At some point in the last year, a friend's Facebook status referred to something called "Jon and Kate Plus 8." Disconnected as I am from pop culture, I had to google the term to figure out what she was talking about. (And then I had to google "Bradley Whitford and Jane Kaczmarek" when another friend bemoaned their breakup. Yes, I admit it. I never watched Malcolm in the Middle. See, Google taught me well.) It turns out (so that those even more clueless than I am don't have to google it -- I'm nice and caretaking like that) that Jon and Kate Plus 8 is a reality TV show about a couple and their (gulp!) eight children. (All born at the same time? Some large subset born at the same time? I gathered something like that but didn't delve that far.)
I don't watch Jon and Kate Plus 8 for two reasons (and one of those reasons is not that I'm so above reality TV trash, because back when I used to work in an office, I totally won the office Survivor pool):
Reason 1: Well, obviously, I never heard of the show until recently, but now that I have, I'm too busy blogging about not watching it to spring for fancy channels I can't watch because they cut into my blogging time. And don't tell me the episodes may be available online. Do you want me to finish this post or go googling for answers?
Reason 2: I don't watch shows involving parenting because they piss me off. The last time I watched a parenting related show was when Supernanny was "helping" the parents of an autistic child by berating them and making them cry. Supernanny traumatized me through the screen and triggered my own perfectionism and fears of judgment so much that I wanted to punch her in the nose. I decided I should go pray and meditate until I was so spiritual and confident and accepting of my own imperfections as a parent and well, generally fixed that the thought of Supernanny didn't make me want sneak tacks into her bed. Years later, I'm not there yet. Supernanny is on my resentment list. High up. In all caps. Bold. Italics. Right next to my high school history teacher.
Still, in spite of the fact that I don't watch it and know next to nothing about it, there is something about Jon and Kate Plus 8 that interests me, and it's not my opinion on the show or any of the drama surrounding it. (Opinions? Of course I have opinions, in spite of knowing nothing more than what I've gleaned from my friends' gossip and a google search. There are kids, there's parenting, there's potential infidelity involved. I'm all about opinions on that.) But what interests me is my inability to talk to anyone about it.
You see, if I were to end this post about here and put it out into the wide world even beyond this blog — say, on the New York Times blog Motherlode (um, no that couple is not me) or Salon or anyplace else — I predict that 100% of the commenters (or somewhere close to 100%) would pick a side and tell me why I was right or wrong not to have watched it. (Come on, you thought about it yourself. Admit it. I know I would.)
Included in those comments there would be — spoken or unspoken — judgments about me (good and worthy person for not watching trash TV vs. bad and ignorant person for writing about shows I know nothing about), judgments about Jon and Kate (evil greedy money mongers selling out their family vs. nice folks just trying to give their kids a future in an imperfect way; along with some: they deserve what they get for choosing to be on TV vs. no one deserves to be treated that way regardless of choices), judgments about the other commenters (worthless people who watch inexcusably trashy TV vs. snobby, awful people who don't get why the show is interesting and worthwhile). And implicit in many of those judgments will be the assumption that there is a right way to do, be, look at everything (and my way is the right way, of course).
Six years in to working on my communication skills and my own unhealthy habit toward things like judgment and perfectionism, I find I'm at a loss for how to engage with others on this topic (among others). Because I recognize that getting into what I think about Jon and Kate or the show or their kids or reality TV or TV at all isn't really relevant. The whole thing about Jon and Kate isn't really about Jon and Kate.
In fact, you may have noticed that I already told you (a bit) what it's actually about when I said why I don't watch the show. It's about my own parenting fears and fallibilities. It's about my anxiety around how people judge my life even though it's not on TV and how many more would judge it if it were. It's about the judgments I make about other families and children without knowing or understanding them. It's about the fear and frustration that comes from my inability to control people around me whose actions and decisions and craziness impact my life. For someone else, it may be something different, but that's what it's about for me.
But start a conversation about all that? A conversation where there aren't right answers only our own individual truths? Yikes! I'd be vulnerable and that would be scary. And I'd probably get triggered and annoyed and frustrated. It's easier to argue about what I think about Jon and Kate. Only I haven't watched the show. That's ok, maybe the episodes are online. Then when I tell you what my opinions are, they'll seem more credible and you'll see how totally right I am about them.
I haven't watched the show either and it is one of those things I can honestly say I just don't care about them.
and that nanny show - I used to watch that years ago - now there is litte TV in my present and that makes me a happy person!
