how I came to be where I am around the current election,
and the third post about the candidates themselves.
Sarah Palin and I have very different moral, political and spiritual beliefs. We have had very different experiences as women and mothers. I'm sure there are folks who would say that all we have in common is our gender and the fact we each have a special needs child.
After all, before Palin had her son Trig, she was aware that he would be born with Down Syndrome. She kept up a demanding job as governor of the state of Alaska throughout her entire pregnancy and was back to work within days of her son's birth. Now he's four months old and she's running for the second highest office in the nation.
When my son Austen was born, I didn't yet know he was autistic. I didn't even know that he was different; I hadn't spent much time around infants, so I assumed that his high pitched wailing, inability to sleep and need to have his environment just so were typical of all babies and that I had simply been woefully unprepared for parenting. His crying induced a kind of wild panic in me, and the mere thought of leaving him to go back to my job reduced me to tears of sheer terror. I quit my job at the end of my maternity leave, and my husband Mark and I agreed that we'd just have to do whatever it took (which included rapidly decimating our finances and credit rating) to make it happen.
Forget about working, let alone running a vice presidential campaign, between Austen's needs and my undiagnosed post-partum depression, I didn't even leave the house for three months. (Yes, literally, three months.) I had a friend who was out hiking and camping with her one-week-old around this time, and I was completely baffled. I remember hating women like her who were able to get back up and running so fast. What were they doing right that I was doing wrong?
Still, while I secretly envied them their seeming strength, I was the one being applauded by a society that recognized my post-partum depression as brave decision making. People praised me for doing the right thing in forgoing money and career interests in order to say home with my son. And as they did it, they'd quietly tsk-tsk the moms who made the opposite choice, just as I've heard Sarah Palin tsk-tsked. As a friend said to me, "Palin went back to work when her son was just a few days old! If she makes those kinds of bad and irresponsible decisions about her son's wellbeing, what kinds of decisions would she make for the country?"
The problem was, that while I was lauded for my admirable decision to quit my paying job, now that it was my job to care for my son and home, and it rapidly became clear that I wasn't doing it right. All that babies are supposed to do in the beginning is sleep, eat and eliminate the digested remains of their meals, yet my son had a terrible time with two of the three of those. (Yes, he can pee and poop with the best of them, but eating and sleeping? Sigh!) And as time went on he wasn't doing some of the other things he was supposed to on time: things like waving and talking. I was told that I wasn't sleep training him properly, wasn't feeding him properly, wasn't talking to him enough and correctly. And a part of me believed it. It was my fault. I wasn't working hard enough.
I was criticized by many of the people who tore through our lives in those early years: doctors, therapists, teachers, other parents. They told me that -- while I'd certainly made the right choice to stay home -- I needed to work harder and sacrifice still more. I needed to learn educational law, occupational therapy, organizational skills, nutrition, speech therapy, and if I wasn't good at it or didn't enjoy it, I'd better try harder.
An advocate I tried to hire to help me navigate complex educational law and negotiations with the school district lambasted me for not being able to do (or even being interested in) the job I was going to hire her to do. "You have to learn to do this yourself! If you're not good at it, you'd better work to get good at it! Your son needs you to do this!" Then, when my son was having trouble in school last year, the school's solution wasn't to train the teachers properly or hire an aide; it was to have me come in and act as free support.
After all, if I really loved my son, wouldn't I do anything for him? Wouldn't I go to any lengths to give him what he needed? Shouldn't I? Moms are supposed to do anything for their children, and special needs moms? Why, we're supposed to be superstars. We're not supposed to have jobs or other priorities or needs of our own to balance. We're not supposed to admit that there's anything we can't or won't or don't want to do. We are supposed to live, eat and breathe our single minded dedication to our children.
