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| Image credit: Photo by Lst1984 on Flickr Licensed under Creative Commons |
One evening four years ago, my husband headed out to attend one of his weekly Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings. What was unusual about this particular meeting was that I had begged him not to go.
Those meetings help him. They help me. They saved our marriage. And that generally makes me a big fan of his nights out 12 stepping. However, the day before this meeting, I had undergone an abortion to end my pregnancy with what would have been our third child. Exhausted and depressed by everything that had happened in the last few days, I didn't want him to leave me for several hours to care for the kids and get them off to bed.
But Mark was adamant about going. He was still fairly early in recovery and simply didn't trust himself. If he gave himself permission to skip just one meeting, he believed he would use that to let himself justify skipping other meetings for other reasons. It felt too dangerous to him, like standing at a cliff's edge where one wrong step would send him plunging back into active addiction. He called my friend Judy and asked her to stay with me and help with the kids while he went out. And off he went.
I was devastated. As much as I love Judy and was happy to have her help and company, the person I wanted with me right then was the person twined up in my sorrow, the father of the child I decided not to have: my husband. When Mark was active in his addiction, our family often came second to his sexual acting out. And now that he was in recovery, it felt like our family still came second to this new 12 step love affair of his.
"For once -- just this one time," I thought, "why can't holding my hand when I really need you there be first on the list?" I knew this was an exaggeration. I knew Mark had been there for me, and put me ahead of himself many times in our marriage. I knew that was why I was still there working. So, I tried to breathe and remember the big picture greater good of his recovery, but it still hurt like hell. And I kept holding on to those festering resentments, never fully forgiving him for doing what he felt he needed to do that night.
Two years later, Mark came home between 9 and 10 p.m. on a meeting night, just as he always did. There wasn't anything special about that night to me, and I can't call it out in my memory. It was just part of the routine. Mark goes to meetings and gets home late a few nights a week. I feed the kids dinner, put them to bed and give him a kiss when he gets home. But that night, whichever it was, was different for Mark, because he didn't go to a meeting.
A woman he works with, who works for him, had broken up (again) with her on again off again boyfriend. So Mark asked her out on a date. Knowing that I wouldn't expect him home until later that night, he took her out to dinner and then drove her back to her apartment. He shared his slip with his group shortly afterwards, but it took him a year to get himself to a place where he could share it with me. And it's taken me a year, likewise, to share anything beyond the fact that, on the day he told me, I put myself to bed to watch the rain with a pint of gourmet ice cream for comfort and didn't get up until the next day.
It's hard, at times like that, not to take sex addiction personally. It's hard not to see those actions as separate rather than inextricably connected. It's hard not to rage and say, "You couldn't skip a meeting to be with me the day after we aborted our baby, but you could skip a meeting to take another woman out on a date?!" It's hard not to feel that those actions reflect on his love for me and for our family. It's hard to see those actions as symptoms of a disease.
I could have (I have) worked through relapses on other occasions. But to relapse on a meeting night was the greatest breech of trust of all, because in my desire to bury my anger and pain and resentment, I had elevated meetings to a level of sacredness. I had made meetings a sign that he valued our family and our relationship enough to work hard on himself and his problems. Those meetings were the talisman that I thought was keeping us all safe.
But addiction doesn't respect the sacred: not meetings or family heirlooms or pets or family or friends. It will destroy anything, sell anything, steal anything, lie to and about anything and anyone to feed its hunger. Those meetings keep it at bay, one day at a time, but nothing ever keeps us completely safe. And however it feels to me, I know in my mind (if not my heart) that skipping a meeting to go on a date doesn't mean he doesn't love me, it just means he's still an addict.
This is a struggle I've gone through as well. how in the hell do I just Trust that Bowser will be at his meetings when he says he will. He went on a business trip to LA once, and instead of going to the SA meeting he had looked up in advance, he stayed in the room and rented porn.
Bastard.
In the end, it just comes down to the basic need to just take them at their word because to do otherwise, until proven otherwise, will make us nuts.
I'm sorry for your pain. I remember the day you put that post up and I told you that Mother Earth was crying with you. The old adage "an addict is an addict is an addict" is true no matter what the addiction. It's just that this particular addiction's form of acting out feels so personal. When B acts out, I mentally bash his head in with a baseball bat until I feel better.
Mark's double standard on what constituted a good reason to skip a meeting must have felt like a slap in the face. It is to your credit that you are still able to separate the love in your marriage from the destructive actions of the addiction.
Peace to you today, Sweetie.
