In my adventures around the Internet, I've discovered the existence of several stalwart individuals who believe that codependency along with so-called behavioral addictions (like sex, food, shopping, video gaming or gambling) simply don't exist. Now, sure, I'd met people before who would (reasonably, it seemed at the time) point out that many of these conditions are not listed in the DSM and would then argue that such "addictions" were better classified as manifestations of an obsessive compulsive disorder or other condition. So, it wasn't that these behaviors weren't a problem, but that (because no one really understands the brain fully) it wasn't clear what types of problems they were or how best to handle them. But it was a revelation to find people who seem to believe that all variations of these behaviors were healthy. And thank God I did find them, because it has changed my life.
I've learned that normal, healthy, human things -- like taking care of others, having sex, eating or playing -- have been pathologized by a vast conspiracy that includes mental health and self help "professionals" and religious institutions. These greedy and evil minions of psychology and religion are bent on tricking me into believing I have a problem so they can convert me and take my hard earned money to "cure" me. These charlatans have created social constructs to make me feel guilty and sick for my totally normal and healthy obsessive caretaking behavior. They've made my husband feel guilty and sick for the totally normal and healthy behavior of sharing streaming Internet video of himself masturbating. They've tricked me into believing that I should be angry about his normal and healthy behavior rather than embracing his sexual freedom of expression with him like a normal person would. (And forget about addiction and codependency, for crying out loud, those same therapists quacks and religious freaks have even forced the poor folks at NAMBLA to live in oppression just because of their total normal and healthy desire to sodomize children.)
I can't believe I've been so blind. Really. Why didn't I see it before? How had I become so easily convinced -- simply from the existence of therapists I'd never talked to and self help books I'd never read and the church I'd rejected -- that behaviors like spending $3000 a month on porn or refusing to leave someone who beats you or living on the streets because you lost your house betting on football games might be, oh, I don't know, a little unhealthy: you know, something that someone might want to say, work on or change?
I can't believe that my self worth and self esteem, and that of my husband, were so very low -- that our self-images were so fragile and tenuous -- that our doubt in ourselves was so profound and easy to tap into -- that we could be duped and brainwashed into spending hours a week in 12 Step, time each day in meditation and thousands of dollars on therapy to change behavior that didn't need changing. Sure, we thought we were unhappy, but that's just because we didn't realize that our unhappiness was coming, not from any deep rooted personal problems, but from people so diabolical and powerful that they were willing and able to trick us into thinking we were unhappy so that they could take our money. Damn them!
Of course, since a normal, healthy person would just have laughed at those therapists rather than allowing themselves to be duped, I think I need to get to work on that problem with self-doubt that made me think I had a problem in the first place. Yep, it's time to call a therapist and get to work! I'll let you all know how it works out for me.
Ohmygosh ... I shouldn't try to read you in the afternoon when I'm exhausted. When I finished the first reading, I thought to myself ... must have missed something because this seems odd for MPJ. Of course, by the end of the 2nd reading clarity had returned (because I focused) ... and methunk ... yup! Missed it on the first reading, but I'm chuckling as I type this and I still remember why I dropped by. (no small feat my dear in my current state) I do enjoy these PSE6 classes, but I need a break soon!!!
This afternoon I’m trying to visit T-13ers (in what little time I have available) and let folks (like yourself) know I’ve left a bit of bling for them at Sacred Ruminations … so whenever you drop by again, be sure to check here.
Hugs and blessings,
storyteller, as The New Yorker learned this week, that's the problem with sarcasm and irony.
You truly have a great sense of humor and way of getting your point across with great flair.
I'll make sure I pass this deception on to my sister who just divorced the same man for the third time because of his inability to not act out with his multiple "expressions of personal freedom", like, sex with co-workers at work,chat rooms and webcam sex games,fathering a child w/the 18 yr. old nanny (my sister was 6 mths. pregnant)racked up 20,000. in credit card debt on crack, booze, porn and sex, and he lost his job because of his inability to function at work. I guess they were discriminating against his "personal expressions of freedom" to have sex in the company bathroom and go to porn sites to masturbate at work.
