Last week, Misery Marketing asked, "What would you say is the percentage of yourself that really believes he does have a choice to screw around or not and not that he is unwillingly controlled by addiction?"
 |
| Image credit: Photo by Torbein on Flickr Licensed under Creative Commons |
Many years ago, when I was in college, I had a conversation about God (no trust me, Misery Marketing, I'm going somewhere with this) with a friend who was an evangelical Christian. I was delighted to get a chance to ask him my big question: Why? Why did he believe in God?
I think I was expecting some great revelation, some light shining out of the sky, some secret proof that no one else had yet been able to give me. Instead I got an answer along the lines of, "Because I just do. During my years growing up and going to church, I have come to feel Him in my life."
And for years I carried that around with me, puzzling evidence that religion made no sense and there was no good reason to believe in God. Years later, I shared my confusion around this with someone else, who told me, "Your friend has faith. That's what faith is." Oh. I had heard about faith every Sunday of my childhood, yet took me nearly 30 years on this planet to see that belief in God isn't about some secret certainty, some hidden fact, it's a belief. It's faith.
I had another conversation about God a few years ago with a friend, a scientist who identifies herself as atheist. I identified myself as agnostic, and I had to admit to her that I didn't understand atheism. One of the reasons I identified as agnostic was because the existence of God cannot be scientifically disproven. How could she definitively embrace atheism when proof of God's non-existence was impossible?
And she gave me an answer very similar to that of my evangelical Christian friend: "I may not be able to disprove God's existence, but I just don't believe that's the way the universe actually works. I believe there is no God as strongly as someone who believes in God believes."
In fact, I had to admit that my agnosticism wasn't completely the product of scientific rationality either, because agreed with her: I couldn't believe that the God of my childhood was how the universe worked either.
All of us -- Christian, atheist, agnostic -- were taking our life experiences and all the data we'd gathered about the universe, and we were crunching those numbers in our heads. We were getting as close as we could to an answer, making the most sense we could based on the evidence we had, and then we were, each and every one of us, taking a leap of faith.
And that's what my husband's addiction is to me. It's a belief. I've taken all the evidence from all the experiences I've had in my life -- from everything I know of myself and my husband, from every interaction I've ever had with anyone on this planet, from all the research and learning I've done, from all my spiritual searchings -- and I've drawn the best conclusion from all of the forty years of experience and knowledge that I possibly can. I found that compulsive behavior is what makes the most sense to me in explaining the most data. And then I take a leap of faith. It's in that leap of faith that doubt lies.
When it comes to God I have to admit that there is a possibility that God is actually a man up in the sky with a flowing white beard who does things like prohibit the eating of meat on Fridays. That vision of the universe doesn't make a lot of sense to me personally, it doesn't feel quite right to me, it doesn't work as well for me and with my life experiences as my vision of my God does, but it could be true. Some part of me always wonders if I'm wrong and am going to end up hanging with Satan having my flesh burned by fire for the rest of eternity because I've had an abortion or engaged in pre-marital sex or eaten shellfish. But I can't live my life in that nebulous region of "what if." I have to live my life with my God and my understanding of the universe, on this side of that leap of faith.
It's the same thing for addiction. There is no certainty and no way to attain certainty either way. Maybe my husband is making choices about what he's doing. I have to admit that that's possible. I have to admit that the way I used to see the universe didn't fit, that I've had to change, that I've been wrong before. I have to admit that sometimes I wonder if my husband is an evil person or doesn't love me, just as I wonder if there is a Hell and if I'm going there. But it doesn't fit the data I have nearly as well. It doesn't fit well with what I know. It feels wrong to me.
At some point, whether I'm going to believe that he (and others) are acting compulsively or believe that he (and others) are choosing to act hurtfully, I'm going to have to make a leap of faith in order to live my life. I can't be (no one can) one hundred percent certain, but where I am now is working for me better than where I used to be five or ten years ago. So, I'm going to keep on believing with (oh, let's say) somewhere between 95 and 99% of me, and trust that if my leap of faith was ill advised, I'll find out when I hit the eternal rocks beneath.
Great post! And I completely agree--it is indeed a leap of faith. What really makes me see it as an addiction is that my husband's sexual behavior doesn't at all fit with who he is in all other areas of his life. It also has to do with WHEN he chooses to engage in these behaviors (HALT totally applies). To me, sex is such a loving, celebratory act. The last thing I want to do when I'm hungry, angry, lonely or tired is be sexual. I always think about that scene in the movie Mulholland Drive where Naomi Watts's character is masturbating and sobbing. To me, that was such a horribly disturbing scene. But that's exactly what it's like for a sex addict.
MPJ, this is a fantastic post! Thank you so much for putting into words the very thoughts that have been circling my head for weeks and months.
It too really like this post. Living by "what if's" doesn't get anyone anywhere. Faith.... it is such a strong word. At times it is a difficult word. I prefer the word "certain" far to often.
But I look back in my life, at the moments in my life that were turning points or moments I learned the most, is when I exercised faith.
Either way, I really like this post. Thanks for sharing!
As a fellow agnostic in life, I can nearly understand the leap of faith you take with your hubby. The 'nearly' comes not from my inability to believe you, but my non-experience with your experience. I guess I never looked at my agnostic "belief" as a leap of faith either, for that matter; but my dear you again explained yourself very eloquently. I too wondered at what point you point your finger at him and shout "bullsh!t"! Being a pragmatist, defined by the statement "whatever works, is likely true", I now have a deeper understanding of why you stay. I think it's just a fringe version of why any of us stay with spouses, because within that marriage unit: "It works".
