 |
| Image credit: Photo by Pink Sherbet Photography on Flickr Licensed under Creative Commons |
"I bet anything she's pregnant," said Mark as we left a get together with friends in the years long before recovery. Having been through a pregnancy recently ourselves at that point, we knew what to look for: the change in eating habits, the hand unconsciously and lovingly resting over a still flat stomach...
"Totally," I agreed, "But they must not be telling people the news yet."
"You remember that time they said that they didn't think it was possible to tell when someone was at the beginning of a pregnancy?"
"And we did think it was! Oh, I do! I really want to tell them 'I told you so,' but we ought to let them share the news in their own time. But if we do wait, they'll never believe we knew."
"We ought to write it down! Then we can prove that we knew."
"I know what we should do! We'll write it down and seal it in an envelope and mail it to ourselves. That way it will have the postmark with the date on it. I've heard people do that as a cheap and easy way to copyright their writing."
Mark agreed that this was the most fantastic and foolproof idea he'd ever heard. So, we being the not-so-mature or spiritually enlightened, but at least very clever, individuals we were, did just that. And after our friends finally shared their good news with us, we were able to produce the envelope with a flourish and seal our reputations, both as greatly insightful predictors of pregnancy and as gigantic dorks. Whatever. The important thing was: we were right!
And we made them laugh, which was a relief, because it doesn't always happen that way. Needing to be right can be seriously annoying. It's a big glaring character defect of mine, and like most of my character defects, it's born of fear: the fear that I don't know what's real, that I can't trust myself or my own perceptions. External validation is the rock on which I build my church to the fickle God of other people's opinions.
Over the years, in so many of my relationships, I haven't been able to hold on to my truth. I'd state what I saw and be told I didn't see it, state what I felt to be told I didn't feel it, and I'd begin to doubt my own eyes and my own heart. If you say the sky is blue and everyone else around you says it's red, how long before you get your eyes checked? How long before you begin to wonder if you actually know what blue looks like? How long before you start to call it red too? And when someone whispers to you, "No, it is blue, and I have proof..." That's when the "I was right and I have proof" victory dance begins. The one that seems inexplicable to the pleasantly surprised and bemused pregnant woman you're confronting with an irrefutable postmarked envelope.
Yes, I know that one well. I was made to feel as if I was the crazy one (which I was). I wrote to you about that before. It is a great manipulation by alcoholics (or ics of any kind). They are never responsible and we think we are.
What a wonderfully insightful anecdote.
But the connection between crazymaking and the need to be right struck me like a ton of bricks - and relieved me of yet another bit of guilt. Maybe any human being would need to be right if they'd grown up hearing that they were wrong . . . Pap's just hugging you . . . he loves you . . . not just some broken person like me.
Ha, I love it. Thanks for being able to share yourself, warts and all. It's so insightful, and helps me understand where some of my own character defects come from, too.
I knew in my heart why I loved you guys. Because you have courage and fucking integrity.
I don't care if when I hit return to publish this my computer catches on fire and the whole world laughs at me because they can all fuck off.
I knew you would come through
I am sorry for my reactions when I was frustrated.
if the tables were turned I honestly do not know if I could do the right thing as you are.
no have no idea how much you guys mean to me.
dirt
That was a very goofy thing to do. If I had been the friend, I would have laughed, too.
Saw you in the comments at Motherlode - nice to meet you!
Things like this are the reason I became open to the whole "higher power" concept in the 12 steps, despite being a lifelong athiest. It is comforting for me to know that I may be right, or someone else may be right, and I can't know for sure, but there is an objective truth out there somewhere.
I can also be more patient and wait for truth to be revealed now. I don't have to decide right now whether I'm the crazy one or whether the other person is. I can be open to both possibilities.
I still don't have a traditional view of God, but I do believe that reality exists, although my knowledge of it will always be limited.
I too grew up never believing in my feelings, which can get pretty dangerous if, for example, those feelings are telling you that you're with a man who is hurting you. How a parent doesn't realize what s/he is doing every time s/he says, "Oh, that doesn't hurt, now stop crying."
Thanks for visiting my blog the other day (via Motherlode). I clicked on yours and realized that I have visited before! I love the honesty of your writing.
Astrid, that is so interesting. I used to call myself an atheist (or agnostic depending on my mood) for all of my adult life. And the God thing really turned me off of 12 Step at first. But I have found the concept of a higher power/ultimate reality very helpful and comforting in recent years, and although I've never made this exact connection, it is really resonating with me. Thanks so much for sharing. You've definitely given me something to examine and think about.
"I was right and I have proof...." All those months when the addict in my life stuck to his story about how nothing was wrong, everything was fine, I was just imagining it, nothing to see here, move along...I'm still coming out of that fog into my own reality.
I love what Astrid said, and it points to a new idea for me: Maybe the addict in my life will never be able to validate my reality. Maybe he will always say, in a really loud voice with lots of cursing, that the sky is red Red RED and I am wrong to feel, about that sky, the way I feel. Why has God's small whispering, "Sweetheart, it's blue and in your heart you know it's blue" failed to comfort me, failed to keep me off the psych unit? I need a better, stronger, deeper connection to that power greater than myself.
Instead I am living with the red sky right now and I am burning up.