Well, I may not be writing much lately, but I certainly have been reading. The latest on my recovery reading list was You Are Not Your Brain by Jeffrey Schwartz and Rebecca Gladding, a decent self-help book with the sadly unrealized potential to be superb.

Have you ever had the perfect picture of something in your mind? Maybe it's a job. Or a spouse. Or a home. Or a pair of pants. Or this thing that will keep your nose warm in the winter. And you spend a long time looking for it. Maybe you even consider, idly, learning a new trade, like knitting or robotics, just so you can create it. At last. The perfect robot spouse handing me a custom knitted nose cozy!

Then maybe, having created this perfect picture, you've even seen something that had the potential to be IT. That perfect thing you've been looking for. And then you find yourself disappointed because it doesn't live up to its potential. Because it turns out your perfect nose cozy almost sort of keeps your nose warm, but isn't really well organized enough to do its job. This book is that nose cozy.

As I started reading, I had high hopes. The first chapter, in a form that I believe is legally mandated for all self-help books, cheerfully chirped that the solution to my problems would be easy and that this book could tell me how to do it. Really. It will. It's coming. Keep reading. No. Not here in the store. We've put all these words in so that you can't just skip to that easy answer and read it without paying for the book. Whew. Got you to buy it.*

Ok, now we can tell you the truth. Which is that you're actually going to have to work at this quite a lot. Oh, but we will tell you how. Eventually. Well, sort of. You'll be about 150 pages in before you ever get to the meat of our method and even then, it will all be so poorly organized and muddled that you'll have a hard time wading through the morass of words to tease out the important bits. But it's in there!

Yes, I was quite excited by the idea of this book and so almost equally disappointed that poor organization got in the way of its excellent message. What I enjoyed most was that this was a book that avoided the kinds of labels that keep many spouses of addicts (and addicts themselves) from getting help with their pain. I've seen so many people stew in the pain of intrusive thoughts of an addict's acting out. Or get so angry they destroy property or hurt others or themselves. Or rage at their spouse in front of the kids. Or overeat or drink alcohol or overspend to deal with the stress. And not get help. Because they don't consider themselves alcoholics or overeaters or codependent and they don't have PTSD and they're not depressed and they really, really don't need a God that doesn't exist, so forget 12 Step thankyouverymuch. They're just hurt and frustrated by all this stuff other people keep doing.

Well, here it is. Here's a book that gives you all the great tools we learn in 12 Step. Tools like mindfulness and acceptance and taking care of yourself and not shoulding all over. Here's a book that can make a great supplement and accompaniment to 12 Step or a great introduction to some of the tools we learn in program. And it does it all with a basis in nice, safe brain science with no one forcing that pesky God thing on you. Here is a book that admits there are no quick fixes but lays out the practical steps and hard work it takes to work on healing.

Or rather here it could be.

Because while You Are Not Your Brain contains a lot of fantastic and helpful information, it is bogged down in organizational problems. Terms that are used repeatedly from the earliest pages of the book sometimes aren't fully defined until 200 pages later. Most of the first 140 pages are spent telling us (out of order) what we're going to read later in the book. I found myself wishing I had a dollar for every time the authors wrote things like "you will learn more in chapters 3 and 4" or "we will teach you more in Part II, but for now..." or "we will discuss this in chapter 11." Or better yet, wishing I had access to the text and could edit the book myself. (Note to the authors and editors: In a properly organized book, the information should build in a logical way. I'll be happy to help you with your next book.)

And while the authors tried to use simple language, they ended up creating a whole new set of jargon like "Self-Referencing Center" and "Refocus with Progressive Mindfulness." My almost-favorite was what they called the "Uh Oh Center" of the brain, because it was simple and descriptive, but after they mentioned that a colleague referred to it as the "Oh Shit Center" instead, "Uh Oh Center" seemed a pale second best.