That's a really painful story. I don't know that I could deal with sex addiction. There's a level of trust that would seem to be forever broken. I realize that's my prejudice about the disease. And that the other addictions are probably more socially "acceptable". Thanks for enlightening me on this.
What would you say is the percentage of yourself that really believes he does have a choice to screw around or not and not that he is unwillingly controlled by addiction? Just curious. If you say zero I wont believe you though so it may be an irrelevant question.
Hugs.
I am so sorry. You are so strong. If I were you, I'd be so angry I'd go on a killing spree, probably.
Misery Marketing, I don't know that I can give a percentage. After all, 95% of all statistics are made up. (And 87% of people do not find that joke funny at all.)
In all seriousness though, the answer is non zero. But that is such an thought provoking question and you are so awesomely special that I'm going to devote a whole followup post especially to you -- I mean to answering your question. Got to think about this more and go pick the kiddies up at school now, but I should have it up for you tomorrow.
Dang. I said "non zero." I meant less than 100%. I was thinking of "a non zero probability." Sorry. I just woke up from a nap.
MPJ,
It's amazing how things will tie in for us like that. I totally get what you are saying about having raised the meeting to a sacred thing. It can apply to anything that the addict seems to hold so dearly.
The last part about addiction destroying, stealing, lying, selling, is true and one of the more shocking awarenesses that I have had over the last several months.
I have never commented on your abortion because it feels so painful to even read for me. It must have been so difficult to have to make that decision. It still seems fresh. I'm sorry you were ever faced with having to make the choice.
Thanks for sharing this painful story. Your writing so honestly about your feelings and your family struggles always touches me in so many ways.
For as long as I have been going to SLAA meetings, I have always pledged that I would never tell my husband I was at a meeting so that I could go act out. Like you said, I kept it sacred. So far ... I have been able to keep that promise to myself. I am not proud though because even though I've never skipped a meeting to act out, I've acted out before going to a meeting, and I've left a meeting to go act out. This is shameful and hard to believe about myself, but it is honest. I am grateful today that those behaviors are in the past. They are not today. Today I making different choices, but I'm always aware, I am still an addict. Misery Marketing's question is one to which I'll be looking forward to your response.
Rae, my husband tends to lie by omission best. So, I think he does something similar, but not exactly the same as what you described. He bends he his rules really hard but doesn't technically completely break them. In this case, he didn't say he was going to a meeting that night, but he also didn't say he wasn't/didn't. He just always does go, so he let me believe that was the case on that night too.
I certainly don't condone lying by omission, and yet ... why does the sex addict need to inform the spouse of a slip? Is the spouse really better off? Doesn't the 10th step say he should only make direct amends if they do not cause injury?
I don't know the answer to these questions. My sense is that in, some cases, the admission does more harm than good. Maybe it's better -- at least if the slip is an isolated case, not a pattern or full-blown relapse -- for the addict to keep his direct amends to his sponsor/group and then make indirect amends to his spouse through a change in behavior.
?
I know I can't speak for MPJ, but I can speak for myself as the partner of a sex addict. One who lies by omission all the time. One who has yet to disclose even things I already know about. The truth is, as much as it hurts to hear about these things, it is a powerful sign of recovery when our partner can begin to disclose "wrongdoings". I feel more scared when he tells me everything is fine, because not only do I know that it's not, but it means he's really being an active addict and covering up shameful behavior.
I think full disclosure is best, but I think it ought to be done very skillfully. And perhaps if M had disclosed the next day, it would have been too much. Maybe waiting a while is best, but not disclosing? That wouldn't work for me.
SA really does tear at the fabric of relationships, and the only way to put it back together, and maybe even make something more beautiful, is to build trust. Not disclosing is bad on both sides. It encourages the addict to keep secrets, and the partner knows better than to think his/her addict just woke up one day and never acted out again.
Will you always continue to support him, even through relapses? What I mean to say (without trying to be judgmental) is have you ever drawn a line in your mind in regards to how many relapses you can deal with? When does one ask themselves "enough is enough". I realize everyone has their own internal compass to measure their own tolerance, but what is your limit?
Mara, I do know others who work things that way, but I don't think this would work in our relationship. It would feel too much to me like going back to the way things were, where my husband built a fantasyland for me to live in and hid himself from me in order to "protect" me from hurt. What it actually did was undermine our intimacy. And I don't want to risk going back there, even if I have to take a short term hit of pain every now and then to stay in reality.
I may do a followup post on this too. You all are coming up with some fabulous thoughts!
Wow, MJP.