Willow, clearly he wouldn't have lost his job if the women of the world would have worked harder and done better to take care of his healthy male sex drive. They forced him into using porn at work! He had no choice!
Yep, we need to talk!
You're cute when you're sarcastic!!
So I'm all better already? Maybe I'm skinny, too. hee
Oh, you are being SARCASTIC! Had me worried there, for a moment. Whew.
So I guess Hitler wouldn't've been a bad guy if those six million people or so had been happy to gas themselves. Good to know.
And Ted Bundy--he just needed more willing women.
And all those kids who shoot their classmates--well, they would've been all right if counselors hadn't been trying to help them all the time...oh, wait...
marta, that's absolutely right. Hitler knew the answer: the problem is not oneself, it's everyone else.
This was great. You were really on a roll yesterday.
I've run into those people too, and I always think that if they care *that much* about it, there must be something at stake for them--it must come a little too close to home.
Maeve, I always think the same thing.
omigod this is hilarious! I started reading thinking you must have been really sleep deprived...
It's all normal, I know this because the medical world insisted on it in the papers I wrote. (Sorry, very bad stats pun)
More seriously, I think we are at the beginning of a rethink of human behaviour. This sort of "It's all normal" nonsense is a bit of a misreading of this shift. I would say that most of the stuff you talked about here is normal, inasmuch as it happens lots, and one doesn't have to be a "broken" person to exhibit the behaviour.
However, it isn't constructive behaviour. It doesn't make the person or those around them happy. This isn't exactly a radical concept - toddlers having tantrums is normal, but we understand they need to learn not to do it. Why we think we all grow out of normal, unhelpful (and actively destructive) behaviour when we grow up eludes me. I know I haven't. I also know I am normal and I have to keep trying to overcome it.
Oh dear, nursing croupy baby makes me waffle.... Sorry.
The good thing about the US is that addictions, particularly to food and sex (i.e. the ones that are less socially "acceptable" or understood), are recognized as being illnesses in need of treatment. When I lived in Scotland (I only left four years ago) there were barely any SAA meetings at all in Glasgow.
However, having now lived here in the US, I do feel that there is also a worrying tendency to use the addiction framework to make sense of all kinds of behaviour. I think this is overly simplistic and dangerous. I once had a therapist (an expert in relationship addiction) who told me that I was in the beginning stages of alcoholism, and made me feel guilty because I questioned that, and didn't want to do the whole 60 meetings in 60 days thing.
I realize that it is typical addict behaviour to deny there's a problem but, quite simply, I am not an alcoholic and I can't imagine I ever will be. I was just going through a bad, stressful time in my life where I drank too much to cope. Sure, that's certainly not healthy behaviour, but I don't do that anymore. It didn't help me at all to be told I was an alcoholic because when I went to the meetings, it just felt like the wrong fit. It also felt like this therapist was trying to shoehorn me into a certain therapeutic category.
On the other hand, though, I am perfectly willing to admit that I've got classic love addict/sex addict tendencies.
Many addictions can be talked around or "justified" with seemingly rational arguments, and it isn't until you see the effects or experience the fallout that you realize how messed up something is.
My mother, aunt and grandmother always described their gambling as a hobby and a way to go out together and have fun. I actually believed them until I went with them to the casino when I was 24. When I saw what they were doing and how they looked with my own eyes, I realized none of their justifications had been remotely true.
Oh Lord, I wish I had NEVER clicked on that link.
Well, I'm glad I clicked on your link.
ah!
It all makes so much sense now to me.. I never had a problem. (sarcasm)
I have encountered various sites online as well, and they frustrate me. ah well. Such is life; we will all continue to cling to our own belief systems until something radical makes us adjust them.
*wry knowing smile*