This post includes some spoilers.

It's been a long time since I nerdily reviewed a movie, but my husband and I went to see New Moon this weekend, and I just couldn't resist writing a post about it.  The movie is a vampire love story.  No, actually it's a vampire, werewolf, human love triangle.  Bella (a human teenage girl) is the object of affection of both Edward (the 109-year-old teenage-looking vampire) and Jacob (the teenage werewolf).  It's also a stunning portrait of codependent craziness...

Picture Mark and me, cuddled up in a dark theater, surrounded by shrieking teenage girls.  On screen, shimmers the image of Bella talking about how she can't be happy without Edward.  Mark leans over to me and whispers, "She's such an incredible codie!"  And I whisper back, "Totally."

Of course, as I was contemplating writing this post, I thought, "Is it going too far to call Bella codependent?  Maybe she's just a typical teenager."  And then I realized that I thought she was a typical teenager because she was just. like. me.  And I'm, um, codependent.  In fact, I realized that she's so much like me that if you substitute "pasty white addict" for "pasty white vampire" and "hot ethnic addict" for "hot ethnic werewolf," the movie is so startlingly close to a retelling of my own teen years that I had a fleeting thought that I should investigate whether or not the author knows me in real life and then sue her for stealing my story.  Only I eventually broke up with the vampire, because, seriously, have you seen the werewolf with his shirt off?

For your entertainment and enlightenment, I thought I'd list some of the codependent behaviors and characteristics that Bella (aka Teenage Me) exhibits:

• Attracted to men who are unavailable or unstable.  (One could argue that Jacob seems available and stable at first, but note that Bella isn't attracted to him when he is.  It's not until he seems to be abandoning her, she chases after him and even asks him to run away with her.  This is the part I'm certain Stephenie Meyer stole from my life.)
• Attracted to men with big, dangerous secrets.  (Come on, a werewolf and a vampire?  How much more stand in for an addict can you get?)
• Addicted to romantic partners.  (She almost kills herself several times to achieve the "rush" she needs simply to see a dream version of Edward.)
• Terrified of abandonment.
• Embarrassed to receive gifts.
• Unfulfilled, depressed and empty without external validation.  (At one point she says that she is ok emotionally as long as she is not alone.)
• Feels responsible for fixing other people's problems and taking care of other people's feelings.  (She tells Jacob she'll run away with him to make him feel better, then flies to another country to keep prevent Edward from killing himself and more importantly, to keep him from, "feeling guilty.")

Ah, memories!  I can't tell you how relieved I am to have those days behind me, to have found recovery, and to be married to a werewolf, I mean, sex addict who has found recovery too.