And when I say moms, I do mean moms, not parents. Because you see, Sarah Palin is supposed to do all that too. Yet, other than gender (and that's a big other!), she has more in common with my husband than she does with me; she makes a good salary working long hours in a high demands career, and she has a spouse who, while not a stay-at-home parent, has taken several months off of work and cut back on his own career as the demands of hers have increased. Her son Trig (like my son) has parental care equal to other working families and his family (even more than ours) has financial resources that allow access to quality medical care and therapy.
In his seven years of parenting, Mark has gotten a series of cheerful "good jobs" for doing his satisfactory and expected job as Daddy. No one said Mark should quit his job or even cut back on his hours at work to help at care for Austen. No one criticized him for going back to work exhausted and sleep deprived days after our son's birth. No one said Austen was suffering because Daddy was working long hours and traveling frequently. No one said Daddy should have done a better job with the sleep training or feeding. No one suggested Daddy learn educational law or teach himself to be an occupational therapist when he made a good enough living to pay an expert to help. No one expected Daddy to leave his other responsibilities to come act as a free aide at school. And no one suggested he didn't really care about his son if he didn't do all this.
I love my son. I'd give my life for him. But he is not -- and I think shouldn't be -- my entire life. And I always feel a pang of guilt for that. I feel guilty for having no interest or aptitude at educational law. I feel guilty for not having any interest in or energy for spending each waking minute of my day on his development and improvement. I feel guilty for wanting to (and enjoying doing) work on things that have nothing to do with him.
So now when I hear these whispers around Sarah Palin about what she "should" be doing for her children, especially her special needs child, I get angry. I get throw-a-flaming-dagger-into-the-heart-of-the-next-person-who-brings-it-up angry. Sarah Palin and I share more than "just" our gender and a special needs child. We share the ways in which we are perceived by society. We share the burden of that special needs supermom myth. We share the weight of society's expectation that we should express our love for, and dedication to, our children in a particular way and that it's our job to do it all, not Daddy's.
Whatever you think of her politics or her qualifications, Sarah Palin has become a mirror for ourselves. She's a Rorschach test for the American psyche. And when I tease apart the personal from the political, what I see in that ink blot is another special needs mom who, however different from me, still can't manage to do anything right enough for anyone.
I remember my sons school calling me in and having to meet with a roundtable of his teachers each week - some weeks I would be in tears as I sat and listened to the teachers tell me - " we are not going to treat your child differently..." even though the no child left behind act stated that they must - it was a bitter battle of wills and learning to advocate for him became my job for 2 solid years - I believe that all of us can only do the best we can do - regardless if we are working or staying home - when I compare myself to others I always feel sorely dissappointed - so I finally just stopped comparing.
Oh a coworker already threw me this question..."Don't you think Sara Palin needs to stay home with her son who has Down Syndrome?"
And I work. So does she think the same of me, that I am not a good mother because I work??
I grew up in a poor family. There were times because of my Mom's husbands that we were in dire straits. We had to get on food stamps, we had little clothes and we lived in a shack. But nobody judged my Mom for not working.
I work. I have never gotten any type of welfare. There are therapies I can not get help with because we are a 2 income family. Yet I can show BOTH of my kids that I am doing is best for our family and my own sanity.
I feel as if every family does what is best for them, and this is the response I gave my coworker.
You know I almost saw exclamation points where there weren’t any after some of those sentences.
I can understand your point regarding all these gender specific roles we christen one another with upon birth. I feel a lot has to do with our upbringing. In most cases education and employment make little difference.
The only thing I can think of to break male/ female stereotypes is geographical change. Middle East, No. England or Western Europe, Yes.
Now can you PLEASE go get me a cold beer and make me something to eat? There, your role is now perfectly defined, by me.
Ps, The Mrs. would KILL me if she read what I just wrote. SHE wears the pants in this household.
