Image credit: Photo by Stuck in Customs on Flickr Licensed under Creative Commons

Periodically, news stories send me into a panic. Do I need to order a truck load of face masks before that flu pandemic hits? Is that TSA security person going to have to strip search me now that some guy tried to smuggle explosives on a plane in his underwear? Would Jennifer Aniston seriously get back together with Brad Pitt (especially with that beard!) as some tabloid's Photoshopped picture of the two of them implies? But my panic du jour is over Bill Gates.

Consider this: a New York Times article about the Gates Foundation's plans to double spending on vaccines.  Sure, it seems harmless enough.  In fact, my first thought on reading this article was: "Bill Gates rocks.  This is going to help so many children.  I wish every billionaire did as much.  I almost want to go buy some Microsoft products now.  Almost, but not quite.  I'd still rather get an iPad."

But my second thought was, "Crap.  Conspiracy theorists are going to eat this up."

You see, many people speculate that a link exists between vaccines and autism.  I personally reject the notion that vaccines played any role in my own son's autism, but I do know people who feel this is true for their children and I can understand that.  But a true conspiracy theorist will take it further than their own personal experience.  I've heard speculation that vaccines are of no benefit at all, only harm.  Some even claim that vaccines weren't responsible for eradicating smallpox.  (Did you know that supposed triumph of medical science was simply due to improvements in hygiene?  Although, mysteriously, this was true even in poverty stricken countries that still suffer from poor hygiene, as well as a host of other diseases for which there was no vaccination program. Hm...)

So, Bill Gates (if we're playing in conspiracy theory territory) wants to give some children autism and kill the rest off with poisonous vaccines.  But why?  That's easy.  The general answer to why is always: world domination!  But if you want to talk specifics, all you have to do is consider the fact that it has been widely speculated that Bill Gates is himself autistic.

Yes, I see you out there nodding your heads.  (Because I'm watching you through the little cameras in your computers.  I am.  Don't believe me?  You look like you're about to yawn, in spite of the fact that you're reading something as fascinating as this.  Yep, you look like you want to yawn, yawn, yawn.  You look so tired, like you're just going to stretch your mouth wide open and let out the biggest yawn in the whole yawning... Ha!  You did.  I told you I was watching.)

So, you see where this is going: Bill Gates, presumably autistic, is going to make vaccines, which some think cause autism, available to millions more children worldwide.  Don't you see it?  He is building a vast autistic army for world domination!

Well, I for one, am ready for the New World Order.  Having witnessed the things that bug my son, I'm pretty sure I know how to send Bill Gates' army screaming away.  But I'm not telling.  I, for one, am planning to welcome our new autistic overlords instead, because well, I don't think the world could be worse off than it is with Bill Gates in charge, and at least we won't contract polio or die of measles.