Image credit: Photo by Deltasly on Flickr Licensed under Creative Commons

Memory is notoriously unreliable: we leave out some details and enhance others; we rewrite old understandings based on what we currently know; we simply forget. I've written about most of the incidents in this blog from memory, even those few events I do have written records for, simply because it can be both time consuming to find and read the records and painful to revisit them first hand. However, for the past few weeks, I have been time traveling back through my life -- reading through old diaries and letters -- as I work on my 1st Step.

My old diaries are a treasure trove, but there are still many incidents I left out; much of what I saw of my husband's addiction (although I didn't call it by that name then) at the time I either didn't consider important enough or considered too confusing and painful to record there. Fortunately, starting some fourteen years ago, I began saving copies of the letters I wrote to my best friend, where my sharing is both more mundane and at times more telling than what I shared with myself alone. Last night I found the following letter from October 12, 1996 about two of my husband's acting out partners, as I perceived them at the time. Mark and I were engaged, but not yet married at this point.

The first woman I mention was a coworker Mark dated during our engagement. She was unaware that we were engaged at the time; Mark didn't tell her, instead she found out later, when other people at work congratulated Mark on our engagement in front of her. I was completely unaware anything had gone on between them until Mark told me during disclosure seven years later. The second woman was someone who had gotten Mark's e-mail address either through a mutual friend or a career networking website. They carried on a long-distance flirtation filled with sexual innuendo for a year or so, but never met.

One of the things that stood out at me in reading this was the extent to which I minimized my own feelings and played off any worries as the result of my own unreasonable "jealousy" or "paranoia" or "insecurity." I was also struck by how I was reassured after talking to Mark, who would certainly have told me, not just that nothing was going on, but would have made me feel very loved and attractive. Since I believed at the time that infidelity of any kind (physical or emotional) was absolutely incompatible with love and attraction, the only option open to me if I believed that he loved and was attracted to me was that I must be crazy, since he certainly couldn't be unfaithful under those circumstances.

Another thing that struck me, and still resonates with me, is my rage toward older (in this case Mark and I were close to 30) men who date women of high school and college age. I still am not entirely certain where this rage comes from, and I am continuing to examine it. But I do know that age difference remains a trigger for me, although generally only when teens, or those just barely out of their teens, are involved.

"It's 11:30ish on a Saturday nite & I'm home alone in a weird funk. I figured you'd help me talk myself out of it. I was fighting the urge to tear some stale wine out of the fridge -- but I've decide to fight no longer -- vinegar or not it'll be relaxing...

"Mark's out at a birthday party for one of the administrators in his department -- they're at some jazz club -- I think -- in [city name]. I decided to bag -- an hour there & an hour back plus the $8 cover charge and drink money for some woman I've only met once just didn't seem worth bagging the end of Game 4 of the Yankee/Orioles playoffs. I was sort of bumming about not having Mark around -- he's been out at work all day -- but right now if this wine were just a little bit better life would be perfect.

"I was kind of bent out of shape earlier b/c I was cleaning up & was moving a pile of Mark's papers from the living room floor to the top of his dresser when I saw a letter -- actually just the envelope -- from this "penpal" of his at [college name] addressed to him at work rather than here at home. So I -- having a jealous streak about a mile wide -- started fretting over it. His correspondence with this woman has always made me sort of paranoid. He's never met her -- they met thru e-mail -- but they write all the time. I guess it's reasonable that he gave her his work address -- since he doesn't really know her but... I guess she hits a sore spot with me -- touches on all my insecurities. She's an undergrad -- which makes her much younger than us -- but that only fuels my insecurities. Just before Mark & I started dating he was dating this woman who was a senior in H.S. -- he was finished with college at the time. That is something that has always made me angry beyond the point of reason -- men who date younger women. I have no idea why -- but it disgusts me more than anything else in the world -- I find men who date younger women to be the most reprehensible scum...

"I feel like I'm in an episode of Laverne & Shirley -- with those words Mark entered the room. Guess I'll get back to this later -- shame really -- I was just feeling better...

"October 13, 1996... Mark & I had a nice talk last night about my many jealous paranoid delusions -- and now everything is fine. I go thru these things every four-five months or so -- and talking to Mark always makes it all seem so ridiculous that I feel better right away. I guess I just get scared sometimes -- I start imagining what it would feel like if something happened -- if I did lose Mark -- and I start going over every little thing -- making sure it's all ok -- and if I come across anything I'm not sure about I freak out. I suppose that's nothing new -- my love for Mark has always been (this sounds so cheesy but...) so powerful that it terrifies me. (That really is so melodramatic I'm tempted to cross it out...)"

Likewise, although these excerpts still raise some shame, and I'm tempted to delete them rather than share the person I used to be, I will let them stand.