to catch up, but I wouldn’t have missed this one for the world. Although I share none of your actual experiences in the world, the underlying processes are often parallel … and when I read of this woman I found myself remembering similarly angry folks wanting ME to be ‘pissed’ at my ‘ex’ for leaving (particularly under the circumstances he did so) … as if there was something clearly wrong with ME because I didn’t share their perspective and/or responses. Like you … eventually I came to recognize just what lesson ‘each’ had for me … worked through the issues one by one and found these individuals either work through their OWN issues and remain in my life, or fail to do so and leave me alone. I’ve come to believe that the Universe DOES provide us with what we need, when we need it … and when we’re ready … things fall away as we release them. Thanks (as always) for being you and sharing so honestly. I’m grateful you’re in my ‘virtual’ world ;--)
Hugs and blessings,
Recovery Discovery (aka R) and Kellee, it's now on the Greatest Hits.
And R, yes, we can go steady now that Jesus and I are no longer an item.
gentlepath, yep. Wives are angry and probably scared too. I know that my husband (and I'm not alone in this) acted out with my female friends, which makes female friendships harder and less easy to trust. That makes it scary to put ourselves out there again with women we think might hurt us.
Marla, perfect sense!
Sophie, I think I told you that I found S-Anon really hard and very triggering for a lot of the same reasons. There were a lot of really hurting women who were stuck (mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically) in really bad places -- and in my group, at least, there were no healthy hopeful voices to balance that out. It was a good place to vent and work through my anger, but not a good place to find continued support in recovery.
And yes, I'm sending fairy dust your way now.
Although I'm not Catholic, it sounds like you and I have had similar spiritual journeys - away from the religions of our youth. It's been so enlightening reading about it from your point of view, and this post specifically spoke to the dogma that I've always struggled against - that for some there is only one path and if everyone else isn't on that path they're wrong. Full stop.
I'm sure you've evolved even more since this occurred and since you wrote about it in 2008, but thank you for sharing it.
[...] the same experience with religion. I had bad experiences with Christianity growing up; it’s just not a good fit for me. And I’ve had people evangelize me over the years: “You’ve never tried my church. [...]
MPJ,
Thanks for this. I was feeling grateful this morning when I woke up, and found this post had the effect on me of making me even more so. Jesus and I still go steady, but I've backed off from real committment while I work through some things. He's cool with this, but at least one friend I have would be FURIOUS if she knew. For her my struggles w/ this addiciton and my choices in recovery are so obviously not the way to go. She's got the answers, I'm on her prayer list, she'd like to get together and talk (I need to be set straight on some things.)
You make me smile. Thanks, and thanks for continuing to offer your support on jwc.
"Kinsey"