 |
| Image credit: Photo by kandyjaxx on Flickr Licensed under Creative Commons |
When my son Austen was two, my husband disclosed his addiction and spent a morning on the phone desperately looking for a marriage therapist willing to see us on a weekend. But once we had that appointment, having no family nearby, we had to spend another crazed interval looking for someone who could watch Austen while we went out. And I still remember how I, unable to bear speaking to anyone, I covered my puffy, red eyes in sunglasses and waved from the car, like a devastated celebrity, while Mark dropped Austen off with some friends of ours.
There's nothing like having your marriage almost fall apart to scare you into spending time working on it (and nothing like falling apart yourself to scare you into working on yourself). And thus began our own need for regular, reliable childcare. But where to find the right person? We've tried a number of methods, as have other friends with special needs children, and (without giving away any anonymity blowing details) here are some things that have either worked for us or for others:
- Post "sitter wanted" notices at local colleges, universities or training schools. Look for places that offer programs in child development, nursing, occupational therapy, speech therapy, psychology, etc. Students in these programs will be most likely to be interested in (and most likely to be skillful at) caring for children with special needs.
- Ask friends with special needs children if they know a good sitter.
- Ask your child's teacher or school for leads.
- Use a private nanny or sitter agency. Private agencies can sometimes help find caregivers for children with special needs. There are even some agencies who specialize in finding help for special needs children. Be sure to let the agency know what your child's needs are so they can help find the best match.
- Check for respite services available in your state.
The advantage of using an agency or service is that most will do some type of pre-screening in the form of: an interview, a background check, a reference check or some combination of all of these. (When hiring my sitters I make sure to do all of these, either myself or in combination with an agency.) The disadvantage of private agencies is the higher cost of their services, while the disadvantage of state or local agencies is that you may not have the same individualized choices available with your own search or a private agency.
In addition, some states subsidize respite care services for individuals with disabilities, so getting out may not be as expensive as you think. I was not able to find a nice, easy nationwide "who to contact" database, but a state Department of Health and Human Services or Social Services or a state agency dealing with disability services is a good place to start.
In the six years since that day when we dropped Austen off with friends for an hour to rush out to the emergency therapy session that started us on the road to saving our marriage and sanity, we have made an effort to go out kid-free (for therapy, meetings, religious/spiritual services or just date nights) once a week. So, we've had ample opportunity to try many of the methods above for finding sitters. We have had a number of wonderful sitters, who were with us for years and whom we've been deeply sorry to lose when they had to move on, and we've had some truly awful ones who didn't make it past the first visit. And we've found a method for finding sitters that works for our individual family. So, in spite of the fact that we lost a sitter recently, I do know that we have a very good process for replacing her.
Next up... Training a babysitter to watch a special needs child...
You know you and I could yack about this one topic for many a long day. [I think I probably mean 'chat' as I think 'yack' means something entirely different over here
]
The worst bit is having the respite worker over [pre-screened of course] for their three hour minimum where you 'train' them for an hour and a half and then dash out of the house for 20 minutes to twiddle your thumbs or buy some milk] and then return to find the sitter at the table cutting coupons and talking on the telephone and every child plugged into 'illegal' electronics. Why would I pay someone to do this please?
Come on over and yack at my place.......
Cheers
I hope that you find a good sitter for him. We don't have children but it is challenging finding someone to watch 3 cats and 10 dogs!
Those are some great suggestions, especially the first one on the list. I wish I had thought of that back in the day!
Over the years, I have been lucky to have had some very good sitters. And many of them were young teenagers (15 or so). I have a theory that if you are someone who gets disability, you just get it.
I always keep in mind that I can't put the standards of my therapists or professional childcare services on a babysitter.... they aren't there to do therapy or to do provide a curriculum, etc. They are there to make sure the kids don't get hurt, the house doesn't burn down, and that we will all enjoy their stay enough (me, the kids, the babysitter) that they will hopefully return. Of course, making sure they understand the unique needs of the child is an added component of this relationship.
Another good place to troll for sitters.... if you have a daycare or other child care setting you use for full/part time day care, many of those employees moonlight by babysitting.
The best sitter we found for Movie Boy was one of Ben Ten's preschool teaching assistants. He was going through a program for early education and had an empathy for children that allowed him to appreciate Movie Boy's quirks.
I've been thinking heavely about my babysitting sitting situation. Yesterday I was planning to just take the kids to therapy and hope they would fall asleep on the car ride over. But those suggestions are great.
I don't have a special needs child, but I do have major trust issues. We have ONE babysitter and when she is unavailable, we leave the boys with their grandparents. If neither possibility is an option, then we don't go out.
You're much braver than me AND much more resourceful. I'll keep your tips in mind for friends' with special needs kids who are looking for a sitter.
I am with Sophie--I have major trust issues that haven't even remotely been close to solved. In the 7 years since Boo was born (almost 8!?!) we've only used relatives for babysitting care and once they spent the night at a trusted friend's house (we'd known them for three years at that point). Scary, isn't it?
I don't have a lot of those resources open to me as we homeschool, have no regular daycare, and have no identifiable special needs. But! This has got me thinking. Thanks Mary!
I hope you can find a reliable sitter for Austen. I know it's hard to find a sitter that know how to take care of children with special care. And I'm glad to know that you and your husband still finds the time to go to therapies to save your marriage. I know that this is a very difficult and stressful stage in your lives.
A friend of mine with a SN child is wearing me down. She regularly calls the very night that she needs a sitter, breathlessly announces that she REALLY REALLY needs a babysitter BAD, (never mind that I have four children of my own,) drops her two off for several hours, and never, ever offers to reciprocate.
Or pay. Hell, I have to pay my teenaged sitter forty bucks to keep my kids for three hours; babysitting ain't free.
I know she feels she's gotten the short end of the stick with a special-needs child, and I know I'll probably never REALLY understand what that's like. But would it kill her to offer to watch my kids in return for free sitting? I could use a night out, too.
Finally I quit taking her requests. This has cooled the friendship considerably... but. I can't just be her free sitter-on-call without incurring major resentment. Not indefinitely.
Sucks to lose a friend like that. I'm sure she'll latch onto someone else eventually, though. Blah.