No matter what moms do, no matter how hard they work to socialize and civilize little primitive heathens into persons that will add to the fabric of society, the Parenting Police will come along and tell you you are doing it Wrong. It truly does not matter what you do, because if you are devoted to your kids, you must be ignoring your husband. If you let your kids watch SpongeBob so you can check your email, you are a slacker letting your TV babysit your kids. If you spend all of your time playing with your kids and loving your husband, then the house goes to hell and you are a slob. WTF.
We all do our best with the resources we have. I just think that as long as our kids know they are loved unconditionally & their parents do what they can to act like parents instead of their child's best friend, then everything else is gravy.
You are spot on in this post. I don't think Palin's mothering is what disqualifies her for the position. I don't even think that is up for discussion. She's just an uninformed, talking-points spewing idiot, and THAT is what disqualifies her for office.
P.S. The subtext in the Can Palin Be a Mom and a VP? discussion, is a backhand smack to Todd Palin, first dude. In saying that she should be home, the underlying comment is that her husband is inadequate at being the stay-at-home parent. I actually think the dismissal of his role bothers me even more.
All candidates are mirrors of ourselves. All candidates are the candidates we deserve. They are the parts of ourselves we despise, fear, doubt, cherish, distrust and rarely, like. We get to choose which aspect of ourselves to keep company with. As Palin has been unleashed, there seems far less criticism of her mothering than her fathering, from a governmental point of view.
oh, so yet another role for her to fill...
I too have that in common...never being right enough as a mom; from when I chose to stay home, to when I chose to leave my husband, I was never right enough. But I really didn't care what people thought, other than my boys.
I'm not convinced though, that Sarah's 'struggles' as a mom make her even remotely qualified to run the country...
I hate when I hear what you had to go through during your son's early years (and probably, on some level, still today) because having a special needs child is hard enough, without being blamed or informed that you are not doing enough. I went through very similar experiences with my oldest. I felt like all these "professionals" who do not live in my home or REALLY know what I was going through, had no right to act as if they had all the answers or if I wasn't doing it right. For the records, the "professionals" all had advice that contradicted each other and added to my guilt and feelings of failure. Luckily, once she started Kindergarten, they matched her personality/difficulties with the right teaching style.
Having said all that, the Sarah Palin debate about motherhood/pregnant teen/special needs baby is a difficult one. I do not agree with her politics (or Mc Cain) but on a personal level, mother to mother, I do understand the need for respect and what she ultimately believes is right for her and her family. Her husband has an equal responsibility in this. If it was a man running, with the same issues, it wouldn't be an issue.
Great, thought provoking post!
Your last comment really made me stop and think. Very well said.
I'm so irritated that I have to defend someone I don't like. I can't stand Palin but I agree with you that people should stop judging her parenting.
My son is 5 1/2 and not completely potty trained. Everyone seems to ask what I'm doing about it, what I've tried, what have I done, but only 2 friends have ever said anything about what my husband does to deal with this.
I work until 2. I let some people believe that I go a get my son immediately. But several days a week I come home and take a nap first. I feel like this should be a secret. That I should be working harder. And don't get me started on the speech therapy and all that I'm supposed to be doing there.
But the potty training is its own special hell. Sigh. I end up in tears over it every week...
I'm with you, MPJ. Totally.
Oh, marta, honey! Let's talk toilet training! I was just thinking I ought to do a post on that. Maybe next week.
Wow, I can't even begin to imagine what it has been like for you. I'm sure this post just gives a glimmer of it all. How old is your son? I had thought that those age old attitudes were changing. Maybe not.
I think that you said it so well - we moms are expected to be supermoms and do it all - oh yes, and do it all well. Those who stay home and those who work - we all have our issues and we have the parent police out to tell us what we are doing wrong. Whether our kids are special needs or not - again... the parent police are out there telling us what we are doing wrong... can't they ever say we are doing something right?
No one (the main stream media) ever said anything about Kennedy or Carter or Clinton being good or not so good fathers while they were in the White House. They traveled. They missed things at school. Heck Clinton was fooling around in the oval office and they didn't even mention the harm his antics did to Chelsea. The men certainly aren't the ones who take it on the parental chin - the moms do.