Still, while You Are Not Your Brain may not be the perfect recovery book for which I've been longing; it's a good enough book. Even with its flaws, the excellent information, exercises and practical advice it presents make it worth a read and even a second read. Just go heavy on the skimming the first time around.

Leave a comment on this post between now and Sunday, June 26, 2011 for a chance to win a free copy. The winner will be announced on Monday, June 27, 2011.

It's nearly impossible to be the friend or family member of an addict and not have heard Melody Beattie's name. Her books on codependency are widely read and recommended. My own 12 Step home group regularly uses Codependent No More, Codependents' Guide to the Twelve Steps and The Language of Letting Go as part of our meetings and Step work.

Beattie's latest book, Codependent No More Workbook, is something of a companion piece to Codependent No More, intended to move the description and understanding of codependency into the action of recovery. In the first chapter, Beattie compares the work of recovery to mountain climbing, and these are no idle words. Many of the activities in the Workbook are intense and demanding and require a firm commitment to doing the hard work of recovery.

Still, while the overall quality of the activities didn't disappoint me, I was surprised by how few there were. Beattie seemed to have chosen to focus on a few intense activities interspersed with what sometimes seemed like an unnecessary amount of expository text, especially given that each chapter starts with a suggestion for readings from Codependent No More. In particular, the first chapter contains quite a bit of background information on codependency, which seemed unlikely to either convince any skeptics or enhance recovery work. Despite these flaws, the activities and text are helpful and inspirational enough overall that I consider the Workbook a useful addition to my recovery library.

The Workbook is based strongly on the 12 Step model, so in working through the exercises, you will be working the Steps. As such, it will not be a method that everyone is comfortable with or that will work for everyone.

I believe this book will work best for people who:

• are already part of a 12 Step fellowship.
• already accept both the concept of codependency generally as well as their own codependency OR feel they will benefit from working a program like this and can do so without feeling threatened by the label.
• conceive of their Higher Power as a male deity with the power to directly intervene in their lives OR are comfortable enough with their own different conception of a Higher Power to be able to take what they can use and leave the rest.
• are ready to make a commitment to devote the time and energy necessary to work through the activities in the book over the course of many months.

The Workbook also pays special attention to "double winners," people who struggle with both addiction (particularly to drugs and alcohol) and codependency.

This book may not work well for people who:

• are not part of a 12 Step program, particularly those who have negative or hostile feelings about 12 Step.
• do not accept codependency, especially if they feel negative toward or threatened by the concept, either in general or for themselves.
• have negative, hostile or unresolved feelings about an all powerful male deity.
• aren't ready to commit to the necessary work.

Having read the book through over the course of the past few weeks, I've come away with a renewed commitment and inspiration to continue my own daily work on the 12 Steps, and I'm eager to try some of the more involved activities in the book.

And good news! I have an extra copy of the book to give away, so you can get an opportunity to work through it too.

Leave a comment on this post between now and Sunday, May 8, 2011 for a chance to win a free copy. The winner will be announced on Monday, May 9, 2011.

Occasionally, folks ask to interview me about my experiences in a relationship with a sex addict. And (provided that I'm able to maintain my anonymity and that I'm fairly certain the content won't be used inappropriately) I am always happy to oblige. The more information there is about sex addiction and recovery (both for addicts and those who love them), the better. As we say in my 12 Step meetings: "This disease thrives in darkness. We can bring it out into the light."

In that spirit, here is an interview I did recently for AllTreatment.com: The Wife of a Recovering Sex Addict Tells Her Story. Enjoy!

