Comments on: A Letter from my Past Self

By: Margaux

Margaux — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 00:35:11 +0000

I just dropped by to read your haiku, and I ended up coming back to this. I actually feel that same sense of shame sometimes when I think about a lot of the posts I wrote when I first started blogging--actually, maybe *all* my posts in the first year of blogging. (And I'm sure I'll come back to some of the posts I've written now and think, man, what was I thinking?) But I leave them because I'm also trying to make peace with the person I was yesterday. It's certainly an exercise in humility.

By: Mary P Jones

Mary P Jones — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 17:00:29 +0000

Sarahlynn, I think the feeling of shame comes from seeing my own codependency so clearly and putting that out there in a way that is real and present. Now everyone in the world can see how crazy I was!

By: Sarahlynn

Sarahlynn — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 14:22:11 +0000

I think it's so interesting that your reaction is shame. Doesn't that suggest that you feel some responsibility for his actions in that situation? That you feel there's something wrong with trusting your partner at his word?

By: Mary Ann

Mary Ann — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 12:48:39 +0000

I'd like to give that MPJ a hug. This one too. xoxo

By: C. Christine @ battleofjoan

C. Christine @ battleofjoan — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 21:22:00 +0000

MAN I am in awe of you having the courage to post those old letters. Because they're ridiculous. I'm just kidding. It's obvious you are able to look at them with wisdom and understanding, now. Thank you so much for posting them, because we are in the same position, and reading them helps us understand ourselves, too. The part where you mention your love as "so powerful that it terrifies me" is VERY interesting and reminded me of myself. We must ask, is that feeling really called "love"? Also, your discredit of the value of your feelings... a CLASSIC blunder! Thanks for the wonderful post!

By: Syd

Syd — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 17:42:12 +0000

I didn't understand who I am now until I was willing to look at who I used to be. That helped me enormously. I could see how unmanageable my life was and how insane my thinking was. It was only by seeing those things that I became aware of a different way of thinking. And through the insanity, I became ready to surrender. That's when I finally could understand Step One.

By: B

Tue, 23 Mar 2010 00:08:24 +0000

I think it's amazing that I could have written this letter. Literally, word for word. Thanks for sharing--as Cat said, who we were is as important as where we are today, because without that past, we couldn't have this present. (Or at least, that's what I keep telling myself ).

By: JW

JW — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 23:03:40 +0000

Ugh.

By: Cat

Cat — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 21:02:14 +0000

I think who were were is just as important, no matter how badly we dont want to admit we were ever that person, as who we are today.

I love that you shared this piece of you with us!

By: unreliable narrator

unreliable narrator — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 16:58:45 +0000

I take back what I said last time—I think "I'm not codependent shut up" may be my favorite new post category. Can't stop laughing.

These are heart-rending letters, because you are trying SO hard to make it about you..."I'm just a crazy jealous girlfriend"...and that makes me drop my face in my hands and moan gently with comprehension. You are brave to share them. "Insecurities" ha ha ha! Ha ha. Sigh. OW.

The older men/student-age women thing...here's my take on it, as a college instructor and that ugly word, a feminist: It's a completely inappropriate and unhealthy relationship only made possible by a structural, institutionalized power dynamic which places female students one-down. End of story. It's not okay for grownups to date children. And adolescent women (personally, I consider my students adolescent until they're at least 25—adolescence extends longer in the developed world) are test-driving their sexuality to see what results, if any, they can achieve with it—this behavior has been modelled for them their entire lives. It is the responsibility of men in positions of authority or higher social status (in other words: men) to treat them with utmost gentleness and asexual respect, and to model for them an alternative: which is that they are valued for their humanity and intelligence and contributions. The male professors and employers who did this for me? changed my life deeply and profoundly. I learned, without any shame, that I didn't have to be physically or emotionally overavailable/on display to gain their attention, interest, and admiration. I learned I was worthwhile for my thoughts and actions, not being a 34C or simpering artlessly.

Even the addict in my life, who's taught high school for over 20 years, has figured this one out, God bless him. (Had it been otherwise, I would have hit the road *so* long ago.) "Eyes up front and center" is his rule, no matter what his female students are wearing, or aren't. Some of them are desperately unhappy and seek love the only ways they know how to get it. It's been his gift to them to say kindly, "I think the world of you, and I am not interested in you that way. Now—how can I help you be happier in school? Do you need help? Would you like to talk to a counselor?"

I'm trying to say, there are just no excuses and no exceptions when it comes to grownups who are "dating" someone who's not a grownup yet. And people who are going to high school and college? in our culture? aren't grown up.

Man, am I procrastinating today or what. Let the flames begin! )