Image credit: Photo by Viqi French Licensed under Creative Commons

My 12 Step group had some difficulty recently around a reading that listed some of the behaviors partners of sex addicts might have in common.  Many of the women in the group found it triggering, because they felt the list of characteristics implied there was something wrong with them, that they were "sick" for reacting to an insane situation in a way they felt was normal and understandable, or that they were being told they must have reacted in some way that they hadn't simply because they were part of Club Partner-of-a-Sex-Addict. I knew that feeling. I had had it myself around the reading The S-Anon Problem. Many of us, myself included, worried that if the reading triggered this same feeling in so many of us, it could be off-putting to newcomers, the very people we wanted to reach out to most.

So, we discussed the reading in our business meetings. Those of us who felt triggered by the reading discussed the problem with those of us who didn't. People sought feedback from sponsors, therapists and other mentors. We talked as a group about taking what we needed, and what applied, and leaving the rest. And then one night, after a discussion, we read the offending piece aloud in our meeting. "Being numb to my own sexual needs and wants," read the secretary, and one woman tentatively half raised her hand, followed by several others.

"Making excuses not to be sexual." A different set of hands shot up.

"Feeling sex is the only way to be intimate." More hands went up, while others went down.

Sometimes I joined in and raised my hand (and at least once shot it straight up with heartfelt recognition). Sometimes items didn't apply and I kept it down. No one raised her hand for every item, but every woman raised her hand at least once, and most of us more. And no one raised her hand alone.

It was a powerful moment. Suddenly this reading wasn't about us being sick fuck-ups anymore. It was about us having things in common. And in raising our hands when we identified with each item, we could see we weren't alone.