Thanks. I think you are a rare person to share this with the rest of the world and it is appreciated in abundance!
That's a gooder mpj... I like it!
I like what you had to say about choice. Do I have a choice? Definitely. But eventually, by following a series of seemingly unrelated choices I reach the point where I no longer have the power to choose.
I feel kind of bored and lonely. I'm trying to diet, so I want to stay out of the kitchen. I thought I'd catch up on my blog reading. I found some new blogs about sex addiction that look interesting. Two of the three have photos of nude and nearly nude women.
I thought it would be a good thing for me to comment on those blogs that the nudity is a mistake. Cause I'm so helpful. Maybe some other time, that's an okay choice for me, but it's probably not super smart right now.
The thing is, I didn't realize that until a second ago. AFTER I'd already decided not to comment and was reading the posts here.
I'm grateful you don't have nude art on your blog. And I'm grateful I can choose to get off the darn computer and go make some tea.
Love is faith. When I agreed to marry my husband, I knew I was taking the proverbial leap. I'd never had a man (other than my dad of course) say he loved me. I took it on faith my husband was not lying or crazy.
Have you ever read Julia Sweeney's books? She writes a lot about god and she's funny. So, just a thought.
marta, I haven't read Julia Sweeney. I will have to check her out.
The way I think of it all is that as a scientifically indoctrinated person, I aim to have a working model of the universe that firstly works, and then is internally consistent. When I tried really hard to believe in Christianity, it just didn't work. It wasn't internally consistent either. It wasn't the best fit for my evidence. I don't think of it as a leap of faith to not believe in God, I think of it as God not being in my best fit model.
From what I have read, sex addiction being real seems to be the best fit model for a real set of circumstances. I don't have a lot of evidence to assess the model, but you do. If it is a best fit model for you, it is as real as anything else in this universe. The way I think about it, you aren't making a leap of faith, you are working on the best available model. Not that I have a problem with the idea of a leap of faith, it just feels more like a logical step than a leap to me.
This should go over in your greatest hits.
For me, (cuz' it's ALL ABOUT ME), the proof in my theorem on my husband's sex addiction is that when he is acting out, he is a completely different person. He thinks he's normal, but when addicts are acting-out they lose as many brain cells as semen. He first becomes a selfish butt nose, then argumentative and whiny, then can't seem to read a clock, and has a million excuses for every irregularity in his routine. He's not as attentive to the boys, upon whom he DOTES, and, when he is really deep in cycle, he watches me dress and undress with utter contempt in his eyes.
That f@#^*r is not my husband. That bastard does what he does (i should point out how infrequently this happens now and to less drastic extents) knowing full well that if push came to shove, i would take the boys away from him to protect them from a dysfunctional environment that approves of the objectification of women in potentially abusive situations. And the chain of sequence, the ritualistic pattern of behavior, is what gives me faith that Bowser does indeed struggle with a sexually compulsive addiction.
But his journey to recovery is and has been his salvation, and THAT is the man I believe in whole-heartedly. I don't need any faith for that.
Very well explained. There is little certainty in life.
You reminded me (rather off-topic, but you liked my naming my unborn children so here goes...) I've thought for years when I get a cat I want to call it Chomsky. Then Baddie and I were talking about what we would call our dog and I suggested Dawkins or Darwin. We thought this would be hilarious because people wouldn't realise it was tongue in cheek and think we were a bunch of middle class t*ssers! But I still kind of love it because I *love* being an atheist. And you just made me see, there's a kind of faith in that, which is probably when I felt so comforted when I got off the fence and declared myself an atheist. Hmm, I should post about this.
I can't help but think of what a philosopher once said: "Believe them that say they seek truth. Doubt them that say they have found it." I think there is too much out there to know for sure anything, especially as it relates to spiritual matters.
Really good post. Ultimately, I made a choice to not wonder what motivates others but to trust in myself and my Higher Power. I make the choices that are best for me. As a scientist, I've come to believe that there is something (a power) greater than myself. That belief is based on faith and hope. No one has gone to the other side and come back to present evidence to the contrary. So I keep believing too.
MPJ this is a subject I can relate to and I agree - there is much in life that requires such leaps of faith. Cat
Sophie, do you live at my house? I've never heard anyone describe the cycle before and you just described my husband in his acting out phase to a T.
God has been good to me. Miracles left and right. I know him and his miracles.
I would go so far as to say that even agnostics and atheists are basing their worldview on faith as well.
Although that word may be anathema to agnostics and atheists, it seems true to me. This is exemplified by the response of your atheist scientist friend. Remarkably similar to your christian friend!
The existence of a higher power can neither be proven nor disproven, as you have stated. Therefore, any statements about a higher power's existence must be based on "faith."
on a side note, I put religion-bashing scientists and atheism-bashing religious followers in the same basket of crazy. They are both extremists.
I will now take a bow. I take full credit for this post. I love the comparison here. It also makes me feel for the SA's partners since I know what a bitch it is to continue that leap of faith consistently. Anyway if you think about it in terms of two choices then here the cool part. If you chose to believe he is an addict with no power over it and you stay with him and you are wrong then you feel like an idiot. If you chose to believe he is an asshole choosing to hurt you and therefore leave him and then find out you are wrong then you will feel like the mostest biggest idiot of all time.