This, by the way, is the point at which blogging experts say you shouldn't blog. You should always put your best stuff out there and dazzle the Internet multitudes. But I say... Um... Ah, whatever. I don't have it in me to come up with a dazzling response to that either. So, here, my friends, are your bullet points:

• I was working on a guest post for a blog on disability and spirituality that I think many of you will love: Amy Julia Becker's Thin Places. The post won't be up for a week or two. I'll post a link when it is, but do feel free to poke around and get to know Amy Julia in the meantime.
• I've been working on my 1st Step, in depth this time, which has consisted of writing up a history of my life and relationships. I've used a lot of blog material, and it's about (gulp) 50 pages long, which is awful and fabulous. Awful, because I need to edit it down to about 8 in order to present it to my 12 Step group and fabulous because I started this blog with the idea of writing a memoir about my marriage and I've found I have a really solid foundation for that. When I read it to my cosponsor, she and I both cried.
• I have been celebrating! My husband and I have 7 years in recovery, and since many of you know that discovery and recovery happened when I was very pregnant with my daughter, you can probably guess that we've been preparing to celebrate the anniversary of Janie's birth. We've also been celebrating a sobriety anniversary for my husband, who has 4 years since his last major slip. Yay!

A few days ago, a columnist I generally like wrote a satirical piece on sex addiction rehab (one I won't link to here, due to its triggering nature). He's a liberal columnist, so the comments were populated with lots of LOLs and virtual eye rolling at the concept of sex addiction as a creation of the religious right: people who are uptight about and don't know how to enjoy sex. There was lots of mocking of the "higher power" concept, lots of atheists sneering at the superstitious nonsense that is God.

Of course, the conservative flip side of the "sex addiction is a joke" coin is to sneer at therapists: people who are forever trying to write off weakness and lack of willpower as "diseases" in order to bilk people out of money.  Either way, treatment for sex addiction is seen as misguided and useless: so called "sex addicts" either "just" need to loosen up and learn to accept and enjoy their sexuality or "just" need to have more willpower and moral fortitude.

And either way, as someone married to a sex addict, it can be both hurtful and maddening to feel the world is ringed around us in a circle, pointing and laughing, saying that we've been duped when, for the first time, we feel we're seeing clearly. It's one of those things that is likely to draw me back into that crazy place I used to occupy: where, like a six-year-old, I yell "NO!" at someone else's "Yes!" only to have them yell "Yes!" back at me in an endless cycle; where I feel panicked and crazy, as if someone's telling me the sky is red when I see it's blue; where I spend my time and energy fruitlessly trying to convince someone else that they're wrong so that I can feel right again.

I wanted (desperately) to pull out my credentials and yell into the comments section, "Mark and I weren't some crazy, uptight religious fanatics who just couldn't embrace our sexuality!  And I'm not some uptight, frigid wife who can't please her man!  I was a really good atheist who really loves sex!"  As if the columnist, or any of the commenters, would read that and suddenly say, "Oh, some random stranger on the Internet says that wasn't her experience. Now I've totally changed my view on sex addiction!" rather than, "I bet she actually sucks in bed and her husband is an asshole."

Deep breath.  Step 1.  I am powerless over other people.  I am powerless to change their perceptions of me.  And trying to do so anyway makes my life unmanageable.  Followed by Step 2.  Help from that much maligned higher power.

I didn't leave the comment.  I stopped reading, made the column disappear in a flash of electrons with the click of my mouse and I did something I never used to do before.  I prayed.  "God, let me see the world through your eyes.  Let me not be threatened by people whose experiences are different.  When I mock others, I am usually scared and hurting.  In every place that this columnist and his readers are scared and hurting too, open their hearts to love and peace.  Help me on my journey, and help all of them follow the path they need to, so that we can find love and understanding for each other."

In the past, I wouldn't have prayed because my God is not a separate being who controls the world, but I've found that prayer isn't (as I used to think) some useless, crazy, superstitious ritual predicated on achieving results with the help of a supernatural power.  Prayer is a tool I use to ground myself, open my own heart and let go of my own pain, fear and anger.  Prayer is a way of connecting to my higher power, my better nature, my Buddha nature, the God part inside me.  Prayer is a way of feeling love and compassion and connection to others, rather than distance and anger and fear and resentment.  When I pray for someone who requests my prayers, it connects us, and lifts us both up.  When I pray (quietly, secretly) for someone who doesn't request it, it helps me love and forgive.  I've learned that even if prayer never produces any tangible results in the world, it's not useless -- not to me -- because the purpose isn't to change the world to get what I want, it's to help me be in line with and at peace with what is.