I try not to get all wrapped up in commenting on celebrity dramas, but what's really funny about all this Jon and Kate stuff is that, when I first started my blog, I wrote this long post about how I was going through a short stint of watching that show and how Jon and Kate's marriage is what I hoped mine would eventually be like, once my husband and I were all healthy and recovering. HA! I'd like to think that now, I'd be able to detect all the all the subtle unhealthy undertones that I couldn't when I first entered recovery, but I'm probably kidding myself. It's so hard for outsiders to see past that "perfect couple" image so many of us present to the world.
I am right there with you. I refuse to discuss it on my blog because I know mad controversy will ensue and I may get my bloggy privileges taken away! (smile)
My daughter started watching that show because "she likes watching little kids scream," and then I started watching it with her. My opinion (which I realize you didn't ask for) is that, as trashy reality TV shows go, it could be way worse. Also, Jon and Kate are annoying enough that they provide a safe outlet for my own judgmentality, but they're never so awful that I think their children would be better off without them. Lately I've been scarfing up the tabloid news about them (Jon seen with another woman! Kate caught on camera whacking daughter!) and sort of enjoying the sordidness. In a totally nonjudgmental way, of course.
Really liked this post. When I watch the show, it makes me feel good because I compare my self to Kate and think I'm better, I make better choices, at least things here are not that bad ... blah blah blah. Ask my neighbors who have to see me chase down my naked kid almost daily. Ask the strangers who see me frantically searching the streets for this monkey who's hopped on a big wheel and taken himself for an adventure. On my blog I often write about my shortcomings, the ways in which I suck at this mothering job and people write nice supportive comments - it's so hard, don't beat yourself up so much. It's like if I confess, it's ok. Well, maybe I should just work harder at being a better mom. Right after I get the house clean and catch up on sleep.
For what it's worth, I've never seen a single episode of the show either, and only just HEARD of it a few months ago (I don't own a t.v. by choice but do watch a few things that I *gasp!* download fom time to time).
I think that the whole show embodies what's wrong with our society - everyone is so busy judging others that they don't have time to look at their own lives. But, it's as you said - we're all living our own individual truths.
Great post, btw.
Hi MPJ,
Looking in at anyone from the outside has its risks.
Who really knows what goes on behind peoples' closed doors?
Who knows what their family of origins issues are?
Who knows how anyone's past relationships have shaped their current ones?
I've never seen the Super Nanny show. I've heard of it, and that's enough for me. I have a feeling it would make me feel like you felt.
I think parents are judged way too harshly. For that reason, I've learned to avoid parenting message boards. I did find myself on a parenting blog/article today where a mother confessed to recovering from a psychological problem. She's fine today...recovered and a therapist herself. Her kids are doing well. But people posted awful comments--totally berating her. It's sad. What do people feel they'll accomplish when they do stuff like that?
My theory about parents criticizing other parents is this....KARMA. If someone complains about someone else's parenting or children, they'll soon be faced with the same issues.
I love this post! I just learned about Jon and Kate tonight, having never heard of them or their (omg) 8 kids (having none myself and never wanting any, 8 is unfathomable to me), but I love this post all the same.
I'm so glad you said that about Supernanny. I've been encouraged by her, but mostly she makes me feel like a horrible parent. I'm so glad I don't have a TV anymore!
I once wrote about watching someone die after being dredged out of a lake on the 4th of July, and how the people around me, the News, and my own self judged and qualified this anonymous person's life just to make ourselves feel better about this tragic death happening right before our eyes. It really opened my eyes to how ready we all are to sit in the judgment seat (it's not just me, it really is the flow of the culture!) because if we can be busy enough minding other people's business maybe no one will notice and judge us! You can't catch meee!
Never watched the show, but I've read about the couple on line at the grocery store. Tabloid covers are screaming about their alleged extra-marital affairs, so I figured you'd be writing a little something that linked to your other blog, the Second Road.
Now I bet I've got your Google finger itching, don't I?
I don't watch much TV, except for news and weather. So I've never heard of the show. I would rather do other things than vegetate in front of the TV. Reading is my main past time pleasure.
Ach, you're so brilliant. And you cracked me up with this line: Do you want me to finish this post or go googling for answers?
I'm in complete agreement with Tigermom. (Well said, TigerMom!) The viewers see people in these situations through their own pair of Life-colored glasses. Unfortunately, the family involved has a different set of glasses through which they see and react to their own Life. An accurate sociological interpretation based on snips of arranged sets and edited conversations is impossible.
I don't watch reality shows. The only one I ever watched was Trading Space about 5 or 6 years ago. We were getting ready to buy our first home and Paige and the gang were very helpful. =) My own reality is more than enough for me to handle. I prefer news, Keith Olbermann, The Daily Show, and fantastical shows like Heroes, Caprica, and The Ghost Whisperer. Yes, I watch GW - it's my guilty pleasure. Don't judge me.