Comments on: A Sketch of Denial http://aroomofmamasown.com/2010/02/a-sketch-of-denial/ Tue, 10 Jan 2012 01:04:06 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 By: Sarahlynn http://aroomofmamasown.com/2010/02/a-sketch-of-denial/comment-page-1/#comment-7236 Sarahlynn Thu, 18 Mar 2010 04:49:55 +0000 http://aroomofmamasown.com/?p=2506#comment-7236 I still don't have words to describe how I felt when my marriage abruptly tanked. If I don't have the words to describe it to myself and others, there will be nothing to keep the emotions as fresh and clear as they were at the moment I experienced them. And that's both good and bad because I find letting go of that pain seductive but it's certainly a loss and a bit of denial all in itself, pretending that the pain never really happened, or at least wasn't "that bad." But finding the right words is a bit of anesthesia, too, because once I've named something <i>just so</i> some of the power goes out of the memory and the writing becomes the primary source with my mind the echo. I wasn't a kid at a magic show. I just believed my husband was exactly like me. I spend my life carrying a mirror in front of my face and thinking I'm looking at the people dear to me rather than my own reflection. I still don't have words to describe how I felt when my marriage abruptly tanked. If I don't have the words to describe it to myself and others, there will be nothing to keep the emotions as fresh and clear as they were at the moment I experienced them.

And that's both good and bad because I find letting go of that pain seductive but it's certainly a loss and a bit of denial all in itself, pretending that the pain never really happened, or at least wasn't "that bad."

But finding the right words is a bit of anesthesia, too, because once I've named something just so some of the power goes out of the memory and the writing becomes the primary source with my mind the echo.

I wasn't a kid at a magic show. I just believed my husband was exactly like me. I spend my life carrying a mirror in front of my face and thinking I'm looking at the people dear to me rather than my own reflection.

]]> By: Monica http://aroomofmamasown.com/2010/02/a-sketch-of-denial/comment-page-1/#comment-7034 Monica Wed, 03 Mar 2010 10:21:37 +0000 http://aroomofmamasown.com/?p=2506#comment-7034 MPJ - What I wouldn't give to be able to write like you do. :D I have tried in the last few months to explain Sex Addiction to people. To explain what it is like to be "the wife" and I have always failed. I just don't think people who live with honest people can even begin to understand the level of dishonesty. There was mention on the JWC of the movie Gaslight from 1944. I finally got a chance to get it from netflix, I haven't watched it yet but maybe that will bring a description? MPJ - What I wouldn't give to be able to write like you do. :D

I have tried in the last few months to explain Sex Addiction to people. To explain what it is like to be "the wife" and I have always failed. I just don't think people who live with honest people can even begin to understand the level of dishonesty.

There was mention on the JWC of the movie Gaslight from 1944. I finally got a chance to get it from netflix, I haven't watched it yet but maybe that will bring a description?

]]> By: Syd http://aroomofmamasown.com/2010/02/a-sketch-of-denial/comment-page-1/#comment-7031 Syd Wed, 03 Mar 2010 00:31:45 +0000 http://aroomofmamasown.com/?p=2506#comment-7031 I think that each of us knows in our gut what is going on with our partners in a relationship. There is just an intuitive feel that things aren't right. Often we choose to rationalize and ignore. And then some actually choose to take what we like and leave the rest. I suppose it just depends on what we are willing to accept or not accept. I think that each of us knows in our gut what is going on with our partners in a relationship. There is just an intuitive feel that things aren't right. Often we choose to rationalize and ignore. And then some actually choose to take what we like and leave the rest. I suppose it just depends on what we are willing to accept or not accept.

]]> By: Mary P Jones http://aroomofmamasown.com/2010/02/a-sketch-of-denial/comment-page-1/#comment-7022 Mary P Jones Sun, 28 Feb 2010 04:56:58 +0000 http://aroomofmamasown.com/?p=2506#comment-7022 Woman A, I like that -- in denial about human frailty. But I do prefer saying I was in delusion about it rather than in denial. That's more what it felt like to me. Woman A, I like that -- in denial about human frailty. But I do prefer saying I was in delusion about it rather than in denial. That's more what it felt like to me.