Happy birthday to me!
My blog's turning three!
Happy birthday, happy birthday!
Happy birthday to me!

Three years ago today, several forces serendipitously conspired to get me to pick up a keyboard, dub myself MPJ and write my very first ever blog post. Now, three years later, it seems appropriate to do some sort of retrospective -- you know, like those summary episodes of TV shows that air after a long break to refresh the memories of loyal viewers and to pull new ones in.  But since I never watch those things anyway, I won't subject you all to anything like that.

Instead, I will say that I am deeply grateful for this space and all it has brought me: from the ability to flex my writing muscles and share this crazy journey I call my life, to all you out there reading -- some silently, some maliciously, some spamming, some supportive and (best of all) some very dear friends (both old and new).

Now (resisting the sore temptation to add a winky, smiley emoticon to the end of this) I'm going to blow out my virtual candles and wish my favorite 12 Step wish: knowledge of God's will for my blog and me and the power to carry that out.

Memory is notoriously unreliable: we leave out some details and enhance others; we rewrite old understandings based on what we currently know; we simply forget. I've written about most of the incidents in this blog from memory, even those few events I do have written records for, simply because it can be both time consuming to find and read the records and painful to revisit them first hand. However, for the past few weeks, I have been time traveling back through my life -- reading through old diaries and letters -- as I work on my 1st Step.

My old diaries are a treasure trove, but there are still many incidents I left out; much of what I saw of my husband's addiction (although I didn't call it by that name then) at the time I either didn't consider important enough or considered too confusing and painful to record there. Fortunately, starting some fourteen years ago, I began saving copies of the letters I wrote to my best friend, where my sharing is both more mundane and at times more telling than what I shared with myself alone. Last night I found the following letter from October 12, 1996 about two of my husband's acting out partners, as I perceived them at the time. Mark and I were engaged, but not yet married at this point.

The first woman I mention was a coworker Mark dated during our engagement. She was unaware that we were engaged at the time; Mark didn't tell her, instead she found out later, when other people at work congratulated Mark on our engagement in front of her. I was completely unaware anything had gone on between them until Mark told me during disclosure seven years later. The second woman was someone who had gotten Mark's e-mail address either through a mutual friend or a career networking website. They carried on a long-distance flirtation filled with sexual innuendo for a year or so, but never met.

One of the things that stood out at me in reading this was the extent to which I minimized my own feelings and played off any worries as the result of my own unreasonable "jealousy" or "paranoia" or "insecurity." I was also struck by how I was reassured after talking to Mark, who would certainly have told me, not just that nothing was going on, but would have made me feel very loved and attractive. Since I believed at the time that infidelity of any kind (physical or emotional) was absolutely incompatible with love and attraction, the only option open to me if I believed that he loved and was attracted to me was that I must be crazy, since he certainly couldn't be unfaithful under those circumstances.

Another thing that struck me, and still resonates with me, is my rage toward older (in this case Mark and I were close to 30) men who date women of high school and college age. I still am not entirely certain where this rage comes from, and I am continuing to examine it. But I do know that age difference remains a trigger for me, although generally only when teens, or those just barely out of their teens, are involved.

"It's 11:30ish on a Saturday nite & I'm home alone in a weird funk. I figured you'd help me talk myself out of it. I was fighting the urge to tear some stale wine out of the fridge -- but I've decide to fight no longer -- vinegar or not it'll be relaxing...

"Mark's out at a birthday party for one of the administrators in his department -- they're at some jazz club -- I think -- in [city name]. I decided to bag -- an hour there & an hour back plus the $8 cover charge and drink money for some woman I've only met once just didn't seem worth bagging the end of Game 4 of the Yankee/Orioles playoffs. I was sort of bumming about not having Mark around -- he's been out at work all day -- but right now if this wine were just a little bit better life would be perfect.

