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| Image credit: Photo by Te55 on Flickr Licensed under Creative Commons |
One thing most addicts have in common is a history of childhood abuse or neglect. According to research by sex addiction expert Patrick Carnes, 81% of sex addicts were sexually abused as children and 97% were physically and/or emotionally abused or neglected. But quote those statistics to some (especially those of us who have been badly hurt by addicts) and you'll hear, "Big deal. I had a rough childhood too, but I didn't get so drunk I missed my job interview or spend my child's first birthday with a prostitute or shot up in a rest stop bathroom instead of picking my spouse up at the airport." Why do our experiences shape us all so differently?
It seems the answer is in our genes. A recent article in The Atlantic explains that research shows some people are born with genes that make them resilient and capable of thriving no matter what the conditions: like human dandelions. Others (addicts or those prone to depression) are born with genes that cause them to wilt without nurturing care: like delicate human orchids, perishing in the same conditions in which dandelions survive.
With a family history of both addiction and depression, I know that my children have a good chance of carrying genes that will make them susceptible to addiction and mental illness. And it is one of my greatest fears and challenges as a parent: trying to equip these potential little orchids with the tools to allow them to survive and thrive in a dandelion world. I know that by raising them in a loving, supportive environment rather than an abusive one, I'm already giving them a head start, but I also know that I don't have control over everything in their lives. When they are out of my sight, however carefully I may screen babysitters or teachers, however much I trust friends and neighbors, there will always be the potential for abuse. (In fact, I'm probably one of the few moms in America who spends much more of my worry energy on our friendly neighbors or my kids' friends than on the stranger at the park or on the Internet.)
However, the article has good news for little orchid kids (and for moms like me). New research suggests that, while orchids wilt in the face of abuse, they thrive with love, even more than dandelions do. A supportive early environment, like the one those of us in recovery are working to provide for our kids, may help inoculate them and give them a chance to survive and even thrive in adverse situations too.
Addicts face many obstacles in overcoming their struggles. Drug rehab will help with those struggles.
This post was originally published at The Second Road...
Great post! I'm actually SO SURPRISED that the trauma survivor world and healing and recovery world don't seem to be more connected. I've been an advocate for trauma survivors in various formats, professionally and personally and at a women's center too. I'm surprised how little I knew about sex addiciton, how little trauma and PTSD experts knew when my spouse and I actively worked on our issues including sex. What I think of as red flags now I am surprised weren't picked up on.
While I get mired in my own pain and am angry at my partner I have no doubt, ZERO, that if his childhood was different his adult life would be different. Same for me. We are all still individuals. But brains are changed by trauma and that I DO ACCEPT AND BELIEVE.
For me, there's no way to address sex addiction without dealing with trauma and sexual and physical and emotional abuse. I mean we all deal and heal individually and exhibit our abuse in different ways, identify and embrace rather or evade and deny in different ways depending on lots of different factors. But, I think most all of us can (and dare I say should) rally around the idea that safer and less violent and invasive and traumatizing childhoods benefit.
Childhood trauma, unforntuately, even more than I knew and I would have said that was a lot, wreaks untold havoc on invidivuals and families for SO LONG. It's tragic, life altering and so serious.
I hope, someday, those who help trauma survivors (and couples) can also help idenitfy and work with people with abuse histories before acting out escalates.
Sadly, it seems to me, some sex addicts unconsciously re-enact the abuse, re experience the shame and hurt themselves but also take on a predatory/perpetrator like role while others maybe take on roles to reinforce the victim identity. That's a disturbing piece and part of sex addiction.
Once a therapist said to me, "You grew up with a sex addict and you married one." I had never thought of a sex offender who molested children as a sex addict (and I know not all sex addicts are child molesters and not all child molesters are sex addicts) but that these were lumped together like on parallel with, "You had a drunk for a father and you married one" was a shock slap to me when I heard it. Like I too was re-enacting my trauma and finding someone who would betray me as though it were just keeping that cycle going too.
That despite much conscious work, effort in healing and recovery and PTSD awareness the sex addiction even had room to exist in an environement I would have said was too healthy and open and honest for that to be possible
Just stunning.
Long winded comment (aas usual) but that was a thought and feeling provoking post.
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This is something I've thought about a lot! Why is my dad an alcoholic and other people in similar situations are not? What was it about my dad that made him susceptible to addiction but not others?
I also worry a lot about my child's future, what with the history of addiction and depression on both sides of the family.