Today's guest post comes from Tanya Savko. Those of you who are regulars here will recognize her as an active reader and commenter at a Room of Mama's Own, and may also know her through her own wonderful blog: Teen Autism. When I read this post, I found myself thinking, "I've so been there!" and I know almost all of you (even the non-parents!) will relate to Tanya's journey to find her keep...
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| Photo copyright Tanya Savko |
Remember what was said when we were kids and a friend gave us something? “You can have it for keeps.” And it meant that we didn’t have to give it back. “Keep” is a word with many different meanings. We hear various phrases: “Keep up the good work!” or “Keep in touch!” or “Earn your keep!” and “Finders keepers!” It means “to maintain possession of,” “to continue, perform, observe, fulfill,” “to preserve and care for,” “board and lodging,” “to hold,” and “to endure.”
But a keep is also the stronghold of a castle, a fortress. The keep is the most resilient part. It’s what holds everything together during an attack. And in each of us, it’s what helps us to endure the rough patches of our lives. Whether we have special needs children or are recovering from an addiction or have lost a loved one, we need to find our inner keep to see us through. For many, it’s God, for others, it’s their health, their goals, their home, or their family. It can be all of the above, or something entirely different.
As the single parent of two sons, one with autism, I discovered my inner keep a few years ago. It is my energy. I’m not really referring to physical energy, although that certainly helps. I’m talking about mental energy, emotional energy, and spiritual energy. I learned that if I didn’t nourish my mind, my heart, and my spirit as well as my body, there would be no way that I could nourish my children. I learned this because I used to have co-workers and acquaintances say to me, “You’re so strong.” And I knew that they meant well, of course, but little did they know that those words – meant to encourage – would only succeed in making me want to break down and cry. I was going through the motions, doing what I had to do to get through my stressful life. “Strong” was the last thing I felt like. I felt like a piece of burned paper that would crumble to ashes at the slightest touch. I felt entirely the opposite of how I appeared to be. A hug from a friend would make me fall apart. I hadn’t found my keep. I didn’t know I needed to.
Slowly it became clear to me what I needed to feel stronger, to make the façade a reality. I started by taking care of my physical self – getting more sleep as the boys got older, eating healthier food and taking vitamins, and doing a little yoga at home. Soon, not only did my body feel better, my spirit did, too. The yoga helped to quiet my mind, which led to trying different types of meditation. The meditation led to the realization that I had isolated myself and needed to correct that in order to nourish my emotional energy. It was a wonderful domino effect. And all of it combined to help me feel whole – and stronger. Now when people tell me that I’m strong, I don’t feel like crying. My life certainly still feels stressful on any given day, but I don’t feel like I’m barely hanging on.
No matter what you’re going through, I encourage you to find your keep. Find what strengthens you and nourish it, whether it’s your faith, your family, or your frame of mind. Whatever it is, it’s for keeps.
"~little did they know that those words – meant to encourage – would only succeed in making me want to break down and cry"
I can completely relate to this in my own life. I love this post, and it was just what I needed today to start what is to be an extraordinarily stressful week... I needed the reminder to find my own "keep".
Thank you for this post, Tanya!
Very good advice- we learned a long time ago that if Mom's functioning well, then life is considerably better for everyone in the family, and when I'm not, no one else is either. It is decidedly not selfish to make sure that you're nourishing yourself in every way that you can.
I really don't like the "you're so strong" comments. I've got 13 year old triplets who were all diagnosed with autism, and then one of them got cancer so I've heard it all their lives. I find that it creates a distance between me and the people who are saying it- almost as if my kids have autism because "I could handle it". That's crap- people are faced with challenges every day, and I "handle it" because they're my kids, and I love them, and they're wonderful and interesting people to spend my life with (most of the time!) Of course it's not always easy, but I know a lot of parents with single neurotypical children who face the same feelings and emotions that I do on a daily basis. I think that the "you're so strong" serves to create a difference in my life from theirs, and while I have no doubt that the comments are meant to be supportive, the fact is that I'm just a mom like everyone else, and anyone can be faced at any time with the challenges that our family faces- we didn't get this way because
"I'm strong"
Great writing- I look forward to reading your blog.
All good thoughts about taking care of ourselves. I guess Al-Anon is a Keep for me. And my sail boat is another Keep. Great post.
[...] did my first-ever guest post today! Please join me over at A Room of Mama’s Own while Mary is on blog vacation. [...]
thank you Tanya....I feel as though I have been invited to an intimate gathering of beautiful, soulful women this week and I will have an opportunity to make new friends..... Your post is beautiful.
Wow Tanya, this is a powerful piece--I'll be back to read it again. I adore words and their many precise meanings--you've given me "keep" today and I can't wait to use it, internalize it.
Yoga changed my life. Once I learned the breathing and the centering, I could rely on it anywhere in a multitude of situations. I'm teaching it to my 7 year old to combat anxiety caused by different meds she has to take.
Being told "you are strong" never made me feel stronger; it just reminded me that I "had" to be strong and there have been so many times when I wished I didn't have to be so darn strong, when I wished I could be weak and let someone else be "the strong one".
Thank you for sharing, Tanya! I sometimes feel like I'm being a "fraud"- pretending to be strong and having things under control when I really just want to give up. I look forward to finding and nourishing my "keep" so that I can actually feel stronger, instead of pretending. Thanks again for the wonderful words of encouragement.
Everyone - thanks for reading, and for your supportive comments. You guys are great!
And if you get to the tough spot and you haven't been maintaining your keep, it's usually too late. This is what I'm learning, that I must stay in tune spiritually in recovery, every day, before I feel desperate and lost. Thanks for your post.
What a wonderful analogy that speaks to all of us as mothers/parents. It was such a powerful message and I love the way it was delivered. A powerful reminder and a message that resonates deeply within me.
Yes! That's what wrong with me lately; I've left my keep to crumble. Thanks for the reminder and the awesome post!