You know, I don't like Sarah Palin as a candidate, not one wit. She irritates me nine ways from Sunday. I'm baffled by McCain's pick, I'm pissed off at the Republicans in general, and I'm bone-tired weary of corruption and hypocrisy (addicts in my sphere don't help). Yet it never once occurred to me to think that she was being a bad mother to her son because she was choosing a political career. I did, however, question her staunch commitment to abstinence education in light of the fact that it didn't seem to work out so well for her own daughter.
I have a "special needs" child who is now one year from being on his own. I never did learn how to adequately identify his needs or navigate the pinball system of educators and mental health professionals before it was too late. The system beat us the hell up, and it shows. I was a single mother, and it was much much easier to dismiss me. I needed to give up my job, my education, in order to devote all my energies to fighting the labyrinth nightmare. But I couldn't. There was no financial way. I had to make a choice between mere survival, and having the time to do right by my suffering child. There is a rage in me now. I don't know how to forgive all those people.
Speaking of gender stereotypes, that was brought front and center when Joe Biden broke down during the debates saying, "don't tell me I don't know what it's like". Thank you Joe.
I feel like I'm not saying what I'm trying to say. That is, that I feel what you are saying here, and I agree wholeheartedly, and what's more, it resonates with me...deeply.
"I love my son. I'd give my life for him. But he is not -- and I think shouldn't be -- my entire life. And I always feel a pang of guilt for that."
I agree completely, our children should not be our entire life. Oddly enough, I don't feel any guilt for not thinking my child should be my entire life. I've been wondering if I'm even capable of feeling guilt...because I haven't felt any guilt about anything in my brief time as a mother. I guess there's still lots of time!!
Sarah Palin helped bring this on herself when she proclaimed that her status as a "special needs parent" is a reason to vote for her. How many men would do this?
Love your perspective on this. I too had the same feelings after my son was born. Postpartem Depression was HELL. Feeling inadequete was just as horrific. It's a hard decision to make, and regardless of what you decide, there will always be people who fault you. I had to go back to work for financial reasons and was told by a Friend (Ha ha) that she would live out of a car before putting her kid in daycare. Those words have stuck with me for years.
Wow, this is a fantastic post. There are so many guilt-trips that society puts on women and it's so hard to not let them get to you. Kudos to you for acknowledging that you are not, cannot, and should not be your child's end-all, be-all. Whether you stay home or work or find some combination of the two, people always seem to judge.
Although I think I should point out that Todd Palin isn't a stay-at-home parent, he works too.
bekapaige, drat! Am I passing on misinformation? I remember reading that Todd Palin quit his job. Now I'll have to go check.
Ah, I have double checked! Todd Palin took a leave of absence from his job for seven months and then went back to work, but cut back his responsibilities by taking a less senior job. I'll correct the reference in my post.
i loved loved loved this post. you're right on the money.
You always make me think differently. I hadn't been able to think much more about Palin that "bleurgh!" and you opened up my mind today. Thank you.
I don't think that Palin's parenting skills have anything to do with her political aspirations. As you pointed out, she has a lot of resources and if she chooses to take on a difficult job, then it is her decision.
Thus, I couldn't understand the flack about her leaving her family to campaign. I have other issues with her political stance but not the issue of her family. That's her business.
I see intelligent educated women in my job and admire their courage and tenacity to juggle a job and their home life. Yet, I think women aren't appreciated for the fact that they are able to do that. Not many men would be able to handle the load of a demanding job and parenting children without complaining. I also see some condescension by management about their having to take time off from work to have a child and then the maternity leave. That attitude is one that makes me angry.
I'm out of my league here a bit because we don't have any children and have been able to have demanding jobs without child rearing to consider. But for anyone to question whether it can be done, well, it just seems like meanness.