Image credit: Image by Howdy, I'm H. Michael Karshis on Flickr Licensed under Creative Commons

"Excuse" is a word that comes up a lot in conjunction with sex addiction. You don't have to look further than the comments on any news story on the subject to see the word come up. "Sex addiction just an excuse for bad behavior. Sex addicts are just making excuses for screwing around. It's just an excuse for guys (but not women, of course) who can't keep it in their pants." And it's a question that every partner of a sex addict has heard (or asked themselves) at some point: "Oh, come on. Isn't that just an excuse?"

I've also seen the word "excuse" coming up more and more often in conjunction with autism as well. People looking to stir controversy and create publicity for books and radio programs are calling autism an "excuse" for bratty behavior and weak parenting. So, it seems I could hurl "excuses" at plenty in my life. But just as I don't find the word "excuse" is useful when I apply it to myself, I don't feel it's any more useful to me to apply it to others.

I've found that when I say, "You're making excuses," what I really mean is, "You are trying to manipulate me into absolving you of blame and allowing you to avoid taking responsibility for you actions and facing the consequences." When viewing other people's actions as "making excuses," I get angry and frustrated that they are trying to get away with something at my expense or the expense of society. Yet I feel powerless to respond, because my response is tied to knowing their motivation. (After all, I would react one way if someone "truly" couldn't do something, but another if they refused to do something, right?) I feel unable (either due to my own standards of proof or the weakness of others who are duped by the "excuse") to require accountability or set boundaries or mete out consequences (or punishments). I throw my hands up in disgust and stew in impotent fury, raging at "excuses."

What I'm also saying when I say "you're making excuses," is "I think you could behave the way I want you to if you really tried." I'm making the assumption that there are no differences between human beings' abilities, and I'm saying I know better than you do how much energy, how many resources, how much money, how much pain, how much time and what abilities you have. And needless to say, I know better than you do what you should do with it all. (I mean, really, would my life be as obviously perfect and problem free as it is (ha!) if I weren't so much smarter than you are?)

So, I've started trying out "reasons" to describe other people's behavior instead. And I've found that when I see sex addiction as a reason for my husband's behavior or SPD as a reason for my son's meltdowns at birthday parties, I feel less angry, more willing to expect change and more able to take responsibility for my part in the relationship.

If I saw my husband's sex addiction as an "excuse," what would change? Not the past. Whether my husband's addiction is an "excuse" or a "reason," the past is what it is. Either way, he engaged in out-of-control sexual behavior that hurt himself and others (including me). But the future does change. If addiction is an "excuse," my husband can (and will) keep doing what he's doing. After all, now he is absolved from responsibility, right? He has a free pass to be a selfish jerk and all I can do is be angry about it. But if addiction is a reason, it is his responsibility to take actions to treat that condition and to accept the consequences of his actions. And it's my responsibility to take care of myself, to create boundaries and maintain boundaries based on this knowledge.

I've found that when I get angry at people for making "excuses," what I'm really upset about is my own lack of boundaries and my refusal to accept other people's differences and imperfections. Believing in the fairy tale of "excuses" not only keeps me from holding others accountable for their behavior, it allows me to absolve myself of responsibility for my own responses. So, no more excuses for me or anyone else. In my world, there are only reasons now.