]]> By: woman.anonymous7 http://aroomofmamasown.com/2010/02/a-sketch-of-denial/comment-page-1/#comment-7020 woman.anonymous7 Sun, 28 Feb 2010 04:40:48 +0000 http://aroomofmamasown.com/?p=2506#comment-7020 I was thinking the other day about how I was definitely in denial. But it wasn't denial about something specific, like I thought maybe husband was having sex with other women, but didn't want to believe it. It was more like I was in denial about the fact that Husband could be flawed. I certainly didn't for a moment consider that he was capable of lying to me. I was in denial of the human frailty that is common to us all. That absolutist perspective is a large part of how I ended up in a 20 year relationship with a sex addict who ultimately spent tens of thousands of dollars on sex with prostitutes without me noticing. Live and learn, right!? ;-) I was thinking the other day about how I was definitely in denial. But it wasn't denial about something specific, like I thought maybe husband was having sex with other women, but didn't want to believe it. It was more like I was in denial about the fact that Husband could be flawed. I certainly didn't for a moment consider that he was capable of lying to me. I was in denial of the human frailty that is common to us all. That absolutist perspective is a large part of how I ended up in a 20 year relationship with a sex addict who ultimately spent tens of thousands of dollars on sex with prostitutes without me noticing. Live and learn, right!? ;-)

]]> By: Bev http://aroomofmamasown.com/2010/02/a-sketch-of-denial/comment-page-1/#comment-7014 Bev Fri, 26 Feb 2010 05:15:33 +0000 http://aroomofmamasown.com/?p=2506#comment-7014 Beautifully written post. Thank you for sharing this. Beautifully written post. Thank you for sharing this.

]]> By: Mary P Jones http://aroomofmamasown.com/2010/02/a-sketch-of-denial/comment-page-1/#comment-7013 Mary P Jones Fri, 26 Feb 2010 01:06:36 +0000 http://aroomofmamasown.com/?p=2506#comment-7013 Cheryl, I am intending to watch Tiger's apology and blog about it, but haven't yet. I do find the misunderstanding and judgment in the media disturbing and often triggering, so I try to stay away from the media frenzy. But I do know what they're probably saying anyway. ;) Cheryl, I am intending to watch Tiger's apology and blog about it, but haven't yet. I do find the misunderstanding and judgment in the media disturbing and often triggering, so I try to stay away from the media frenzy. But I do know what they're probably saying anyway. ;)

]]> By: Mary P Jones http://aroomofmamasown.com/2010/02/a-sketch-of-denial/comment-page-1/#comment-7012 Mary P Jones Fri, 26 Feb 2010 01:06:08 +0000 http://aroomofmamasown.com/?p=2506#comment-7012 Sarah, exactly. There were always other perfectly good explanations. Sarah, exactly. There were always other perfectly good explanations.

]]> By: Mary P Jones http://aroomofmamasown.com/2010/02/a-sketch-of-denial/comment-page-1/#comment-7011 Mary P Jones Fri, 26 Feb 2010 01:04:02 +0000 http://aroomofmamasown.com/?p=2506#comment-7011 Alex, yes, I am ok. Thanks for asking. I wanted a powerful and disturbing image to describe the transition, but the feeling itself is (thankfully) long past. Alex, yes, I am ok. Thanks for asking. I wanted a powerful and disturbing image to describe the transition, but the feeling itself is (thankfully) long past.

]]> By: Sarah http://aroomofmamasown.com/2010/02/a-sketch-of-denial/comment-page-1/#comment-7009 Sarah Thu, 25 Feb 2010 15:05:16 +0000 http://aroomofmamasown.com/?p=2506#comment-7009 It is easy to judge and decide what should have been obvious when looking at a life from the outside. She should have known blah blah blah. The truth is that in the bustle of daily life, especially while in the hormonal soup of bearing and raising children, clues are missed, and dots are either not connected or never noticed for what they are. I would never have engaged in massive deception and was not sitting around imagining my partner doing it! I did not suspect lies because I was not a liar. There were other explanations that made perfect sense back then in my old world view. It is easy to judge and decide what should have been obvious when looking at a life from the outside. She should have known blah blah blah. The truth is that in the bustle of daily life, especially while in the hormonal soup of bearing and raising children, clues are missed, and dots are either not connected or never noticed for what they are. I would never have engaged in massive deception and was not sitting around imagining my partner doing it! I did not suspect lies because I was not a liar. There were other explanations that made perfect sense back then in my old world view.

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