"I was kind of bent out of shape earlier b/c I was cleaning up & was moving a pile of Mark's papers from the living room floor to the top of his dresser when I saw a letter -- actually just the envelope -- from this "penpal" of his at [college name] addressed to him at work rather than here at home. So I -- having a jealous streak about a mile wide -- started fretting over it. His correspondence with this woman has always made me sort of paranoid. He's never met her -- they met thru e-mail -- but they write all the time. I guess it's reasonable that he gave her his work address -- since he doesn't really know her but... I guess she hits a sore spot with me -- touches on all my insecurities. She's an undergrad -- which makes her much younger than us -- but that only fuels my insecurities. Just before Mark & I started dating he was dating this woman who was a senior in H.S. -- he was finished with college at the time. That is something that has always made me angry beyond the point of reason -- men who date younger women. I have no idea why -- but it disgusts me more than anything else in the world -- I find men who date younger women to be the most reprehensible scum...

"I feel like I'm in an episode of Laverne & Shirley -- with those words Mark entered the room. Guess I'll get back to this later -- shame really -- I was just feeling better...

"October 13, 1996... Mark & I had a nice talk last night about my many jealous paranoid delusions -- and now everything is fine. I go thru these things every four-five months or so -- and talking to Mark always makes it all seem so ridiculous that I feel better right away. I guess I just get scared sometimes -- I start imagining what it would feel like if something happened -- if I did lose Mark -- and I start going over every little thing -- making sure it's all ok -- and if I come across anything I'm not sure about I freak out. I suppose that's nothing new -- my love for Mark has always been (this sounds so cheesy but...) so powerful that it terrifies me. (That really is so melodramatic I'm tempted to cross it out...)"

Likewise, although these excerpts still raise some shame, and I'm tempted to delete them rather than share the person I used to be, I will let them stand.

I finally got around to watching the Tiger Woods apology speech, and I have to admit, I was impressed.  As a New York Times article pointed out, even without explicitly saying the words "sex addiction" or "12 Step" the speech clearly implied both. In a way it was like a public 9th Step, even including the word "amends."  Although I found it heartbreaking that he was in a position to have to 9th Step the world so soon, I thought he did a surprisingly good job for someone who has only just started this process. He took responsibility for his actions and it was clear that he's been doing some work.  It seemed like an excellent start to a journey of recovery.

However, I know perfectly well that does not mean the journey is going to end in a particular destination.  He may go right back into his old behaviors. His marriage may end.  His career may end.  Or his acting out may stop.  And his marriage may end anyway.  Or his marriage my thrive. Or the whole thing may be a playacting sham.  Which may continue.  Or not continue.

But having been through my own smaller private version of the Tiger Woods story, and having heard countless others, I know that where it ends -- in marriage success or failure, in career success or failure -- doesn't tell me anything about what kind of person Tiger Woods is.  Or what kind of person his wife is.  Or whether or not he is, at this moment, sincere in his desire for change.  Or whether or not recovery programs work in treating other people like him.  Yet, unfortunately, all of those are and will be the object of speculation around water coolers and in news columns and on blog posts.

I can only say that I wish Tiger and Elin Woods and their family the very best in their journey, whatever the destination.

My husband Mark, I have to admit it, hates fish. And people fish evangelize him all the time. I used to too, in my pre-vegetarian days, when a trip to the aquarium would make me hungry. The problem, you see, is never that people were different and have different needs and tastes; the problem is that Mark has never had "good" fish. "You've never tried really fresh fish. You haven't tried this fish; it's not a fishy fish. You haven't tasted fish the way I make it. You haven't been eating fish the right way. Try this. You'll like it." But he hasn't. Fish just doesn't work for everybody, but there are lots of other things in the world to eat. In my family, there's no one path to good food.

