Before I knew my husband was a sex addict, I knew that he liked flirting with other women. Probably a little too much. I could tell he got a thrill out of it, and I worried that he would accidentally take this "entertainment" too far. He'd lead some poor woman on and she'd get aggressive and Mark would find himself in bed with her before he knew what hit him. So I had a brilliant solution; I would be the other woman. I would give myself a new name, a new e-mail address and a new look (complete with a curly brunette wig). He could experience the thrill of the chase without the danger of cheating. (After all, if it lead anywhere, he'd be cheating on me with me, which was ok, right?)
I'm completely ashamed of this — what I now recognize as an attempt to control his addiction — but when I shared this with a friend, she said she thought it was brilliant. In her opinion, my control freakishness inspired me to an innovative approach to the problem. I was a codependent Thomas Edison. Of course, there was the little matter of it, you know, not working. I hadn't so much invented the codependent lightbulb as set up a sluttly cardboard cutout to sit beside me and try to harness lightning directly through our bodies.
But as I was flipping through a catalog recently, I found I'm not the only codependent with fabulous ideas. Someone has decided to create a product that will help prevent their alcoholic or drug addicted partners from driving under the influence: a picture frame that clips onto a car visor and sends the following message (I'm paraphrasing of course): "If you really loved your family, you'd drive sober." Sure, that's not the literal message and it has a wider appeal than just addicts — theoretically, it's for any unsafe driver — but partners of alcoholics and other addicts are veritable gold mine for the manufacturers of this frame. (Come on, you Al-Anoners and Nar-Anoners know you would have wanted one!)
Like my alter-ego, this little frame brilliant in its own way, but it's also doomed to failure (at least on addicts). What addicts do or don't do isn't about those of us who love them; it's about the addiction. And a picture of someone's family isn't going to prevent what the family themselves can't control even when they're present.
This post was originally published at The Second Road.
That was a really interesting post. I'm going to have to go read your post on "What Is Codependence", because I have a sense that there is a deeper understanding to be had.
But I do get a clear sense that it has to do with the desire to manage one's own anxiety by trying to control the behavior of someone else--or maybe that's just a feature of codependence. Because in the sense I just mentioned, the other person doesn't even have to be an addict?
Thanks for this.
A therapist actually mentioned this wig and being "anyone in bed" idea. One who treats addicted couples. Not that she was saying it's a "should" but that a couple who has open communication and healthy intimacy in bed can do anything. I love the idea of the thomas edison of co-dependence... And the reminder that the addiction is not about the families. It's hard to remember, understand or believe that, at least for me. It does seem one would willingly have to push aside all of these people with intent. It's more the drive to fill the compulsion is so much stronger than any other drive. Always enjoy your writing and insights and honesty and humor. c