I hope to never walk the world in your shoes, because that sounds like a really hard walk. You are (in my own estimation) a very strong person and probably the best spouse someone could ask for. I know that you've blogged (and have said in numerous interviews) that SA has nothing to do with the non-addicted spouse; meaning that it's not what they did or didn't do that causes the addiction and so therefore it isn't up to them to "make it right" but I'd argue that while that's all true there are those that rise above it and that keep trying and supporting (while keeping their own selves intact) and those people deserve some kind of special award or they should get a special edition of Mike Rowe's "Dirty Jobs" or something. Because you took your vows more seriously than most people do (and they leave over things that are less destructive to trust). I gotta hand it to you for staying, even though it's a hard road and sometimes an ugly road. Thank you for sharing with us; I know it's helping me to be a better spouse just because I'm learning every time I read your blog how very lucky I am.
Anonymous, another good question. I think it's legitimate to wonder "how much is too much?" I think I've gotten a week's worth of posts from the comments on this one!
You are brave and you must truly experience love. Otherwise you'd leave, right? You and your marriage amaze me for how great the love must be. I can't put the sound of my voice into the post to truly convey how I feel about that, but I am deeply moved.
I don't think I could stay with my husband. But no one knows until they're there.
marta, yep, you never do know. If you would have asked me five years ago what I would do in a situation like what I found myself in, I would have said I'd leave his ass and never look back. But I didn't. Quite the opposite.
Mary, I don't have anything to say except that I am sending you my love.
xxx
I'm so speechless. I cannot imagine having to put your heart on "hold" time after time. My husband had an affair we were able to overcome it in 5 weeks with Christian Counseling. Amazingly enough, there is no anger, bitterness, or resentment on my part. When the cards were laid out on the table, the playing field was even. I was partially responsible for the rift in our marriage. I relied heavily on the promises of God. I'm not preaching here...just being honest. Our marriage is 300% better than it has ever been. We both realized how much we really loved each other. We lost ourselves to find ourselves.
That ordeal was devasting to both of us. I cannot imagine dealing with SA. I say I'm not strong enough, but then again, who knows. You and Mark are strong people. How you've worked through this amazes me.
I admire you.
I can't wait to read your follow-ups to this. The questions have been great, and you have such eloquence in writing about it all. Thank you for your insight!
It is truly difficult to say what one will do when faced with any given situation. If we live by outer rules we can sometimes know close to certain, but living by inner guidance, a person can shock the hell out of themselves when listening to their own truth in making choices.
Sometimes I think that the focus on meetings can support the addict's selfishness and fear.
I really worry about that. Am I being selfish or safe? Am I supporting my recovery or my fear? I want to quit going to meetings sometimes, but I'm afraid of myself.
This was an extremely moving post and you are a remarkable woman. I am not sure I would have the strength or humility you show.
BTW thanx for not making me jump over to the second road to read your post. I am lazy and like to stay all cozy in one place.
What an amazing post and a fascinating discussion that ensued. I can't wait to read your response post.
Miss M, you are honest and courageous to share your deepest heart with us all. Perhaps this is a time..that there was only one set of footprints.
God is faithful to us as we are faithful to Him with all things.
Major Hugs..and prayers to manage what we don't always understand.
Mary. It was not that long ago, was it? We have a similar situation at the moment where my SA partner works late one night a week teaching at a community college. I put my son to bed, and kiss him when he gets home late. When he last acted out, that I know of this is the exact alibi he used (via omission) HE WAS AT WORK. Meanwhile using my car to go and visit an ex for sex. Judging by my recent snooping evidence this could be happening again, where he suggests dinner with one of them - this could accidentally occur when snowed under with work.... My tolerance is much lower than yours.
You are a strong woman! I admire you in this situation. I can't imagine the pain and heartache the entire events have brought into your life, and yet you still stay strong. You write with such power and give others hope.
Holy crap how did I miss this all week. A whole post by the great and powerful MPJ spawned my little ole me. I am truly the shit. Now to go read my post. It will probably be the best post youve ever done.
Wow - How did I go so long without ever seeing this post?
What you describe reads so like my husband's addiction, to alcohol. Wanting to be first on his list, him betraying your trust, the night you had cause to trust him most.
This was painful to read, but I kept nodding my head I get this I know this I understand.
Cat, that's one of the things that always amazes me: how similarly addiction plays out regardless of the substance or behavior involved. Every story is different, but every story is so much the same.
[...] in my husband’s most major relapse since starting recovery, it wasn’t the details of his acting out that hurt me (I wasn’t [...]