I've had the same experience with religion. I had bad experiences with Christianity growing up; it's just not a good fit for me. And I've had people evangelize me over the years: "You've never tried my church. It's not like your church. You haven't been to the right kind of church. You don't really understand what Christianity is about. You haven't been approaching it the right way. Try this. You'll like it." But I haven't. Fortunately, there are a lot of other belief sets and practices in the world (from Hinduism to atheism) that allow people to connect to something beyond themselves, and to practice many universally beautiful principles, in a way that does work for them. In my experience, there's no one path to the good and the divine.

And I've been thinking of this recently, as I've encountered a few situations where I want to (or have) 12 Step evangelized. When a book says Al-Anon is bunk as it repackages powerlessness as powerfulness, or when an article says that addicts need to look into the origins of their addiction and claims that it's psychotherapy and not 12 Step that does that, I start saying all of those same things: "You don't get it. You're not approaching it the right way. If you really understood the concepts, you'd see that what you're talking about is already included in 12 Step. Give it a chance. You'll see it does have what you want and need."

But 12 Step doesn't work for everyone, not even me or my husband. It's been a part of our toolkit, but we've used it in conjunction with other therapies and spiritual practices. My husband can recognize that fish has lots of excellent nutrients, but that they just aren't presented in a way that is most palatable to him. I can recognize that Christianity incorporates the principles I hold most dear, yet they aren't presented in a way that works for me. And while I can see that 12 Step has great tools, they aren't presented in a way or in language that works for everyone. Nothing does. There's no one path to recovery. Fortunately, there are lots of different foods and religions and recovery programs that give us all those same basic nutrients — whether they support our physical, spiritual or mental health — in a way that works for each of us as individuals. And for that, I am grateful.

A friend called me last night. She's in the midst of some very messy office politics at work. She thinks her coworkers are being difficult. They think she's being unreasonable. Her boss thinks they're all wrong and they all think the boss is wrong. "Do you think I'm being unreasonable? Am I crazy or are they?" she asked. And I paused, because I've seen a whole lot of crazy at this point in my life and I've gotten a pretty secure grip on two things: the first is what I think is and isn't crazy, and the second (and more important) is that it totally doesn't matter.

She wanted to know the answer to the first part, and if I left out that second part, it was easy enough for me to answer: no, I didn't think she was being unreasonable or crazy in her interactions with her colleagues. I thought she had some pretty healthy boundaries and was sticking to them. But I didn't want to tell her that, because what I think doesn't matter.

I know because I've been in that place before: tallying up the yes and no votes in my favor. Sure, I could tell her she wasn't crazy. But her coworkers friends were busy telling them they weren't crazy either. So, she'd go in to work the next day and say, "My friend Mary says I'm not being unreasonable," and her coworker would say, "Yeah, well, my friend Tom says you are." And then she'd have to ask someone else in order to continue having the balance fall in her favor.

To really feel better, I've found that I have to be ok with where I am, regardless of how the score stands. So, what I really wanted to tell her, more than that she was being reasonable in this particular situation, was that it was reasonable for her to have her own boundaries, regardless of whether or not I (or anyone else) agreed with any given boundary at any given moment. But I found myself unable to articulate that part. Sure, it seems easy now that I have time and a keyboard, but it's a different story when I'm fumbling for words on the phone. And it seemed so hard at the time to put what I wanted to say into a nice neat little sentence, rather than launching into a really long philosophical treatise. So, what I actually said was the ultimately unhelpful external validation thing, "No, you're not crazy."

Then I thought, "But it doesn't matter what I think! Oh, wait. There's a program slogan, 'What other people think of me is none of my business.' That's what I want to say!" That's never been one of my favorite slogans, but it did state the crux of the issue in a nice simple little sentence. Oh. I guess that's why we have slogans in 12 Step. They're pithy and easy to remember.

I've had my share of frustration with slogans. They can feel canned. They can be tiresome. But some of them inspire me. Some I repeat daily. And some, even the ones that aren't my favorites, can come in handy sometimes.