Last week, I asked you all to ask me anything (I'm still taking questions; keep them coming!), and I noticed that one question has been on many of your virtual lips: "Is John Edwards a sex addict?" And (on a related note): "Is everyone who has an affair a sex addict?" I'll take the second question first, just to keep you in suspense and all that.
Not everyone who is unfaithful is a sex addict, just like not everyone who gets drunk is an alcoholic. People cheat. I cheated in a previous relationship. (That's actually how I wound up with my husband; he was "the other man.") Just like alcoholism is an ongoing pattern of drinking rather than a few drunken nights, sex addiction is an ongoing, escalating pattern of compulsive behavior. Some sex addicts (for example, those addicted to pornography) may never be physically unfaithful, but addicts who are unfaithful won't just have one affair: they will have multiple affairs or one affair as the culmination of years of pornography use or serial emotional entanglements.
So, is John Edwards a sex addict? My rule of thumb for addiction (and this goes for drug use, alcoholism, gambling, etc.) is that if your behavior is egregious enough to endanger your job and get you into the news (and possibly in trouble with the law), you are probably an addict. If you get fired for drug use, lose your license for driving drunk, get caught betting against the team you coach or make headlines for getting caught with a prostitute, chances are very high that you're an addict. It's true, those things could happen to someone who just happened to get caught the one time they stepped over the line, but they're much more likely to happen to people in the grips of an addiction that causes them to step over the line time and again.
So, John Edwards does fit the rule of thumb. He had a career (and presidential/vice presidential hopes) that depended upon the maintenance of a squeaky clean image, and sex scandals are a veritable death knell for the careers of most American politicians. Edwards knew, like the folks who try to beat a workplace drug test rather than staying clean, that an affair gone public would likely lose him the job he wanted, but he did it anyway. This does fit, of course, with the "persistence in a behavior in spite of negative consequences" that is the hallmark of addiction. And my husband maintains that sex addict's affairs are like roaches: if you see one, there are hundreds more hiding in the walls.
However, the fact remains that all we in the greedy, voyeuristic public have evidence of is one affair, and one affair alone does not a sex addict make. Bill Clinton (so, close to my heart because he is so much like my husband) had multiple affairs. Eliot Spitzer had a pattern of much riskier ongoing behavior with multiple prostitutes. Peter Cook (Christie Brinkley's ex-husband) had an affair with a teenager and a $3000 a month porn habit.
So, what to think? While I know it's possible to go with a gut feeling answer to this based on John and Elizabeth Edwards' behavior in other areas (and I've talked to sex addicts and codies who do have various opinions), I think it's important to use this opportunity to help folks who are unfamiliar with sex addiction see where the behavioral lines are drawn.
So, the answer is: it's certainly possible that John Edwards is a sex addict -- and if this shakeup brings more roaches crawling out of the walls, I'll certainly give you a definitive "yes" -- but for now, without evidence of an ongoing pattern of compulsive sexual behavior, it's impossible to fairly say. He may be. He may not be. Whatever the case is, I'd like to give Elizabeth Edwards a big old hug now.
Wouldn't it be nice if we could gather all of our virtual hugs together and send them to her? She would open the package and an enormous positive, loving, healing, empathetic energy would waft up and encircle her, embrace her, and she would know she, too, is not alone.
Sophie, that's awesome! I totally want to send Elizabeth Edwards a big old care package of love now.
okay I got a question! Finally! How about female celebrity sex addicts. I seem to only hear about the men, but there must be women....
Recently discovered your blog, via Mantramine, and have read the whole thing start to finish - taken me days, partly due to your prolific writing but mostly due to a lack of me time as I am a time starved Mama too. Not a stalker, just love your style.
I agree that if someone's risking his high-profile job and public image, it's very likely that person is a sex addict. However, the thing that makes me think it could possibly be a one-time occurance is the fact that his wife is dying of cancer. Grief makes people do strange things.
Yes, what about women sex addicts? Does our culture just call them sluts? Drives me crazy the way the language deals with men who have sex versus the way it deals with women.
Hugs to Elizabeth. Hugs to all who need them.
OHHHHHHHHHHHHH.....I'm so with Elizabeth right now. I'm praying for her and her children.
Why does it matter?
I can see why it would matter to Elizabeth Edwards (and count me in on that care package). But I don't see why it matters to us, the general voyeuristic scandal-sucking public.
Whether or not he's an addict, he owns the behavior and is responsible for it, and should bear the consequences. Whether or not he's an addict, he deserves our empathy and compassion as much as anyone else. Whether or not he's an addict, there's way too much prying into the Edwards' personal life going on right now.
What will I do differently with this information? Not a thing. Whether or not he's an addict, I will still ache for his family. I didn't and wouldn't vote for him, so that wouldn't change either.
Why does it matter?
He's a sex addict. I can tell by how I liked him, instantly. And one day soon, I will tell you the story of the time he and I almost got married.
jay,
I understand where you are coming from in terms of the general public. I do agree our society gets too caught up in the personal lives of very public people.
I think that for people dealing with sex addiction in their own lives there is going to be a personal interest attached to the story. It's going to resonate with us. For me, it is a window to possibly understand more about how we deal with sexuality in our country and perhaps sexual addiction.
I don't think we can tell for certain unless it is a pattern and that remains to be seen with John Edwards. I think there are many people that have one time affairs.
Not sure about others but I have only spoken about the situation with my husband and interacted with blogger's connected to sex addict's about it. Since discovering my husband's sex addiction I would be less likely to discuss it publicly. I think it is a feeling that I wouldn't want my own life to be public chatter.
junky's wife,
You should have nabbed him while you could so you wouldn't have had to work so hard! He would have paid the bills and covered the cost for your yoga classes.
margaux,
He made a point to say that he had the affair while his wife's cancer was still in remission. I found that annoying, personally. Like that made it not as bad.
Jay, Willow said a little bit of what I'm thinking. But I think I am going to do a separate post to address your question.
I feel badly that his family has to watch this get played out in public.
Beyond that, I don't really care. We don't know what goes on behind closed doors.
It is between the Edwards, unfortunately society won't let that be.